That's Church

1. If you haven’t yet, please scroll down or click here to see pictures of the $20,000 in technology upgrades we dropped off and installed at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh this week.

2. Reader Kathleen is running the Pittsburgh 1/2 Marathon for Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund.

If you’re looking for a charitable place to spread some good karma today, go throw in a few dollars for her? She only needs about $240 more to reach her goal!

For sick kids!

3. The Bucs are in second place. Half game out of first. They’ve won 12 of their last 16, I think. The best team in baseball, Atlanta, has only lost 6 games all season, and three of those were to the Pirates.

I’M JUST SAYING.

4.  Did you know you can buy Yinzer Bingo at Wildcard and another store that sells them, but I lost the name? There’s a K in the name? Anyone? Anyone? Zober?

Regardless, LOOK!

These are created by John the Craftist, who is actually a woman. Look at some of the other amazing stuff she creates, many of which are greeting cards:

I’m kind of in love with all of this and I wonder if there’s a Gemini one that says, “Witty. Passionate. Batshit Crazy.”

Anyway, I’ll be in Wildcard very soon to buy all the things.

5. Pigeons are assholes. And they smoke too. Look at this news photo from a 1989 edition of the Post-Gazette.

Click to embiggen and then read the caption.

Unreal. If today’s pigeons get wind of this, it is going to RAIN FIRE.

(h/t Jerry)

6. If you’re around Market Square next Friday morning …

Light of Life Rescue Mission is presenting former MLB player Sean Casey with the 3rd annual Locker Room Leadership Award at 9:30 a.m.  Sean is a former all-star baseball player for the Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Boston Red Sox, and Cleveland Indians. Dennis Bowman will emcee, introducing former Steelers Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley who will present Sean with the award.

I’ll be there hanging out for sure. Sean does amazing things for the homeless via Light of Life.

7. This is old, but shut up.

Pittsburgh leads the nation in people moving in.

Suck it, Portland.

8. Giant Eagle is grocery store Big Brother?

Also, people are STILL commenting on my pharmacy rant. My God.

9. Lukey went AWOL, said he never left the city, but apparently his press secretary thought he went to Bradenton at one point. 

That sounds right.

10. Pretty sure the P-G is going to endorse Wagner after reading this article. Why? Just scroll down and read the comment left by Matt Barron. The P-G very conveniently left out some HUGE names that endorsed Bill Peduto yesterday. 

[golf clap]

11. Headline: “Penguins Drop Second Straight.”

Seriously. Two losses in a row. NBD.

12. The fountain is almost ready to go!

Here’s an image from today via Point Park TV’s twitter account:

Cannot wait until I can take my kids for a stroll around the fountain again.

13. UNREAL TIMELAPSE OF FOG ROLLING INTO PITTSBURGH.

Also unreal? That WTAE used FOUR anchors to intro it. Hah!

But seriously … amazing video.

14. Mother’s Day!

I wrote about Pittsburgh Moms for the May magazine edition. A snippet:

Our conversations about the latest episode of “Greatest American Hero” turned to hushed whispers. There was no whining about elbows in ribs or bothersome jelly-shoe blisters. While we painfully swallowed our sneezes, our mom drove with her chin hovering 3 inches above the steering wheel and her hands locked in a death-grip. She’d hold this position until the wagon was safely parked — which is when she’d exhale and revoke the sacred Writ of Silentium Absolutus.

I didn’t appreciate it then, but I can see it now for what it was: My mother was doing something far outside of her comfort zone so that her girls could have nice clothes (that didn’t scream, “Five kids. One job. Hills is where the toys are.”).

And I also put together a Burghy Mother’s Day gift guide for you. Everything from Burgh-made jewelry, to an awesome Pirates iPhone case, to BYOB painting classes where Mom can paint her own Pittsburgh skyline, and LOTS more.

I mean, the Confluence necklace pictured up top of this post? Holy moly.

Check all the gift suggestions out here.

15. Finally, your amazing tweets:

this commercial says we start losing muscle at age 40. haha joke’s on you I never had any muscle

— James Foreman (@jamesforeman) April 25, 2013

*achoo* <<pause>> Oh god. #thingsyoudontwanttohear

— Terra McBride (@spicymeatball) April 25, 2013

BRB buying like 100 cars from Debbie Flaherty

— Jim Shireman (@shireman) April 25, 2013

Pittsburgh Poetry! vine.co/v/bPpK0tYUr2u

— Pittsburgh Dad (@Pittsburgh_Dad) April 24, 2013

if I die in my sleep, that last show I’ve watched was Ready for Love, so

— Jordan Valinsky (@jordan327) April 24, 2013

Welcome to Pittsburgh, where (evidently) any vehicle making a left turn has the right of way!

— Steve Norcup (@snorcup) April 23, 2013

Have to submit a reimbursement request on this form created entirely with comic sans. Perhaps the check will be signed by the Animaniacs.

— Tim Hindes (@thindes) April 20, 2013

Flash Bang: a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform unusual sex acts for a brief time, then quickly disperse.

— Bill Crawford (@dveBillCrawford) April 20, 2013

Speculation is the new news.

— mindbling (@mindbling) April 19, 2013

1.Well Snowmaggedon 2012 has turned in LOLmaggedon and all the local weather people who told us to expect anywhere from 6 to 8 inches of snow are looking like the boy who cried wolf. But NO ONE cried wolf longer and louder than Fake Julie Bologna on Twitter:

Winter weather advisory tmrw. 6-8 ft. of snow. Boulder sized hail possible. Wind gusts upward of 300 mph. River tsunami warning. Locusts.

— Fake Julie Bologna (@fakejulie) April 23, 2012

My God, if SyFy doesn’t make a movie called River Tsunami soon, they have epically failed.

2. A local 16-year-old girl from Beaver is up for Black Enterprise Magazine‘s 2012 Teenpreneur Award for her business, Amber’s Amazing Animal Balloons, and check out her creations on her website and in this video:

Did you see the parrot and the penguins?! Wow. Do you know what I can make with a balloon? A loud popping sound. It’s quite impressive. It’s less of a KA-POW and more of a ZA-BAM!

Vote for Amber here!

(h/t John)

3. If you haven’t seen this yet, a first-grader from Pittsburgh won a national penmanship award and the amazing thing is she was born with no hands.

My heart almost can’t stand it.

(h/t my Dad)

4. It is imperative that I get this on a shirt or in a cross-stitch pattern.  Or tattooed on my body.

(h/t Nancy)

5. If you’re looking for something to do this Saturday, the cool all-girl comedy variety act troupe Frankly Scarlett will be performing at the Cabaret!

The crazy part, without meaning to, half of their troupe has appeared in my Burghy Weddings series over at the mag! Robin Hitchcock is the bride that stopped at Fathead’s with her groom. And in this picture of Robin’s wedding, you can see other troupe members Abby Fudor and Liz Labacz. Then you’ve got Addi Twigg here.

They describe the show to me as this:

Lots of clever writing mixed with entirely goofy ideas. We have bits mocking the all-male subcommittee hearing on reproductive rights (all-female subcommittee hearing on male pattern baldness) …and we also do 90s rap and dance moves as Salt-N-Suga, a touring edutainment group. In addition to sketch and improv, we have local musician (and funny lady) Addi Twigg on stage the whole time as our ‘band’. She does hilarious and beautiful covers of songs, and sings between sketches to help give a cabaret feeling to the night.  And finally we do video (writing, editing, etc.) Sisters doin’ it for themselves!!

GIRL POWER!

More info here! Or on Facebook here.

6. My Dad sent me this and maybe some of you would enjoy it too. A look at Monroeville in the early 60s to 70s:

Thrift Drugs and Victoria Station. Man, that is a blast from the past and I feel old and I’ve fallen but I’ll just stay down here and take a nap.

I wonder if my sisters remember going to Victoria Station to eat.

7. Light of Life Rescue mission asked me to take part in this little project for the upcoming Tunch and Wolf’s Walk for the Homeless. YOU try saying no to that. Luckily I’m only in it for a second or two.

It’s a great cause and I’m looking forward to visiting the place soon.

7. Sixteen things Calvin and Hobbes said better than anyone else.

Also, if I may add, “Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such a rate as to render linear thought impossible.”

I just typed that from memory, but I bet I’m not more than three words off.

Me is to Calvin and Hobbes as David Conrad is to Shakespeare. That’ll be on the SATs I bet.

(h/t Jonathan)

8. You. With the face. Tell me where I can buy these online:

Because I will rock that thing to the fullest.

(h/t Mikey)

1. Today I spent the morning at the Mario Lemieux Foundation helping prepare for Make Room for Kids install day at the cancer unit at Children’s Hospital which will take place this Thursday. I can’t wait to share with you everything we’re gifting those kids with thanks to you and the generous folks at the local Microsoft office.

2. An exclusive look at Hines Ward’s Atlanta mansion thanks to Bob Pompeani.

TWENTY-EIGHT FLAT SCREEN TVs IN ONE HOUSE?!

And I thought we were excessive for having three in ours. My God, I would be a terrible rich person.

Also, I can’t watch a Bob Pompeani video without immediately wanting to go watch him tear up a dance floor like nobody was watching.

3. Paul Van Osdol reports on the texting while driving ban and demonstrates how you too can fool the police.

“Instead of texting up here, people are texting down here” might be my favorite news reporter quote of the week.

4. Someone stole a rather large statue of Paul Bunyan … or a statue of an angry pilgrim who wishes to kill you good:

(Tribune Democrat)

They oughta sell that thing to the Scarehouse. They love evil dead-eyed shit like that.

5. And yet another hockey professional calls Sidney Crosby a diving whiner.

“It was whining,” Fraser said.  “Mike Richards was yelling at him at that instant, he said something to the effect of ‘it looks like a yard sale out here.’ He had gloves thrown all over the place, he was grabbing his face, taking dives. and then he would complain to the referee that he was fouled. I like tough hockey. It’s a man’s game. And I do provide for player safety. Once that line is crossed, I like to see guys respond when the bell rings. There were times when he was looking and going down easy. Which was designed to embarrass the referee and fool him into calling penalties. That wasn’t going to happen with me.”

Let’s call the wahmbulance for all these whiners whining about Sid’s “whining.”

6.  How slow of a news day does it have to be for KDKA to air a report that firemen in Westmoreland County saved some koi?

7. The second round of Burghy wedding pictures is up over at Pittsburgh Magazine, this one featuring Primanti’s, Kennywood, the incline and more!

Who knew you could rent an incline?!  I might rent one next week for the most intense ten minute rave ever.  $340 cover charge.

8. As you recall violent rhino sex is a real thing that resulted in the two rhinos at the zoo charging at each other and trying to do bodily harm to one another while attempting to procreate, which seems completely counterproductive, but to each his or her own violent copulation methods.

When Azizi met Jomo, the two locked horns.

The Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium’s two black rhinos chased, roared, snorted and charged each other as part of the animals’ rowdy mating ritual that began in late 2009.

“It definitely wasn’t love at first sight,” said Barbara Baker, president and CEO of the Highland Park zoo. “Rhino breeding is anything but romantic … They had an intense courtship that was quite aggressive.”

As a result, the pair’s first baby is expected in September, after a roughly 15-month gestation period. It would be the first rhino calf delivered at the zoo in 47 years.

You also recall that violent rhino sex is one of our blog fake band names. Here is their first album:

Songs on the CD include “Hateful Horn,” “Angry Orgy,” and “My Gestation Period is HOW FREAKING LONG?!”

That last one is a power ballad.

This is not a fake news story from BroCouncil.com, WPXI.

This is not the Onion.

These are not made-up words like “flossbobbin” or “hedgemony” or “lederhosen.”

This is real life:

The Pirates beat the Minnesota Twins 17-6 via a TEN-RUN FIRST INNING.

Words are not sufficient. We shall speak in Psych gifs.

I’d do the Dance of Joy if I wasn’t already wiped out from doing it for the weather forecast.

WTAE’s report on the new texting while driving ban that went into effect today is chuckle-worthy.

First, they’ve blocked this guy’s face out in the still image that goes with the online story:

Because “EEK! He’s texting! SHAME. What will his neighbors and his boss think?!”

However, if you watch the video, you will see he is texting while stopped at a red light, which is still legal:

The law states that offenders can only be pulled over while driving. The car must be in motion to break the law.

Not only that, if you watch the video, you can see his face:

Caught ya!

Doing something completely legal.