Category Archives: Famous Burghers

Random n’at

(Photo from Philip G. Pavely/Trib)

1. Today, despite having not heard the song since it was popular mumble years ago, I got Cher’s “Just Like Jesse James” stuck in my head.

That’s messed up shit, as earworms go. I’d rather have Air Supply stuck in there.

Shit. Now I have Air Supply stuck in there.

2. My fourth self-united husband Joe Manganiello is in town this week as he visits his alma mater Mt. Lebanon High School to accept an award and also hosts a fundraiser for SICK KIDS. He spent some time yesterday visiting kids on the 9th floor of Children’s Hospital, the Oncology and “Frequent Fliers” floor, which you remember we outfitted this spring with gaming thanks to Make Room for Kids.

See. I don’t just pick hot self-united husbands. I pick kindred spirits. Bosom friends. Good neighbors.

Step off.

3. I’m attending the showing of Wicked Thursday night with my sister Princess Aurora of Wexfordhampsminstershire and I am dying to find out what all the fuss is about this show. My mother has been going on about it forever, it seems. Almost all of the shows are sold out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t snag a ticket now that the Cultural Trust has announced a $25 ticket lottery for Orchestra seats!

A day-of-performance lottery for a limited number of orchestra seats will be held daily for WICKED, which will be performing from Wednesday, September 7 through Sunday, October 2, at the Benedum Center.  Each day, 2½ hours prior to show time people who present themselves at the Theater Square Box Office, 655 Penn Avenue, downtown Pittsburgh will have their names placed in a lottery drum and then thirty minutes later, names will be drawn for a limited number of orchestra seats at $25 each, cash only.  This lottery is available only in-person at the box office, with a limit of two tickets per person.

Awesome and worth the shot.

4. The Sidney Crosby presser was exactly what we thought it would be. Sid feels better, up to 80-90%, but still no timetable for his return.

However, the good news is that his doctors are optimistic he will have a long career.

All we know for sure right now is this: Sid is in town and he is still super adorable.

Also, Sid’s doctor called Sid a Ferrari.

Should I be worried my doctor calls me a Winnebago?


5.  Local band 1-2-3, the duo behind the Work song and video that I love so much, have a show coming up this Sunday at Mr. Smalls!

I’ve never been to Mr. Smalls. Does that make me a bad Burgher?

6. One of the prizes for the Rachel Carson Homestead Raffle is pretty freaking awesome and involves my charter self-united husband:

City councilman Bill Peduto and actor David Conrad have agreed to donate their time as an amazing prize package in the Community Experiences Raffle. The two have agreed to team up on  September 24th, 2011, at 1:00pm  and act as personal chefs for one lucky winner and 10 of their closest friends. They will barbecue and socialize at the Homestead (food and beer provided by RCHA).

Details here!

7. Pittsburgh police are working hard to eradicate drug dealers from downtown via Operation: Stink Bug.

Man, I have said this before and I will say it again now. I would REALLY like to be the person who gets to name operations.

Operation: Hellfire Scourge Death Bomb

Operation: Incontinent Tarantula

Operation: Oozing Orifice

Operation: Son of McBeam

How awesome would it be to hear Ken Rice be all, “Pittsburgh police rounded up 23 suspected downtown drug dealers today via Operation: Teat of Goat …”

8. The Seattle Seahawks cut Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Reed who they signed after he was released by the team that wears the gold pants. I’m not good with names.

One writer with Seattle Weekly is sad about it:

The proximate cause of Reed’s dismissal was the fact that only three of his five kickoffs in the Seahawks’ preseason finale on Friday made it to the end zone. At 32, he’s getting on in years, especially considering that he’s lived many of those years to a remarkable degree of excess.

“Remarkable degree of excess.”

I like that. It makes all the drinking and whoring he did sound so refined.

I’m going to steal that.

  • “But officer! I wasn’t stalking Jeff Jimmerson; I was just observing him with a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “I didn’t inhale a jar of Nutella; I simply partook of it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “I didn’t murder the pigeon; I simply tased it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “The Pirates are sucking to a remarkable degree of excess lately.”

9. Remarkable Degree of Excess would make a good band name.

So would Teat of Goat.


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Random n’at

1. For six days now I have been hearing what sounds like bubbles popping in my left ear. Lately it sounds more like someone is inside my brain playing bongo drums. It keeps me up at night. I swear the other night I heard “Stayin’ Alive” in my head.

Using WebMD and good ole fashioned ye olde common sense, I diagnosed myself with one of three things: 1. flesh-rotting parasite 2. brain-eating amoeba 3. inoperable brain tumor.

The doctor today told me it’s actually water behind my ear drum and it is going to take three different prescriptions to hopefully dry the liquid up and stop the drumming.

I said, “THREE prescriptions?! Are you sure it’s not just the voices in my head have formed a bongo drum band?”

Which begs the question, if the voices in your head form a band, what’s a good name for it?

The Parasitic Amoeba Tumors just doesn’t roll off of the tongue that well.

2.  When Pittsburgh celebrities tweet each other:

(h/t @lisamh77, whose twitter background is all kinds of kickass)

3. I tweeted this earlier, but I wanted to be sure you all knew that your job today was probably a lot less hellfiery that this poor soul’s at the Waterfront Chik-Fil-A:

Also, I’m pretty sure that cow is supposed to be grilling steak.

How do you say cannibal in bovine?

4. Speaking of my self-united husband Joe Manganiello, there’s an interview with up over at the Steelers’ site. A few of my favorite parts.

When you hear the name Steelers, what does it make you think?

I think about hard hitting, smash-mouth football. But the bigger thing is I think about the city’s personality. The steel mills are no longer here, but the city still has that blue collar workman attitude.  It’s no frills. They don’t put up with a lot. That is why you see a lot of players that cause trouble or have character issues leave.

What current Steelers player would make a good Spiderman?

Once again I have to go with Troy Polamalu. Troy moves differently than the other players. My trainer is a semi-pro football player and he has adopted some exercises that were taken from Troy’s workout. It’s all one-legged on moving platforms, catching things while keeping your posture. It has to be Troy who would be a good Spiderman.

Troy could never get his hair up in that Spiderman costume, therefore, the correct answer, Joe, was Daniel Sepulveda.

What current Steelers player would make a good werewolf?

James Harrison. He would make a great werewolf. He looks at you and his eyes light up yellow. I wouldn’t be surprised if James was a werewolf.

(h/t Traci)

5. If you don’t yet appreciate the genius that was Frank Lloyd Wright, architect of Falling Water in Fayette County, and other way-ahead-of-their-time edifices, check out this post where on what would be his 144th birthday, HGTV takes a look at what the times were like when Wright was designing two of his most well-known works.

I was stunned.

6. Those whom we do not discuss until they are at or above .500 … you know … are one game away from .500 … you know.

I was never here.

7. Clint Hurdle, manager of those whom we do not discuss, had a Q&A with fans, and these made me love him more, if that’s possible:

jonpone: Last night was a great example of not quitting. How do you keep them going when they are losing in late innings?

Hurdle:: #1 – Good teams don’t quit. #2 – Quitting is not acceptable here. #3 – We owe it to our fan base to play a hard nine innings for 27 outs as long as it takes — whether it is 9,000 fans or 30,000 fans. There has to be a certain honor you feel when you put on our uniform that says “Pirates” on it. In the true spirit of being a Pirate, how could you ever quit?

Amen and that’s church.

jm_bucsfan: How much do you love Pittsburgh now that you’re here for real?

Hurdle:: My family and I are humbled by the way we’ve been embraced by the community. The city fits us like a good pair of jeans. We are a blue collar family with a strong work ethic and commitment to one another. We have a “dig it out of the dirt” mentality. We are everything this city stands for since I made my first trip here in 1981. There is a hard-nosed mentality here that’s noticeable, but everyone here is soft where it counts — in the heart. We love it.

“Hard-nosed mentality … but everyone here is soft where it counts — in the heart.”

The drums in my head are playing “Endless Love” now.

8. If you’re looking to score Steelers individual tickets, June 25, bay-bee.

I don’t normally call you “bay-bee” but right now I’m just doing what the bongo drums in my head are telling me to do. If I suddenly type [BEWBS!], you’ll know why.

9. Welcome back Billy Guerin!

10. [BEWBS!]



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Black and Yellow and Busted

Okay. Now, now. I’m not trying to make myself unpopular in the local hip-hop community or to alienate my hip-hop loving readers, because keep in mind, I’ve been known to dorkily rap along with a joint or two.

I once heard Nick Cannon call a song a joint, and I hope I used it right or I have just exponentially increased my dork-factor. What am I saying? I just quoted Nick Cannon. My dork-factor is already off the charts.

I know I’m a pilgrim. I know I’m in the minority.

That said:

According to several reports, rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested for marijuana possession after a performance at East Carolina University’s Wright Auditorium on Tuesday, November 9th. The marijuana was discovered after a bus in which Wiz Khalifa was traveling was raided by police.

I just want to say this.

85% of Wiz’s songs are about weed. Every interview he does he talks about weed and how his mother here in Pittsburgh is a weed chef or something. Every other tweet is about weed. He bragged that he drops $10,000 a month on weed. He tweets pictures of himself smoking weed. He wakes and he bakes and he is, by his own very public admission, almost constantly high.


Like it or not, Internet, marijuana is illegal and you can only flaunt your breaking of the law, whether you agree with the law or not, for so long before the law catches up to you.

That’s all I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’? I’m just sayin’.

You know what it is. Everything I do, I do it big. Black and yellow. Black and yellow.

[throws signs]

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Dork vs. Hip Hop

As you are aware, if I handed you my iPod, you would scroll through the songs on there, sit down, and have yourself a merry little belly laugh.

Here’s the first several that come up on shuffle, just to give you an idea:

  • Alanis Morissette, Uninvited.
  • Phantom of the Opera Cast, Phantom of the Opera
  • David Cook, Life on the Moon
  • Glee Cast, Take a Bow
  • Breathe, Does She Love That Man
  • Carrie Underwood, I Told You So

Are you done laughing?

My point is, I’m a musical dork. I like dorky music. My iPod is filled with dork words set to dork melodies filled with dork violins. Lots of country music dorks, too.

As a general state of being, I don’t “get” hip-hop music that much. I mean, yeah, I was all into Gangsta’s Paradise back when Michelle Pfeiffer was schooling young dangerous minds, but I’m not one to spend much time listening to n-word-filled raps about hoes and bitches and weed and shizzles and whatever expensive champagne is currently the must-have of the hip-hop world. I’m more of a “my girl left me and mah truck it broke down the raiiiin. You can blame the pain, but yah can’t,” or “honkey tonk badonkadonk” kind of girl.

To each his or her own.

So imagine my surprise that this song by Pittsburgh’s own Wiz Khalifa, Black and Yellow, is now stuck in my head.

And the video is filled with Pittsburgh goodness and there’s a DJ Bonics sighting at 2:37. And as the boys at the Freak Show pointed out, LaMarr Woodley is in there too!

YouTube Preview Image

It’s catchy as heck, and I’ve already caught myself doing the dishes all, “Yeah ah ha, you know what it is, everything I do, I do it big.”

[throws signs] [flips through a stack of ones] [guzzles coffee]

Also, someone feed that boy a sandwich. His thigh is as big as my arm. Sheesh.

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New Smokin’ Hot Burgher

It’s been, oh, about four months or so now that I have been receiving emails, from both men and women mind you, basically saying, “Joe Manganiello is from Pittsburgh and he deserves to be named an official Smoking Hot Burgher,” or “Joe Manganiello jwomwefmwoefmweo orgasm wemqwoikq burgher mqkwm swoon,” or “Have you seen this fine piece of Pittsburgh ass?”

And you know what? Joe Manganiello, who currently stars on the hit HBO show True Blood, is pretty damn hot:

But, I mean, I don’t watch True Blood yet (going to get Season 1 on DVD), so when I saw his chiseled face and Adonis-like body, I was all, “Self, this man is good looking. But there’s no THERE there.” And you know I like there to be some THERE there when it comes to hot burghers. Look at my self-united husbands for the love of God. Daniel — generous, religious, kind. David — generous, kind, dedicated to Pittsburgh. Matt — super smart, putting Pittsburgh on the map.

I ignored the emails about Joe until such a time that I found the There.

I found the There.

Go watch Joe Manganiello’s interview on Good Day LA. Try to ignore the booby ditzes who won’t shut the hell up.

Start at 3:15 when Joe Manganiello first brings up Pittsburgh. Listen as he talks about Pittsburgh. About the Steelers. About Pitt Football. Listen as he says, “I bleed black and gold.” Listen as he brings up Namath, Fitzgerald, and Marino. Listen. Swoon. Love.

Is it weird that I get a bit emotional when I watch things like that? I think it’s weird. I can’t help it. I think I might love Pittsburgh too much.

Regardless, in addition to now being an official Smokin’ Hot Burgher, Joe Manganiello is my new imaginary self-united husband and I think he’ll fit in nicely with Matt, David, and Daniel.

So, ladies, step off.

[awkward kung fu moves]

(h/t Amy)

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