Category Archives: Mike Tomlin

Random n’at

PittGirl Pirates

1. The other night, while listening to my son read his book-report book aloud (if I don’t make him read it aloud, he’ll skip chunks of pages at a time on account of laziness), he got to a part where one kid calls another kid a jackass. The look of pure joy on his face as he, without getting yelled at, uttered the word jackass three times … well, that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

I’m kidding, Dad. I know what the true meaning of Christmas is.

PRESENTS! DIAMONDS! CASH DOLLAH BILLZ! [makes it rain on the strippers]

And my phone will be ringing in three, two–

2. The winner of the Yinzer Gift Guide giveaway was notified and has accepted the prize. Shop the guide here!

3. It drives me insane — PURPLE MINION INSANE — when people refer to the Roberto Clemente Bridge as the Sixth Street Bridge, so I wrote about it for Pittsburgh Magazine, hoping to convince these lazy butts to stop being such jerkfaces:

This is not Snoop Lion Doggy Dogg Hedgehog Owl changing his name every time he moves his bowels. This is not the year of our Lord changing its name every 365 days. This is an iconic bridge whose name was changed once more than a decade ago. At this point, if you’re still calling it the Sixth Street Bridge, you’re just stubbornly refusing to put forth the same effort you do when writing the correct year on a check in early January.

Have a read.

4. Barebones Productions has to be having a hell of a time advertising this play in the local media:

hat

“Things are starting to look up for recovering alcoholic Jackie and his girlfriend Veronica…until Jackie spots another man’s hat in their apartment and embarks on a sublimely incompetent quest for vengeance.”

I’m a big Patrick Jordan fan.

Can’t wait to see it. Tickets here. 

5. Check these out:

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I kinda love ‘em. Gonna do a giveaway of them soon.

(Not a paid ad.)

6. Interactive map of Pittsburgh’s lost inclines! Historygasm.

7. Community Human Services Holiday Gift Card drive is underway. It’s so easy to just buy a few gift cards for those in our city who need them the most. Check it out here. 

I’m going to try to get my butt to the Hough’s party again this year. 

8. Just me, putting a bug in your ear that in early February I’ll be begging you for some of your dollars to donate to the next phase of Make Room for Kids with the Mario Lemieux Foundation and local Microsoft folks. We are going to be outfitting two units at CHP with gaming and other tech distractions … the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU) and the Trauma Unit. More soon on that. Just do me a favor and set a few bucks aside for it. LOVE YOU!

9. Shut up! Fallingwater has a satellite holiday gift store downtown for the holiday shopping season!

I’m so there.

10. Ten of the funniest Mike Tomlin memes from his Thanksgiving day dance partay.

I like this one too:

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11. Let’s check in with Jeff Reed on Twitter:

Screen Shot 2013-12-02 at 9.51.13 AM Still amazing.

12. Has anyone heard from Shaun Suisham lately? Did he get the trash I left for him on his lawn?

Kidding.

Mostly.

Maybe.

Not at all.

FBN STEELERS RAVENS

grumpycat

 





What WE’RE really thinking: meme edition

petsheads

Oh, boy.

0-3.

All parts of the team are broken down.

More turnovers than those that come in an actual box of turnovers.

It looked hopeful for like 3 minutes there and then the portal to hell opened up and swallowed us whole.

I’m not even exaggerating. I saw Satan.

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May your boobs shrivel up and fall off. Yours too, Mila.

It’s just a game. It’s not the end. There’s still hope. Don’t fling yourself from the Clemente Bridge. (Unless the Pirates don’t make the post-season, then fling yourself with gusto while screaming ARRRIBBBAAAAAA! the whole way down. The irony will be beautiful.)

We lost and it sucked, but it’s just football.

I know that. But that didn’t stop me from making some memes to make myself feel better.

And that’s all she wrote … about that heaping pile of pigskin garbage:

ben

 

 

bencoach

 

brown

Seriously, Antonio. That shit is annoying. Knock it off and get back to the huddle.

haley

 

 

sack

 

troysus

That was badass and one of the few positives I can point out.

Other positives:

Pregnancy tests. Integers. Ions. Affirmations.

Hahahah! I’m punchy!

[Punch]

Next week. London against the 0-3 Vikings.

Here’s hoping we don’t drop a clanger and make arses of ourselves.

Cheerio!

Bugger all!

Rumpy pumpy and How’s Your Father?

Throw some shrimp on the barbie!

Did I do that right?

Who cares?

Punch.

 

 





Tomlin-speak when winning versus Tomlin-speak when losing.

Mike Tomlin said:

“I just told the guys we’re not going to provide lip service; we’re going to practice how we intend to play.”

Me, if we’re winning (all gifs from Reddits Reaction Gifs):

pumped

Losing:


whatever

 

Mike Tomlin said:

“I feel comfortable with them men we’ll walk into battle with next week.”

Me, if we’re winning:

battle

 

Losing:

bored1

Mike Tomlin said:

Most importantly is the standard of expectation of what we expect from them in everything that we do.

Me, if we’re winning:

colbertdancing

 

Losing:

balloons

 

Mike Tomlin said:

“Tomorrow is a new day. We’ll make the best decisions for us, globally speaking.”

Me, if we’re winning:

winning

Losing:

losing

The end.





What They’re Really Thinking: Burst Bubble Edition

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What a steaming pile of maggot-covered dog poop sitting on a giant mountain of worm-riddled elephant feces.

That is to say … PEE. EWE.

Don’t think I’ll be writing a WTRT for every Steelers game this season, but how could I not write one about the worst Steelers game in recent memory?

Injuries, stupid coaching decisions (have we come up with the new “Fire Bruce Arians” yet for Haley? Let’s get on that.), and just plain forgetting the basics of the game of football was the “Steelers Way” yesterday afternoon.

And with the score sitting at 2-0 for a good portion of the game, and then the Steelers being held to those two dismal points right up until late in the game. Two points.

Two.

It was an awful game to watch.

Let’s talk shitty football.

1. Pregame. Football’s back in town. Everyone is feeling good. Pittsburghers are preparing their food spreads and checking their Steelers-heavy fantasy teams. Dan Rooney is optimistic. So is the lady photobombing him.

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She is ready! She is personifying Steeler Nation Enthusiasm and Optimism! She would photobomb the President if given the chance! Thumbs up!

Even Jesus is there! What could go wrong with Jesus on hand?

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We are excited and hopeful and on top of the world!

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2. And then the game started and what’s this?

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336x199px-LL-a2f85292_wrestler_excited_gif

We are freaking out. The Steelers are back. The Steel Curtain is back. The dismal preseason record really DID mean nothing.

Terrible Towels are being whipped into such a frenzy, Scott Harbaugh takes to the air with a breaking report:

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3.  And then…

And then…

And then…

blanche-popping-balloon

4.First, injuries.

We lost Hernandez-BFF Pouncey for the season because DeCastro took him out.

DeCastro is a Steeler.

headdesk

We lost Foote for the season.

We lost Stevens-Howling for the season.

Sean Suisham pulled a hammy in pregame warmups.

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5. After scoring those two points, the Steelers forgot how to football.

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6. Redman?

Redman fumbled the ball 300 times, and got so confused he even tried basketball with it.

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7. Coaching? Now, you know here in Pittsburgh we love our coaches when they’re winning and we hate their faces and their guts and their mothers when they’re losing, but I’m going to go ahead and go on the record that yesterday’s coaching was a giant EFF MINUS.

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(source)

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That’s right. Mike Tomlin called a timeout with two seconds to go until the two-minute warning.

Stunned

Try for a thousand years and you’ll never wrap your head around it.

8.  Troysus was decent and he did that Superman/Jesus thing where he times the snap count perfectly and unleashes hell.

And … and … I’ve already run out of good things to say.

9. Even the fans forgot how to be fans.

This lady was so out of it by the time the Steelers finally got a touchdown that she was TWIRLING HER WATER BOTTLE.

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Watch the video here and see her at the :17 second mark.

SHE’S TWIRLING IT, YOU GUYS.

The STEELERS BROKE THE FANS.

10. It sucked and there’s a really good chance this whole season is going to suck now that our team is depleted with injuries and the guys who are left … kinda suck. And the coaches suck.

Suck.

God help us next week when we play the Bengals and James Harrison.

He is going to hand us our ass with a big fat “f–k you” stapled to it.

Let us pray.

11. Meanwhile, over at PNC Park …

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(Matt Freed/P-G source)

[headdesk]





What They’re Really Thinking: Hipster/Gif Edition

I began watching this game at Las Velas where the kids and I were dining with my husband’s family.

At half-time, I headed home with my kiddos and listened to the third quarter while driving.

Then I watched the fourth quarter in my living room while my daughter built her Minecraft kingdom and my son studied William Penn.

Did you know after William Penn’s death, one of his sons, Thomas, who was the leader of the colony called Pennsylvania, claimed to have in his possession a treaty between his father and a Lenape Indian chief — a treaty that stated William Penn could claim for his colony any land he wanted that was “as far as a man could go in a day and a half” to the west of the Delaware River. But while William was alive, they never did the “walk” to see how much land that was. So Thomas and the Indians cheerfully arranged for the walk. Thomas sent out three colonial walkers — who immediately took off sprinting, allowing them to take from the Lenape tribe 66 miles of land instead of the expected 30 at most.

The colonists were just total Quaker bitchez, weren’t they?

Where the hell were we?

Oh. Football. Let’s talk football. And Charlie Batch. And collective footballgasms that probably registered a solid 1.5 on the Richter Scale.

1. First, before the game even started, my hate juices started flowing. Hate started as a simmer and then began bubbling and bubbling until by the time the game started and I was one margarita buzzed, I could have easily punched right into Ray Lewis’ chest cavity and pulled out his still beating heart and then shoved it into his stupid jaw-unhinged screaming face.

Football makes me violent. Ray Lewis makes me SUPER violent.  We’ve discussed this.

Biblical hate. Hellfire hate.

And I know, Dad, that the Bible says you shouldn’t hate people, but I’m pretty sure even Jesus looks at the Ravens and is all, “BUT THEY’RE SO ANNOYYYYYYYYINNNNNNGGGGG! [/whine]”

Also, my Facebook avatar photo is easily 10 years old. I should probably update that. My gray hairs are all, “YA THINK?!”

2. There are six constants in life: death, taxes, change, Nutella, Shaun Suisham, and Heath Miller.

Everything else? In flux! Chaotic! Never still! Always in turmoil!

Troysus is hurt. Then he got better for five minutes and then he was hurt. Now he’s better. Ben got hurt so badly that if he even burped wrong his rib bone would puncture his aorta. Byron got hurt.  AB got hurt. Charlie’s 100-years-old and he’s in. Rashard is out. Wallace is demoted. Baron Batch who?

But Shaun Suisham is money [knocks violently on wood] and Heath Miller is our rock. Unchanging. Unfailing. (We’ll pretend Heath’s fumble during last week’s Game of Pigeon-Infested Hell didn’t happen. [waves hand] These are not the droids you’re looking for.) Edit: Heath didn’t fumble last week? Why did I think he did? The week before maybe? Either way, these are NOT THE DROIDS YOUR LOOKING FOR.

So when the going gets tough in the remaining games of the season, they are the lighthouses on the hill we’ll look to.

This has been Deep Thoughts, with Virginia Montanez who is Two Margaritas Buzzed.

3. Unfortunately, there’s one other constant: 

Steely McBeam will never die.

That’s a Steely McBeam “study buddy,” or as I call him, “Hipster McBeam.” I think you’re supposed to violently rip his head off … ironically.

4. This is pretty much how the third quarter went because I had to listen to it in the car on DVE and with my hearing, it sounds like this, “SHHHHHHHHHHH Brown SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 18 SHHHHHHHH fumble.”

Me: “What happened?”

My son in the back seat: “There was a fumble.”

Me: “Who recovered it?!?”

Son: “Ummmmmm. Ben … Roethlisberger?”

Me: “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!?!”

Poor kid. It’s a lot of pressure to be the ears for your deaf mom while sportscasters are talking a million miles an hour.

Can you imagine if Myron Cope was still alive?

Me: “WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!”

Son:[sobbing] I … HAVE … NO … IDEA.”

5. Ryan Clark made an amazing interception and we barely had time to tweet our jubilation because two plays later, the Ravens intercepted that shit right back and then BOOM BOOM touchdown Ravens. It’s 13-3 and Burghers all over America are horrified and desperately looking for something to puke into.

6. Last week I asked my brother-in-law Muchacho if he thought Troysus would ever play football again. He said no.

I asked my sister. She said no.

I asked my dad. He said no.

In my gut, I felt “no.”

And Troysus was like, “Bitch, please.”

He wasn’t a huge factor in the game, but he was A factor.

7. Charlie Batch. Is old. I’m seven months older than Charlie Batch and I’m telling you … he is old. And slow. And old. And toeing the line of decrepitude. My god. That’s a word. Go me.

But despite that age and that decrepitudity (survey saaaays! Not a word), he fought hard during this game. Charlie wanted this win. You could see it in everything he was doing and shouting and gesturing during the fourth quarter especially. He was frantic and determined and fighting for every yard. He even mouthed off to the refs a bit!

Not only that, but when Dwyer ran for a touchdown in the third to tie the game up, it was CHARLIE BATCH who threw the block that allowed him to score. 104-year-old Charlie Batch ran behind Dwyer like a spring chicken on meth and threw a block and all of Steeler Nation is like …

 

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!

8. As we were nearing our house, the Ravens scored a touchdown and I slapped my hand on my car radio power button a little harder than necessary and the car was filled with my angry silence.

Daughter: “Why did you turn the Steelers off, Mom?”

My son: “Because they suck.”

9. Fourth quarter, we’re down by 7 when Charlie, poor Charlie, throws an interception.

But then something miraculous happens. A Christmas miracle.

James Harrison showed up for the first time since what seems like 1975.

He forces a fumble and two minutes later, Heath scores, but he doesn’t just score. He turns into the love child of Elasta-girl and Gumby and stretches his arms just far enough to tap the pylon, probably tearing every muscle in his arm pit in the process.

We freak.

The game is all tied up with less than 7 minutes on the clock.

10. The defense does its job and gets the ball back for Charlie and it’s now Charlie’s job is to give Shaun Suisham a chance to win the game in the final seconds. A roughing the passer penalty on the Ravens really really helps him out.

But he needs to get a bit closer to give Suisham a sure thing. We’re looking at a 42-yarder if he doesn’t.

Dwyer. 1 yard.

[inhale] [exhale]

Dwyer. Minus 1 yard.

[inhale exhale inhale exhale]

Dwyer. No gain.

 

Up comes Shaun “Sure Thing” Suisham to kick.

Tomlin gives him a look:

Here we go.

Half of us remain calm in our belief of Shaun Suisham.

Half of us can’t watch, and run to semi-hide.

And half of us who can’t do math are staring and then looking away and then staring and then looking away and then grabbing our dogs (not a euphemism) and hugging them like a yipping security blanket. We think about sucking our thumbs (also not a euphemism).

Three seconds on the clock. Game is tied. 42 yards looks like a thousand miles.

He lines up.

The ball is snapped.

He kicks.

It’s good! Time expires!

Steeler Nation loses its almighty collective shit!

Charlie Batch loses his shit too and falls sobbing into the arms of Ben Roethlisberger for a good long cry.

(via SB Nation)

 It’s beautiful. And emotional. And we’re all a bit teary-eyed and some of us are just flat-out ugly crying:

There  there, Dawson. We all want to hug Charlie Batch too because he wanted this win and he got it for us. And it wasn’t just a win. It was a win over the Ravens. It might be the biggest win; it might be the last win of his life.

Charlie has a message for everyone who didn’t believe he could do it:

Shut up. I love the bee uniforms.

So we won. A big game. An important game. And that goes a long way to help us forget last week’s debacle against the Browns.

Everyone is forgiven.

Except Mike Wallace.

[shrug]

11.. Finally, this goes without saying, but Total Quaker Bitchez would be a great band name.