Category Archives: Eye rolls

Inadvertent racist.

Brad Paisley, who is a country star for those of you who aren’t fans of the genre like I am (don’t judge me, damn it! “Honkeytonk Badonkadonk” is LYRICAL GOLD), wrote a song called “Accidental Racist” and no, this is not a late April Fools’ joke; this is a real song with instruments and lyrics and producers and drums and everything!

Without meaning to, I’m sure, Paisley wrote one of the most racist, slavery-dismissive songs you will ever hear in your life. And not only that, he somehow managed to convince LL Cool J, a BLACK MAN who I absolutely love (Agent Sam Hanna is badass), to rap on the track.

Why is the song racist? Because it makes excuses for the Confederate flag. It compares wearing a do-rag to wearing or displaying the Confederate flag. It hints that if we white people look past the gold chains, the black people will forget about the iron chains that enslaved their people. It, in my opinion, insinuates that black people need to get over slavery already. It’s been 150 years, after all.

I feel I need to say this again … I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

I worked for a decade at minority-assistive nonprofits and I can tell you this … TOO. SOON. Yes, 150 years is too soon. A race enslaved. Families torn apart. Rights trampled on. Chains. Whips. Too. Soon. Until racism no longer exists, until black people stop getting a second look when they walk through certain stores in certain neighborhoods, and until the pay gap and the education gap close … TOO. SOON.

Read about the Confederacy. Eleven states saw Abraham Lincoln elected and said to themselves, “This man is a threat to our ‘right’ to enslave black men, women, and their children,” and they seceded, officially formed their own country, elected a president, and created an official flag — a flag that was the visual manifestation of their desire to enslave an entire race. Brad Paisley comparing that flag to a do-rag is head-deskingly ignorant and inadvertently racist and this song needs to die right the hell now.

That said, in an effort to find a somewhat local-adjacent angle on this story, KDKA decided to talk to some West Virginians about this controversial song, as Brad Paisley is actually from West Virginia. 

Let’s see what these West Virginian high schoolers and their teacher had to say about this song:

“I love Brad Paisley! He’s a really good singer and artist,” says Elizabeth Huff.


(gif sources)

“I think that he’s trying to make a statement that we can all live on this world together and not have to segregate and try to be different,” Shipman [their teacher] said.



No, I’m pretty sure this song is saying, “Get over it already, man.”

“Bringing people together – that’s what music’s done for hundreds of years.”


“I think it’s a little risky, because most of the racist people are going to hate him now, but the people who understand it are really gonna like it.”


I believe the children are our future, and I am scared shitless.

P.S. “Scared Shitless” would be a great country song title. Get on that, Blake Shelton.


Make it rain in Market Square.

Today’s news:

The Bomb Squad has been called to Regent Square after a suspicious package was discovered Thursday morning.

According to officials at the scene, a backpack was found outside of an apartment building near the intersection of Forbes Avenue and Flotilla Street.

As it turns out, the backpack belonged to a student and was filled with books.

The backpack.

Was filled.

With books.

One of these days I’m going to leave a giant bag of donuts in the middle of Market Square. Then I’m going to wait for the bomb squad to show up to blow the bag up.

And right after they do, I’ll jump out and shout, “I just made it RAIN DONUTS! [throws signs]”

How much jail time do you think I’ll do?


I am married to a Mexican, so I can tell you this. Cinco de Mayo is not that big of a deal in Mexico, and I say that even though we were married on Cinco de Mayo down in Cancun. But here in America, we love to take that one day of the year and go crazisimo! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s good that we should celebrate all the fabulous things that the Mexican culture has given us here in America.

On Cinco de Mayo, we eat at Mexican restaurants and drink margaritas and say things like, “Ole to all the fiesta in the casa!” Man, your spanish sucks mucho grande if you say crapito like that.

Anyway, true Mexican cuisine is not hard-shell folded tacos or sour cream and shredded jack cheese on top of ground meat and topped with Pace Picante. And it is CERTAINLY not chimichangas. True Mexican cuisine is soft corn tortillas topped with marinated meat and chopped onions and cilantro. Or corn on the cob smothered in mayo and then sprinkled with Tajin and cotija cheese.

Internet? Taco Bell is not true Mexican cuisine.

Also not true Mexican? Doritos. But don’t tell PNC Firstside Center, which has a special treat for Firstside employees to celebrate this Cinco de Mayo according to an email that recently went out to employees:

Attention: PNC Firstside Center Employees

Cinco de Mayo (Spanish for fifth of May) is a date of great importance for the Mexican and Chicano communities. It marks the victory of the Mexican Army over the French at the Battle of Puebla. Cinco de Mayo is celebrated nationwide in the United States and regionally in Mexico, primarily in the state of Puebla.

On Thursday, May 3, beginning at 11:30 a.m., the Firstside Center Service Council will sponsor a Cinco de Mayo event in the Cafe. Individuals from the Firstside Building Management Team will join the fun by distributing bags of Doritos. 

Ole, los employiados! We are so glad you could arriviera to our fiesta celebrating los manos and womenos of Mexico! Here is a bagito of deliciousimo flavored and heavily processed chipitos! Would tu preferita Rancho del Coolio or regularmente Nachito flavorito?

I love you, PNC, for you are my bank for life. But … [falls down laughing].


There are so many many many ways to die. The Grim Reaper must have an entire library of them organized by the Dewey Decimal System.


Brain-eating amoeba. (Right now my sister Tina Fey is all, “I HAVE ONE OF THOSE EATING MY FRONTAL LOBE AS WE TYPE.”

Cancer. (Ugh.)


Brain aneurysm.

Blood clot. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is Googling, “I think I have a blood clot. What now?”)

From cute. (Pretty sure it could happen if I looked this picture of a baby hedgehog long enough.)



Ebola. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is writing on a Post-It, “Avoid Africa at all costs. Also, check daily for bleeding from eyeballs.”)

And there are a lot of ways to intentionally put yourself right in the path of the Reaper. Everest. Suicide. Suicide by Everest. Drugs. Gaining 700 pounds. Posting Facebook or Twitter updates all, “Sigh.” or “YES!” or “I’m over it.” or “Hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” or any other vague, cry-for-attention words or phrases. I should be allowed to kill those people, right?

But to put yourself in the path of the Reaper in such a bold fashion as these two young teenagers from Butler, is a new brand of spitting in the eye of the Grim Reaper.

Police say two teenage girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on a rural road have been struck by a car.

The Beaver County Police Department told a local TV station that Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George, both 13, were hit by the vehicle Sunday afternoon.

Two of Samantha’s cousins told the station that their 19-year-old brother had stopped at a stop sign and made a turn before striking the girls with his car.

Nicole and Nicholas Beck say the girls were conscious and told them that they had fallen asleep while suntanning.

Was there no other spot of sun anywhere in all of Beaver than in the middle of a road?

Now, the girls will survive, thank God, so I feel confident in using this time to teach them a lesson that really will take them far in their lives from this point on:

The only beings that should sunbathe in the middle of a road are snakes and Vaguebookers.

Makes it easy for me to rid the world of both of those scourges.

Also, someone needs to get these girls some shirts that say, “I bitch-slapped the Grim Reaper, and won.”

To Catch a Texter

WTAE’s report on the new texting while driving ban that went into effect today is chuckle-worthy.

First, they’ve blocked this guy’s face out in the still image that goes with the online story:


Because “EEK! He’s texting! SHAME. What will his neighbors and his boss think?!”

However, if you watch the video, you will see he is texting while stopped at a red light, which is still legal:

The law states that offenders can only be pulled over while driving. The car must be in motion to break the law.

Not only that, if you watch the video, you can see his face:


Caught ya!

Doing something completely legal.