Category Archives: Mayor Ravenstahl

Then the porkers took flight.

geicoplane

Yesterday was … weird.

I’ve been busting my adorable jiggly ass to get this $10,000 raised for the kids at Children’s Hospital, so I’m constantly tweeting and Facebooking and social-media-ing like a 15-year-old Belieber.

Also, the word Belieber makes me want to kill things.

Hide your pigeons, Mike Tyson.

Anyway, you know that instead of writing “Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?” for years now I’ve written, “Anyone? Anyone? Zober?” because I like to pick on the Dread Lord Zober because I do not fear his mystical powers of darkness and destruction. Much.

So last night, this happened.

And I was flabbergasted. The Dread Lord … giving his cash to the sick kids.

But would Lukey follow suit?

Brace yourselves:

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I died so hard I couldn’t even capitalize the i in “i just died.”

Either we’ve stumbled into some weird alternate universe, or this snow really is making everyone batshit crazy.

The Dread Lord, the wizard of doom, donated. Luke Ravenstahl, my sworn enemy — the Joker to my Batman, the Swiper to my Dora, the Newman to my Seinfeld, is donating. At this point, I wouldn’t  be surprised if a pigeon tried to Paypal me some stale french fries or something.

Maybe you too want to throw a few bucks into the pot so we can give these suffering kids a bit of fun and diversion to help along their healing process?

Click the “Donate” button to donate directly into the Mario Lemieux Foundation account. Every little bit helps!

I love you guys.

 





Long overdue Random n’at

russellcrowe

1. [taps microphone] Is this thing on?

Whew! It’s been a hell of a January. I mean, it was New Year’s Eve, I blinked at midnight and BOOM. January 17.

I’m still here. Still writing. Still wishing Portland to suck it.

Lots to cover, so get your clicky finger ready.

2. Russell Crowe is reportedly returning to the Burgh to film a new movie. As you recall, when Mr. Crowe last filmed in Pittsburgh, he loved it so much he would take miles and miles of bike rides through the city.

Stalk-o-meter calibrated to “Stun and Throw Your Body In Front of His Bike Forcing Him to Render Aid Unto You While Speaking With an Adorable Aussie Accent.”

Amanda Seyfried and Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul will co-star.

I’ve never seen a single episode of Breaking Bad and it’s very rude how judgy you’re looking at me right now.

3. Fourteen minutes of goalies flipping out. 

Hee. Apparently these guys missed the first part of the “carry a big stick” saying.

4. David Conrad. Still loves Pittsburgh. 

“I love how sweet my homeland is. Sweet eyes. Sweet beer. Sweet hills and valleys stuffed with trees. Walking out of the airport and into a summer night, breathing in the green, sodden air for the first time in months…it’s practically pornographic. I want to drink it, lap it. I want it on me.  I love her, love her Pittsburgh.”

5. National Geographic Traveller. Still loves Pittsburgh.

(h/t PopCity)

6. Speaking of dinosaurs, did I tell you that I finally met my self-united husband Matt Lamanna? He is awesome, adorable, smart, and we are best friends forever.

I’ll be writing that story up for the magazine soon. It’s a good one.

7. Bill Cowher claimed to 93.7 The Fan that all NFL coaches try to steal signals, not just Bill Belichick, who he says simply got overly arrogant by filming it.

Colin Dunlap has feels about this.

8. Is this the best episode of Pittsburgh Dad ever?

Joe DeNardo gets the Chuck Norris treatment. Genius.

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9. Thanks to Fukuda (NOT pronounced “f–k you da”) for finding these sweatshirts at Walgreens.

sweatshirt

Gotta love that at no point from design to production to delivery to store stocking did anyone notice that independent was misspelled.

Also, someone oughta tell the sweatshirt designer that that bell is in Philadelphia, not Pittsburgh.

[golf clap]

10.  Luke Ravenstahl, NOT “Taking Care of Business” anymore.

Mr. Peduto said his name will not be “printed, painted or engraved on any long-term city property.”

“City property should not be used to campaign for political office,” he said in a statement issued with the order on Thursday. “The City’s physical assets are owned by the taxpayers. Under my administration, these assets will be marked only with basic identifying information and the City seal.”

You guys. We MAY actually have a real mayor.

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Somewhere, Luke Ravenstahl wakes up:

lukeycrying





Mayor Luke’s last visit to the Office of That’s Church?

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Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl enters, spies the Secretary packing up her office into boxes.

“Her office” = donuts. “Boxes” = her mouth.

Mayor Luke: [sighs]

PittGirl: “Pick your shoulders up, Champ. There is a very very good chance this is the last time you’ll ever visit my office.”

Mayor: [eyes brighten] “Really?!”

PG: “Really! But before we hopefully say goodbye to the Office of That’s Church — the office of truth, of snark, of ‘telling it like it is no matter what,’ we need to discuss how INCREDIBLY, EPICALLY, MONSTROUSLY STUPID YOU ARE ON TWITTER.”

Luke: “I hate you.”

PG: “I bet you do! Have a seat.”

Luke: “Have we met?”

PG: “Fine. Stand.”

Luke: ”I will.”

PG: “Do you know that I used to hate your politician-speak? That weird ‘myself and others like myself’ vernacular you used to spout like a robot? I used to call it Politicobot 2000 or something like that. I hated it. You took 30 words to say something that could have been communicated in five words. I thought if we stripped away that important-sounding facade, we’d find you normal. Dare I say, likable. A regular Pittsburgh guy just trying his best to do the job he was, in some ways, thrust into.  Are you seriously giggling because I just said ‘thrust?’”

Luke: “Shut up.”

PG: “I will not. So now your political aspirations have been snuffed out like a candle in the wind, Elton, and along with those aspirations went your Robot Politician Facade, and guess what was behind that facade? Guess. Go ahead. I’m telling you to guess. Say words.”

Luke: “What’s a fac–?”

PG: “BZZZZZ! Time’s up! What we have found behind the facade is what some suspected all along — a weird fratboy/meangirl hybrid with the grammar of a first grader and an addiction to useless hashtags.”

Luke: “Oh! Fratmeangirlboy!”

PG: [headdesk] “I hate you.”

Luke: “I bet you do!”

PG: “So you took to Twitter to publicly whine that a city police officer uses his off-duty time to ref NCAA basketball games and the media doesn’t care, but they bug you mercilessly about your schedule. You, in your holy righteous indignation, salivated as you thought you were about to make the media feel so so foolish. You linked to a schedule of his games and wrote. ‘Imagine if I was out of town this much!’ You hashtagged it with #justsayin — which, that alone is enough to make my bitchslapping hand feel kinda itchy, Luke. You manufactured this controversy mere DAYS after tweeting about how terrible it was that the media manufactures controversy. You also missed an important thing: that if city police officers are doing things you feel they shouldn’t on their off-time, YOU AS THE MAYOR SHOULD HANDLE THAT. THE FINAL BLAME FOR THAT SHOULD REST ON YOUR SHOULDERS. The irony of this is just about killing me, Lukey — like an anvil is going to fall on my head at any moment.”

Luke: [looks up hopefully]

PG: “What are you? Right at this moment. What are you?”

Luke: “A fratmeangirlboy!”

PG: “Lieutenant Scirotto is a police officer. YOU ARE THE MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY. This is beyond apples and oranges. This is bikes and pumpkins. The Pope and Kim Kardashian. POOP AND DIAMONDS. You’re trying to compare how much the media cares about a cop versus how much the media cares about the mayor. It’s LAUGHABLE. The media doesn’t really care where Lieutenant Scirotto is during his off time because he’s a police officer. However, the MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY answers to we the people. His schedule should be public. He should show up. He should lead. He should be as transparent as air. He should work so hard he ages before our very eyes. He should not, at any point in time, giggle at the word thrust.”

Luke: [giggles]

PG: ”I hate you.”

Luke: ”I hate you to infinity no backsies.”

PG: [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk]

Luke: ”Are we done?”

PG: ”No. I’m going to need you to hand over any hashtags you have on your person.”

Luke: ”Even #7yearsofsuccesses?!”

PG: ”ESPECIALLY #7yearsofsuccesses.”

Luke: “Fine. But I’m keeping #noclue.”

PG: “Knock yourself out.”

Luke: “Now are we done?”

PG: “My God, I hope so.”

Luke: “Bye. #itsbeenreal.” [turns to walk away]

PG: [rises, runs, tackles Lukey to the ground and rips the hashtag from his hands]

Fin.

lukesteel





End of the Ravenstahl Era

I was going to write this post for my blog at Pittsburgh Magazine, but I feel like at some point I’m going to want to be all “choke a bitch” or “shit a brick” or “[BEWBS]” or something, so I’ll just leave this here instead.

With a slightly lower voter turnout than in 2009 when 45,416 votes were cast in the Democratic Primary, last night Bill Peduto won his party’s nomination and if history is any indicator — and right now History is all, “Bitch, have you met me? I am the BIGGEST indicator.” — then Bill Peduto is the next mayor of Pittsburgh.

Lukey’s arch-nemesis.  The man against which Lukey spent God-knows-how-many dollars to destroy.

Right now Lukey is sitting next to the brick he shit last night and is writing some super depressing rap rhymes that contain rhyming pairs like “dude/rude” and “haters/gators” and “mud/crud.” Lukey is TERRIBLE at writing raps.

Wagner was Lukey’s Chosen One.

You know this because he bankrolled anti-Peduto ads and left some super fierce [snap snap] Facebook comments about “haters” and “He said duty. Heh.” I might be misremembering that second one. [shrug]

And you can be sure this is how he looked as he watched the results last night:

hopeful

wut

freakout

shit

mad

Wagner picked up Lukey’s supporters and that included the police and firefighters unions and I don’t need to tell you this, but they aren’t happy with the results.

Alluding to Mr. Peduto’s support for the state supervision that curbs the bargaining leverage of city unions, Mike LaPorte, the president of the Fraternal Order of Police said the new nominee “treats the city workers like garbage.”

“I’m thinking about retiring,” he added.

Let me translate:

ballhome

(source)

Super mature.

[golf clap]

Regardless, this is the first day of the beginning of the end of the Ravenstahl era. I once had really high hopes for Luke, and now I’ll transfer those high hopes to Bill Peduto, just as I would have done if Jack Wagner had won.

You can be against Peduto, but you can’t be against Pittsburgh; so let’s hope for the best and see where this new road leads us.

Hopefully we won’t find ourselves suffering with typhoid and cholera, fording a rapidly rising Mon while riding a three-wheeled wagon being pulled by dysentery-riddled oxen.

Amen.





Act 12. Scene 5.

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 (Photo credit: Michael Henninger of the Post-Gazette)

Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.

Mayor Luke: [walks in. Sees me sitting there. Turns to leave.]

Me: WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?

Mayor Luke: I –

Me: Did you seriously, after I strongly advised against it, go back to Facebook to leave another comment on a Post-Gazette article? Again sounding like a whining 14-year-old? Again not using proper spelling, punctuation, or grammar?

Luke: I–

Me: And did you use the word haters?!

Luke: I–

Me: And did you put the word haters inside of unnecessary quotation marks?

Luke: But–

Me: Did you actually graduate college?

Luke: You–

Me: Is proofreading your kryptonite?

Luke: I–

Me: Are you really this out of f–ks?

Luke: You–

Me: Did you never learn the difference between its and it’s?

Luke: I–

Me: Do you not realize that when reporters ask you if you’re bankrolling anti-Peduto commercials and you don’t respond to them, that when you are finally confirmed as the funder, you don’t get to self-righteously claim that you never tried to hide anything? WHEN YOU ARE THE MAYOR, NOT ANSWERING REPORTERS IS HIDING SOMETHING, STINKBRAIN.

Luke: But–

Me: You are still the mayor, you understand that?

Luke: I–

Me: You’re still collecting a paycheck, are you not?

Luke: Well–

Me: THEN YOU HAVE TO WORK. You have to show up. You have to be visible. You, Mayor Luke, HAVE. TO. BE. MAYOR UNTIL THERE IS A NEW MAYOR. You don’t get to say, “I quit, but not like quit quit, because I love my paycheck. So just … you do you and I’ll do me. Holla.”

Luke: But–

Me: No. There is no but. YOU HAVE TO BE THE MAYOR. You still have to answer reporters’ questions. You are still accountable.

Luke: You–

Me: You do realize, do you not, that you are, at this point in time, political poison? Hemlock. Publicly backing Wagner is not going to help Wagner. It’s going to make people say to themselves, “Do I really want a mayor who Luke Ravenstahl supports?” You should have stayed out of it, if you really want Wagner to win.  You should have stayed off Facebook, but you didn’t. And you’ve buried six feet deep any semblance of maturity you ever had.

Luke: I–

Me: I know. You deleted it. But Luke, like stupidity, the Internet is forever.

Luke: But–

Me: FOR. EVER.

Luke: I–

Me: You messed up. Stay off of Facebook. Go to work. Be our mayor. Work on UPMC. Back Wagner quietly lest you poison him. And again, please, I can’t say this enough: stay off of Facebook. Don’t “like.” Don’t “share.” And don’t, for the love of God, “poke.” Take the high road. Act older than 14. Don’t call the P-G a “rag.” Don’t ask them how they publish their paper with a “straight face.” When you’re no longer the mayor, go nuts. Go total batshit Amanda Bynes bonkers. But for now, just be the mayor.

Luke: You–

Me: You know I’m right. Or you wouldn’t have deleted it.

Luke: I’m leaving.

Me: There’s the door.

Luke: [walks away]

Me: Oh, and Luke?

Luke: [turns] What?

Me: ELLIPSES ARE NOT PERIODS.

Luke: [storms off]

Me: Don’t be a hater, baby! That’s just church!

Fin.