Category Archives: Mayor Ravenstahl
Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl enters, spies the Secretary packing up her office into boxes.
“Her office” = donuts. “Boxes” = her mouth.
Mayor Luke: [sighs]
PittGirl: “Pick your shoulders up, Champ. There is a very very good chance this is the last time you’ll ever visit my office.”
Mayor: [eyes brighten] “Really?!”
PG: “Really! But before we hopefully say goodbye to the Office of That’s Church — the office of truth, of snark, of ‘telling it like it is no matter what,’ we need to discuss how INCREDIBLY, EPICALLY, MONSTROUSLY STUPID YOU ARE ON TWITTER.”
Luke: “I hate you.”
PG: “I bet you do! Have a seat.”
Luke: “Have we met?”
PG: “Fine. Stand.”
Luke: ”I will.”
PG: “Do you know that I used to hate your politician-speak? That weird ‘myself and others like myself’ vernacular you used to spout like a robot? I used to call it Politicobot 2000 or something like that. I hated it. You took 30 words to say something that could have been communicated in five words. I thought if we stripped away that important-sounding facade, we’d find you normal. Dare I say, likable. A regular Pittsburgh guy just trying his best to do the job he was, in some ways, thrust into. Are you seriously giggling because I just said ‘thrust?’”
Luke: “Shut up.”
PG: “I will not. So now your political aspirations have been snuffed out like a candle in the wind, Elton, and along with those aspirations went your Robot Politician Facade, and guess what was behind that facade? Guess. Go ahead. I’m telling you to guess. Say words.”
Luke: “What’s a fac–?”
PG: “BZZZZZ! Time’s up! What we have found behind the facade is what some suspected all along — a weird fratboy/meangirl hybrid with the grammar of a first grader and an addiction to useless hashtags.”
Luke: “Oh! Fratmeangirlboy!”
PG: [headdesk] “I hate you.”
Luke: “I bet you do!”
PG: “So you took to Twitter to publicly whine that a city police officer uses his off-duty time to ref NCAA basketball games and the media doesn’t care, but they bug you mercilessly about your schedule. You, in your holy righteous indignation, salivated as you thought you were about to make the media feel so so foolish. You linked to a schedule of his games and wrote. ‘Imagine if I was out of town this much!’ You hashtagged it with #justsayin — which, that alone is enough to make my bitchslapping hand feel kinda itchy, Luke. You manufactured this controversy mere DAYS after tweeting about how terrible it was that the media manufactures controversy. You also missed an important thing: that if city police officers are doing things you feel they shouldn’t on their off-time, YOU AS THE MAYOR SHOULD HANDLE THAT. THE FINAL BLAME FOR THAT SHOULD REST ON YOUR SHOULDERS. The irony of this is just about killing me, Lukey — like an anvil is going to fall on my head at any moment.”
Luke: [looks up hopefully]
PG: “What are you? Right at this moment. What are you?”
Luke: “A fratmeangirlboy!”
PG: “Lieutenant Scirotto is a police officer. YOU ARE THE MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY. This is beyond apples and oranges. This is bikes and pumpkins. The Pope and Kim Kardashian. POOP AND DIAMONDS. You’re trying to compare how much the media cares about a cop versus how much the media cares about the mayor. It’s LAUGHABLE. The media doesn’t really care where Lieutenant Scirotto is during his off time because he’s a police officer. However, the MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY answers to we the people. His schedule should be public. He should show up. He should lead. He should be as transparent as air. He should work so hard he ages before our very eyes. He should not, at any point in time, giggle at the word thrust.”
PG: ”I hate you.”
Luke: ”I hate you to infinity no backsies.”
PG: [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk]
Luke: ”Are we done?”
PG: ”No. I’m going to need you to hand over any hashtags you have on your person.”
Luke: ”Even #7yearsofsuccesses?!”
PG: ”ESPECIALLY #7yearsofsuccesses.”
Luke: “Fine. But I’m keeping #noclue.”
PG: “Knock yourself out.”
Luke: “Now are we done?”
PG: “My God, I hope so.”
Luke: “Bye. #itsbeenreal.” [turns to walk away]
PG: [rises, runs, tackles Lukey to the ground and rips the hashtag from his hands]
I was going to write this post for my blog at Pittsburgh Magazine, but I feel like at some point I’m going to want to be all “choke a bitch” or “shit a brick” or “[BEWBS]” or something, so I’ll just leave this here instead.
With a slightly lower voter turnout than in 2009 when 45,416 votes were cast in the Democratic Primary, last night Bill Peduto won his party’s nomination and if history is any indicator — and right now History is all, “Bitch, have you met me? I am the BIGGEST indicator.” — then Bill Peduto is the next mayor of Pittsburgh.
Lukey’s arch-nemesis. The man against which Lukey spent God-knows-how-many dollars to destroy.
Right now Lukey is sitting next to the brick he shit last night and is writing some super depressing rap rhymes that contain rhyming pairs like “dude/rude” and “haters/gators” and “mud/crud.” Lukey is TERRIBLE at writing raps.
Wagner was Lukey’s Chosen One.
You know this because he bankrolled anti-Peduto ads and left some super fierce [snap snap] Facebook comments about “haters” and “He said duty. Heh.” I might be misremembering that second one. [shrug]
And you can be sure this is how he looked as he watched the results last night:
Wagner picked up Lukey’s supporters and that included the police and firefighters unions and I don’t need to tell you this, but they aren’t happy with the results.
Alluding to Mr. Peduto’s support for the state supervision that curbs the bargaining leverage of city unions, Mike LaPorte, the president of the Fraternal Order of Police said the new nominee “treats the city workers like garbage.”
“I’m thinking about retiring,” he added.
Let me translate:
Regardless, this is the first day of the beginning of the end of the Ravenstahl era. I once had really high hopes for Luke, and now I’ll transfer those high hopes to Bill Peduto, just as I would have done if Jack Wagner had won.
You can be against Peduto, but you can’t be against Pittsburgh; so let’s hope for the best and see where this new road leads us.
Hopefully we won’t find ourselves suffering with typhoid and cholera, fording a rapidly rising Mon while riding a three-wheeled wagon being pulled by dysentery-riddled oxen.
(Photo credit: Michael Henninger of the Post-Gazette)
Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.
Mayor Luke: [walks in. Sees me sitting there. Turns to leave.]
Me: WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?
Mayor Luke: I –
Me: Did you seriously, after I strongly advised against it, go back to Facebook to leave another comment on a Post-Gazette article? Again sounding like a whining 14-year-old? Again not using proper spelling, punctuation, or grammar?
Me: And did you use the word haters?!
Me: And did you put the word haters inside of unnecessary quotation marks?
Me: Did you actually graduate college?
Me: Is proofreading your kryptonite?
Me: Are you really this out of f–ks?
Me: Did you never learn the difference between its and it’s?
Me: Do you not realize that when reporters ask you if you’re bankrolling anti-Peduto commercials and you don’t respond to them, that when you are finally confirmed as the funder, you don’t get to self-righteously claim that you never tried to hide anything? WHEN YOU ARE THE MAYOR, NOT ANSWERING REPORTERS IS HIDING SOMETHING, STINKBRAIN.
Me: You are still the mayor, you understand that?
Me: You’re still collecting a paycheck, are you not?
Me: THEN YOU HAVE TO WORK. You have to show up. You have to be visible. You, Mayor Luke, HAVE. TO. BE. MAYOR UNTIL THERE IS A NEW MAYOR. You don’t get to say, “I quit, but not like quit quit, because I love my paycheck. So just … you do you and I’ll do me. Holla.”
Me: No. There is no but. YOU HAVE TO BE THE MAYOR. You still have to answer reporters’ questions. You are still accountable.
Me: You do realize, do you not, that you are, at this point in time, political poison? Hemlock. Publicly backing Wagner is not going to help Wagner. It’s going to make people say to themselves, “Do I really want a mayor who Luke Ravenstahl supports?” You should have stayed out of it, if you really want Wagner to win. You should have stayed off Facebook, but you didn’t. And you’ve buried six feet deep any semblance of maturity you ever had.
Me: I know. You deleted it. But Luke, like stupidity, the Internet is forever.
Me: FOR. EVER.
Me: You messed up. Stay off of Facebook. Go to work. Be our mayor. Work on UPMC. Back Wagner quietly lest you poison him. And again, please, I can’t say this enough: stay off of Facebook. Don’t “like.” Don’t “share.” And don’t, for the love of God, “poke.” Take the high road. Act older than 14. Don’t call the P-G a “rag.” Don’t ask them how they publish their paper with a “straight face.” When you’re no longer the mayor, go nuts. Go total batshit Amanda Bynes bonkers. But for now, just be the mayor.
Me: You know I’m right. Or you wouldn’t have deleted it.
Luke: I’m leaving.
Me: There’s the door.
Luke: [walks away]
Me: Oh, and Luke?
Luke: [turns] What?
Me: ELLIPSES ARE NOT PERIODS.
Luke: [storms off]
Me: Don’t be a hater, baby! That’s just church!
- April 26, 2013
- filed under City Council, Local media, Make Room for Kids, Mayor Ravenstahl, Penguins, Pirates, The Damn Pigeons, Yarone Zober
- 11 comments
1. If you haven’t yet, please scroll down or click here to see pictures of the $20,000 in technology upgrades we dropped off and installed at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh this week.
2. Reader Kathleen is running the Pittsburgh 1/2 Marathon for Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund.
If you’re looking for a charitable place to spread some good karma today, go throw in a few dollars for her? She only needs about $240 more to reach her goal!
For sick kids!
3. The Bucs are in second place. Half game out of first. They’ve won 12 of their last 16, I think. The best team in baseball, Atlanta, has only lost 6 games all season, and three of those were to the Pirates.
I’M JUST SAYING.
4. Did you know you can buy Yinzer Bingo at Wildcard and another store that sells them, but I lost the name? There’s a K in the name? Anyone? Anyone? Zober?
These are created by John the Craftist, who is actually a woman. Look at some of the other amazing stuff she creates, many of which are greeting cards:
I’m kind of in love with all of this and I wonder if there’s a Gemini one that says, “Witty. Passionate. Batshit Crazy.”
Anyway, I’ll be in Wildcard very soon to buy all the things.
5. Pigeons are assholes. And they smoke too. Look at this news photo from a 1989 edition of the Post-Gazette.
Click to embiggen and then read the caption.
Unreal. If today’s pigeons get wind of this, it is going to RAIN FIRE.
6. If you’re around Market Square next Friday morning …
Light of Life Rescue Mission is presenting former MLB player Sean Casey with the 3rd annual Locker Room Leadership Award at 9:30 a.m. Sean is a former all-star baseball player for the Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Boston Red Sox, and Cleveland Indians. Dennis Bowman will emcee, introducing former Steelers Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley who will present Sean with the award.
I’ll be there hanging out for sure. Sean does amazing things for the homeless via Light of Life.
7. This is old, but shut up.
Suck it, Portland.
Also, people are STILL commenting on my pharmacy rant. My God.
That sounds right.
10. Pretty sure the P-G is going to endorse Wagner after reading this article. Why? Just scroll down and read the comment left by Matt Barron. The P-G very conveniently left out some HUGE names that endorsed Bill Peduto yesterday.
11. Headline: “Penguins Drop Second Straight.”
Seriously. Two losses in a row. NBD.
12. The fountain is almost ready to go!
Here’s an image from today via Point Park TV’s twitter account:
Cannot wait until I can take my kids for a stroll around the fountain again.
Also unreal? That WTAE used FOUR anchors to intro it. Hah!
But seriously … amazing video.
14. Mother’s Day!
Our conversations about the latest episode of “Greatest American Hero” turned to hushed whispers. There was no whining about elbows in ribs or bothersome jelly-shoe blisters. While we painfully swallowed our sneezes, our mom drove with her chin hovering 3 inches above the steering wheel and her hands locked in a death-grip. She’d hold this position until the wagon was safely parked — which is when she’d exhale and revoke the sacred Writ of Silentium Absolutus.
I didn’t appreciate it then, but I can see it now for what it was: My mother was doing something far outside of her comfort zone so that her girls could have nice clothes (that didn’t scream, “Five kids. One job. Hills is where the toys are.”).
And I also put together a Burghy Mother’s Day gift guide for you. Everything from Burgh-made jewelry, to an awesome Pirates iPhone case, to BYOB painting classes where Mom can paint her own Pittsburgh skyline, and LOTS more.
I mean, the Confluence necklace pictured up top of this post? Holy moly.
15. Finally, your amazing tweets:
this commercial says we start losing muscle at age 40. haha joke’s on you I never had any muscle
— James Foreman (@jamesforeman) April 25, 2013
*achoo* <<pause>> Oh god. #thingsyoudontwanttohear
— Terra McBride (@spicymeatball) April 25, 2013
BRB buying like 100 cars from Debbie Flaherty
— Jim Shireman (@shireman) April 25, 2013
Pittsburgh Poetry! vine.co/v/bPpK0tYUr2u
— Pittsburgh Dad (@Pittsburgh_Dad) April 24, 2013
if I die in my sleep, that last show I’ve watched was Ready for Love, so
— Jordan Valinsky (@jordan327) April 24, 2013
Welcome to Pittsburgh, where (evidently) any vehicle making a left turn has the right of way!
— Steve Norcup (@snorcup) April 23, 2013
Have to submit a reimbursement request on this form created entirely with comic sans. Perhaps the check will be signed by the Animaniacs.
— Tim Hindes (@thindes) April 20, 2013
Flash Bang: a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform unusual sex acts for a brief time, then quickly disperse.
— Bill Crawford (@dveBillCrawford) April 20, 2013
Speculation is the new news.
— mindbling (@mindbling) April 19, 2013
(Chef at Light of Life Rescue Mission holding donated forks)
1. Oh. My. God.
Who would have thought one little Giant Eagle pharmacy rant would result in the madness it did and in the criticism toward me that it did?
You’ve got to go read the comments; you’d think I wrote a post about how we should kill all the puppies.
Oh, and I didn’t even include the part about how that was the second time that day I had tried to pick up that prescription, as they claimed the first time that they didn’t have it and they sent me away.
Anyway, KILL ALL THE PUPPIES. AND THE EAGLES WHILE WE’RE AT IT.
2. Speaking of birds, the Aviary hatched a new owl chick, and when I think baby owls I think this:
I was wrong, though, because theirs is a baby EAGLE owl.
I looked into its eyes for ten seconds and I can tell you in no uncertain terms …
… that thing wants to kill me.
Why are birds so evil?
3. The first mayoral TV-spot is out and it is Bill Peduto’s and I kind of love it. Well done.
4. Speaking of mayoral candidates, Jake Wheatley’s entire campaign site doesn’t have a single picture of him on it. Not even the “About Jake” page.
And AJ Richardson not only has a DUI, a prior arrest, face tattoos, and the penchant for referring to himself in the third person,but his website has autoplay.
When are these mayoral candidates going to ask my advice about fixing their shit? I mean, what does “skillful in morality” even mean?
Lukey would have been mayor for life if he would have brought me on board years ago to run the Office of Church.
5. Ay caramba, Penn Avenue Fish Company.
(h/t Woozle on Twitter)
6. The PensBlog boys have a gif of Sidney Crosby not blinking for 15 straight seconds during last night’s game.
You know who else does that?
7. Hadouken fights are the best Internet thing since the Rickroll, and this one from the Scarehouse made me pee a little it’s so awesome:
You gotta see the whole set from the “fight.” So perfect.
I hate that zombie. And that bunny. They look harmless until you’re standing in a scary room in the dark and their noses are three millimeters from your neck, and you hear them inhale. [shudder]
8. Does hadouken really work?
I hope so.
Because I’m going to try it on the pigeons in Market Square.
[awkward kung fu moves] [HADOUKEN!]
9. Jamie and Ali McMutrie have HUGE news in that they won the prestigious Norman Borlaug Humanitarian Award!
They were flown to Las Vegas to accept the award in front of a crowd of 4,000. They’re having a free reception to celebrate on April 18 in East Liberty. They’ll be giving away Pens playoff tickets there too!
10. If you’re looking for an easy way to give back to the community, I have it for you. The Light of Life Rescue Mission on the North Side is in need of forks for their meal services to the homeless. That’s it!
Not plasticware, as they like to reuse, but any old, mismatched forks you might have around the house can be dropped off at the mission on the North Side. I did it and it takes five seconds to hand them over at the front desk.
11. Pittsburgh is the new Hollywood, as a new A&E series will be both set here, and filmed here.
But the device attached to the man’s body wasn’t a bomb at all. He took road flares and taped them to his chest. He then stuck an iPod earbud up his nose and ran the cord down to the flares.
Can you just picture this idiot coming up with this plan? Taping the flares to his chest, looking at himself in the mirror all, “How can I make this look even MORE realistic? iPOD EARBUD UP THE NOSE, GENIUS!”
13. Finally, some awesome Pittsburgh tweets:
Newest douchey work term: “Searchandising”.
— Pat Stack (@pat_stack) April 9, 2013
The bad news for Pittsburghers, is that the Penguin game ended just in time for the start of the Pirate game.
— patrick muldowney (@patmuldowney) April 10, 2013
Thatcher’s middle name Hilda was not her birth name; she absorbed it from the first of many vampires she killed as a teenager.
— Stephen Harkleroad (@americancrank) April 8, 2013
The clothes cyclists wear, that’s a joke right?
— Jordan W(@JordanWads) April 6, 2013
Just ran into the “hot” substitute teacher from high school. I told her it was my 40th birthday & she literally cried.
— Topher Berg (@pantster) April 5, 2013
Ray shero looks at the Nhl player list like he’s going through baseball cards. ” Need it, Need it, need it, Got It, need it, got it.”
— It’sa Me, Chachio! (@chachisays) April 3, 2013
I call places to get put on hold. Where else do you hear Beethoven? #Culture
— Flick (@FlickFM) April 11, 2013
The 17 year cicada’s are gonna come back this year and be like, “The Pirates still haven’t had a fucking winning season?”
— RandyBaumann WDVE (@DVERandy) April 11, 2013