1. My sister Pens Fan, and even the doctor’s wife Princess Aurora, and actually, also Ta-Ta the Grand Poobah, we are the thrifty sistahs in the family.

Tina Fey is not. She will comment to this post that she is indeed thrifty, but there is a giant $700 Banzai slide in her yard that would tell a different story.

I’m not nearly as thrifty as my father, but I definitely have my moments as a coupon-clipping, bargain-hunting master.

I will spend money when things deserve my money. That includes splurging for Cotija cheese even though Giant Eagle charges $10 for a tiny chunk of it. That includes butt-slimming jeans. That includes a $10 spicy drink at Embury in the Strip (although on Saturday, Jonathan Wander treated me.) That includes $21 eye-liner that won’t run. That includes just about anything at IKEA.

And there are certain things that I refuse to spend a lot of money on. $1.50 avocados and $.85 limes make me want to choke a bitch.  Another thing that I refuse to spend a lot of money on? Laundry detergent.

Who the hell does Tide think it is charging as much as they do for soap? Are there gold crystals in Tide now?

I don’t need super-duper, extra-long-lasting fresh-linen and happy sunshine-scented, extra-concentrated, Downy-laced, Febreeze-infused laundry detergent. I just need soap to clean my clothes.

So when I saw this post over at Tall Tales from a Small Town, I was all, “A-HA!”

So I’m going to stick it to the man and try this myself. I already snagged the Fels Naptha bar and the Borax at Giant Eagle and this afternoon I’m heading to Ace Hardware for the Super Washing Powder.

I’ll let you know how it works, but all the reviews I’ve found online are that this stuff works just as good as the super-duper, extra-long-lasting fresh-linen and happy sunshine scented, extra-concentrated … you get the picture. And it costs mere cents per load.

Suck it, Tide.

2. Secret Agent L, whose identity I’ve known since last November (I am a vault), revealed herself on Saturday to be Laura from With Love From Pittsburgh, and the model from my $3,000 Worth of Fug post. She is also the Most High Priestess of Stickers, as well as the Eyetique girl! When does she sleep?

Also, when Laura was introduced, she expertly and confidently sauntered down the middle of the Firehouse lounge, to music, through a sea of people watching her, and I was all, “You know, add a pigeon or two and that would be my hell.”

She is a brave girl.

3. This is a part of a fantastic email I received today by reader Sam, in response to my Burgher Kings and Queens article in the mag:

I suggest that Iron City Beer no longer be deemed a “Pittsburgh” beer, given that it is brewed in Latrobe. (A more than adequate replacement for Rolling Rock, if you ask me.) And nor may Kennywood Park be called a “Pittsburgh” amusement park, as it is in West Mifflin. And Pittsburgh International Airport, yes, should rebrand itself. Truth in advertising. You know.

In addition, all that steel that was produced during the 1800s and 1900s shall no longer be considered “Pittsburgh” steel, as much of it wouldn’t have been possible without the entrepreneurialism of H.C. Frick, founder of H.C. Frick Coal & Coke Co. Frick was a native of the Connellsville, Fayette County area and much of the coal he mined came from mines in Westmoreland and Fayette counties.

Moreover, Pittsburghers also may no longer lay claim to the following: Fred Rogers (Latrobe, and we want his statue returned forthwith), Joe Namath (Beaver Falls, Beaver County), Joe Montana (New Eagle, Washington County), Michael Keaton (Coraopolis), Perry Como (Canonsburg, Washington County, but Pittsburghers may keep his statue and the always-on loop recording of his music, too), Dave Wannstedt (Baldwin, and with family ties to Westmoreland County), and Mike Ditka (Carnegie). And lastly, if the Steelers even so much as think about wind sprinting across the county line at the end of this week, the Rooneys shall be deemed to have forfeited all rights and ownership, whereupon Westmoreland County shall retain the authority to seize and dispose of said assets.

Oh, BRAVO!

4. If you’ve ever been to a Pittsburgh roller derby bout (actually, not Pittsburgh; they have their bouts in the Romp n’ Roll in Glenshaw, so really, how dare they call themselves the Steel City Derby Demons?) and want to buy a gift for the derby girls, here’s your chance. Go see what a three or ten dollar donation would buy for the team.

Here’s the info on their last home bout of the season!

(h/t Mel)

5. Pittsburgh is now on Facebook. Love that the email from Lukey’s Joanna, in which she talks about how Pittsburgh is embracing social media, includes no link to the facebook page or even just the URL (http://www.facebook.com/city.of.pittsburgh) and instead says:

Search City of Pittsburgh – we are identified as a government organization. We have a picture of the City with a banner which includes a City seal.

BRB. Going to create a new facebook page called “City of Pgh” with a profile picture of the city with a banner which includes a city seal. Just to confuse the hell out of people.

P.S. I AM JUST KIDDING. STOP WRITING THE NASTY COMMENT YOU ARE WRITING.

(h/t Charles)

6. Since I posted that Kings of Leon post? Twenty-two more emails, tweets and facebook messages/wall posts telling me about it.

I can’t win!

7. This Pennsylvania Guys parody of Katy Perry’s California Gurls song is priceless:

Click here to view the embedded video.

But they mention Iron City as a Pittsburgh beer. That’s not right.

It’s a LATROBE beer.

(h/t Charles)

8. Troy Polamalu is on twitter now.

Can’t wait for his first DM fail all, “And then I was all, ‘LOL. ALL YOU BITCHES TAKE MY SHOTS.’”

I kid.

A DM fail from Troysus would probably be more, “I can’t make it. I’m praying for the next three hours and then I have church and then I have some sick kids to visit.”

9. I went to Giant Eagle yesterday (for the Fels Naptha and Borax) after having spent the day cleaning Las Velas, then dinner at Hard Rock, then a trip up and down the incline. By the time I hit the Iggle at 7:30 p.m. my hair was all EEK, my face was all EFF, and my clothes were all GAG. So of course the person behind me in line was a reader who happened to recognize me.

Sexy. I has it.

10. It has been forever, but, Burghers, DRINK!

From the Mayor’s office:

Andrew McCutchen and the Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they have partnered with Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, the City of Pittsburgh and the Student Conservation Association to compete for the opportunity to receive a $200,000 grant from Pepsi that will move the community forward as part of the Pepsi Refresh Project.

Thanks, Joanna!

Oh, and I missed this one from June 15!

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that the City and developers have closed the public-private financing package necessary to secure Target’s final commitment to move forward with their store which will border Penn Ave.,

I think Joanna might have a crush on me.

Or she’s hoping I’ll drink myself into a stupor and shut the hell up.

If it’s the former, if she really loves me, she’ll work the Jackpot Phrase into a press release — “Looking forward to moving forward.”

I could pickle my liver.

I was dead serious. I hadn’t looked at a hit counter in well over a year and there is a wonderful, wonderful freedom in writing and not having a single clue about how many people are reading. I mean that.

But today, for some reason, I got curious and I hunted down an email Woy sent me after that post all, “You know, you CAN check your stats and this is how …”

And of course, I made a beeline to the search stats because I love to see what people are Googling before they land on my blog.

Some of the best ones:

Luke Ravenstahl Mayor of Pittsburgh Missing. Do we need an Amber Alert? A code Adam? FIND OUR LOST BOY.

Marty Griffin is an idiot. No comment.

Jennifer Antkowiak weight. Geez. First of all, RUDE. Second of all, she’s a mother of five. Give her a break.

That thing is running like a penguin. BUSTED! Hee. They remembered it EXACTLY.  Awesome.

PittGirl deaf. What?

Julie Bologna bikini. Hawt.

How much snow did Pittsburgh get. Too effing much.

Anthrocon litter box. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

Meet and f–k furries. I REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

Animated lions and cheetahs having hardcore orgies. I am never writing about the furries again.

Here’s my nipples. No thank you.

Boil oozing a good thing. I don’t think so. Might want to have a doctor look at that.

Maggot in my toe. Seriously. YOU NEED A DOCTOR.

Oozing puss on cat back. Okay. Now you need a vet or an exorcist.

Do chickens say bawk or bock? I guess you need to ask a chicken that question.

Scott Blasey – How tall is this fine man? Had to be a drunk Google, because a sober Google would have been “Scott Blasey tall.”

Video of watching poop come out of a butt. W.T.F?

Hot Zober sex. MY MIND’S EYE! MY MIND’S EYE! IT BURNS!

So what did we learn today? We learned that chickens can have accents, that it might be a good thing if that boil on your butt starts to leak, that Scott Blasey is fine and tall, that the Furries might be weird, and that above all else, we NEVER want Yarone Zober to make a sex tape.

Good morning, Burghers!

It’s a sunny beautiful morning here in Pittsburgh, and I awoke to read the news when I read something so ludicrous/hilarious I said, “Self, you must share this today so that all of Pittsburgh can [headdesk] along with you and that way your forehead bruise will blend in nicely with theirs.”

Remember how Lukey nominated his brother Adam to the ALCOSAN board and I was all, “YOU GIANT IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

‘Member that?

Aside: The next time I’m lamenting how everyone on Grant Street hates me, please remind me of this post where I just kinda called the Mayor a “giant idiot,” ‘kay? Thanks.

Upon learning of the nomination of Adam “Needs a Nickname” Ravenstahl, both Bill Peduto and his BFF SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G Doug Shields sent letters to separate panels asking for an ethics opinion on such a nepotistic nomination.

I just used the word nepotistic in a post. I feel smart. Somebody get me a jumbled up Rubik’s Cube.

Doug Shields went to the State Ethics Commission and Bill Peduto went to the City Ethics Board, and both were told they needed to file a formal complaint, and they haven’t. Bummer. Provided nothing changes on the ethics complaint side, the nomination moves forward (!).

Now, in order for City Council to interview Adam Ravenstahl for the post, they needed a resume and Bram has a copy of what was forwarded on as his “resume.”

I’m going to give Adam and Luke the benefit of the doubt, because as a former non-profit employee, when asked for my boss’s “resume,” I often provided a copy of his bio instead. So I’m going to just assume that the genius who typed the cover memo meant “bio” where she/he typed “resume.”

I’m going to assume that this is not ALL there is to Adam Ravenstahl. That there is some super duper awesome detailed bio up his shirtsleeve and he’s just waiting for the BOOYAH! moment to unveil it.

I’m going to assume that Adam Ravenstahl does have an actual resume somewhere that contains an objective, a chronological listing of his pertinent job history, a listing of his skills, a snapshot of his volunteer activities, no mention whatsoever of his FATHER OR GRANDFATHER, and a look at the boards he has previously served on in his 25-year lifetime.

I’m going to assume that Lukey knows that he can’t possibly expect us to believe that Adam is the most qualified candidate for this position, as Lukey has claimed, if THIS is his actual resume.

I’m going to assume Adam Ravenstahl sits on some boards and he knows how board meetings operate, otherwise he’s going to attend his first meeting of ALCOSAN and someone’s going to say, “Can I get a second?” and Adam Ravenstahl is going to say, “Hell, yeah. Take a whole minute.”

I’m going to assume there’s more. I have to.

If, however, I am wrong, and no such full bio or professional resume exists or is currently being hastily written by Joanna Doven, using words like “facilitated,” “developed,” and “transformintuitiated,” then we are screwed and the only thing left to do is figure out which one is Tweedledee and which one is Tweedledum.

[headdesk]

Amy truly wanted both sides to be heard, and that’s what’s going to happen. The meeting will be facilitated by the Regent Square Civics Association and the Parks Conservancy will present on behalf of Amy.

2. The Freedom post office will be renamed The John Scott Challis Jr. Post Office in tribute to John Challis, the teen who died after a truly courageous cancer battle almost two years ago.

Huge high five to Rep. Jason Altmire for making that happen by having the bill co-sponsored by all the PA delegates before President Obama signed it into law.

3.  Boy, you’d think those Microsoft folks would just go away already, but NOOOO. They gotta keep giving, this time to the tune of an extra XBOX and Guitar Hero III with a wireless guitar, already delivered to the hospital for Make Room for Kids.

Awesomeness.

Mike and I will be getting busy with the other purchases very soon and will keep you updated.

4.  PNC Park was named the 10th best baseball park by Fox Sports stating:

The last game I attended, you know, the one we lost 20-0? I got to high-five the yellow pierogi.

Good to have that crossed off my bucket list.

Next on the list: Kick Steely McBeam in the junk.

(h/t Sue)

5.  On June 10, write your own “giant sucking sound” joke.

(h/t Charles)

6. A local pastor shows off his rap skills for a sermon, no less.

I’m told this is the pastor from Grace church in Cranberry and according to YouTube, it was produced for the final sermon in a series about parenting.

Click here to view the embedded video.

(h/t Erica)

7.  Summer means heading outdoors in the Pittsburgh region, because, yo, Walls Are Bad.

You no longer have an excuse for not knowing what awesome things there are to do outdoors in the Burgh.

8. Up from 20th in 2007 and 4th last year, Pittsburgh has been ranked the country’s top philanthropic city in the United States, according to Charity Navigator.

This is a big deal! Group hug!

9.  Super fantastic giveaway coming up on the blog later today. Hints: Mansion. Mt. Washington. Jeans. Charity. Dancing. Jewels. FUN!

So excited for this giveaway!

10. Lukey sent an email to the college graduates in Pittsburgh asking them to stick around and live and work in the city after graduation, and surprisingly he did not begin the email with, “Dear Graduates, Let’s just pretend that little Tuition Tax thing never happened. Let’s move forward from it, if you will.”

(h/t Brian)

11. I can’t decide which new fake account I like the most on twitter: FakeTomlin or FakeJulie.

That’s like trying to pick a favorite between CryBaby Gumballs and Sour Warheads. NOT POSSIBLE!

12. If you missed it, my post over at Pittsburgh Magazine about my horrible eating habits.  Sneak peak: Count Chocula.

Also, please ignore the part where I get bitchy in the comments. Sometimes, bitchy just wins.

Maybe THAT’S what I’ll have put on my gravestone.

LUKEY!

What is up? How are you? How’s Westwood? Things popping over there in your new digs?

DON’T MIND-ERASE ME! Everyone already knows you live there. Chill.

Lukey, can we talk about my blog here for a second? Here on this here That’s Church blog, I have giveaways on occasion. I’ve given away tickets, and t-shirts, and gift cards and other awesome stuff and every time I have a giveaway, my sisters Pens Fan and Princess Aurora (OMG, she HATES that nickname. I’ll never change it ever, Princess.) email me all, “I want! Can I? Please? All aboard the gravy train?”

And Lukey, even though they might only have a 1 in 400 chance of winning tickets to a party or a 1 in 1,200 chance of winning the tickets to the Steelers game, do you know what I say to them? I say, “Step off, bitches.”

Because I don’t want to have ANY appearance of impropriety. I don’t want my readers thinking I’m showing favoritism or rigging a contest so that my family can win it.  Hell, I don’t even let my former (?) BUTLER Mike enter to win contests on my blog. I just don’t want anyone to ever look at me and have a question in the back of his/her head about my ethics, you know?

And it’s just a blog.

A silly little slice of Internet frivolity.

And then there’s you. The Mayor of a major metropolitan city. Appointing your FREAKING BROTHER TO THE ALCOSAN BOARD.

Really?

I mean, Lukey, REALLY? Can you honestly tell me that you searched high and low for the perfect person to name to that board and it just so happened that the perfect, most qualified person is your 25-YEAR-OLD BROTHER?

Know what you should have done, Lukey? You should have searched high and low. Really searched. With the interests of the board at heart, and if after you searched high and low, you really by some weird coincidence did land on the name Adam Ravenstahl as the perfect candidate, you should have kept looking.

In a city whose politics haven’t always been the most ethical, you are thumbing your nose at the people and voters who already have serious doubts about you and the hints of good ole’ boy politics wafting out of your office. You can’t be that arrogant, can you, that you don’t think people are going to care about this?

People are going to care! It looks bad! It’s a dumb decision! I don’t care that it’s unpaid. I don’t care if you really think he deserves it. I don’t care if your brother is the Dalai Freaking Lama. This should be your mantra: Unless my brother is VOTED into a position by the constituents, do not appoint him. To anything.

That’s it. Let THE PEOPLE choose your relatives if they so desire.  Don’t go appointing him to anything, because again, it just looks bad.  I can’t believe you don’t have people telling you this, saying, “Mr. Mayor, with all due respect, this will create lots of problems in your efforts to run a transparent and ethical office. I strongly recommend we find another candidate to nominate.”

Don’t you have those people, Lukey? Isn’t that what The Dread Lord is paid to do? To have the balls to get in your face and “strongly advise you?”

And please, don’t think I enjoy this. I truly and honestly don’t. I can’t tell you how much I wish you would just see the proverbial light and wake up to a morning where you make the choice to stop doing things like this. I wish you would wise up. I wish you would hire better people. I honestly wish we could be friends who share a mutual love for Pittsburgh, because you and I, we could be a force.

[sigh]

Long letter short: pull this nomination. It reeks of nepotism and it’s not doing your brother’s reputation any favors. Or yours.

Yours,

Me.