That's Church

I’m sad about the Pens loss. So sad, in fact, that I ate for two straight hours after the final second ticked off the game clock. Half a jar of cookie butter. Cheese and crackers and processed meat slices. And then I eyed the cereal boxes. It wasn’t pretty. I woke up with a weird marriage of Cocoa Krispies and cracker dust in my hair.

YOLO.

So I’m going to ignore the loss and Bylsma’s likely departure (sob) and instead talk about pigeons. EFFING PIGEONS. MOTHERBLEEPING JERKASSWAD PIGEONS.

First, yesterday late morning in Market Square, it was a beautiful steamy sunny August day that happened to get lost and wind up in May all, “WHERE THE HELL AM I?! I think I took a wrong turn at July or something. I tried circling back but some yinzer told me to turn where Rax used to be.”

There I sat in the sun with Sally Wiggin, not far from a table full of beard-wearing Rangers. Sally and I were chatting about life while her cameraman set up for an interview, when a pigeon sauntered up to her, about a foot from her chair, probably wanting to tell her, “Hey, why are you hanging out with our Antichrist? Aren’t you better than that?”

Sally Wiggin spied the pigeon, and Sally Wiggin talked to the pigeon. She bent down and gave it baby talk.

And then she remembered who she was sitting with.

And  she looked up at me.

And I was all …

And then she was like …

WE DON’T TALK IN BABY VOICES TO PIGEONS, SALLY WIGGIN!

I’m getting that on a shirt, a pillow, AND my gravestone.

Amen.

Also, this happened:

What?

And while we’re talking about pigeons, here’s the closing line of this hilarious letter to the editor at the Post-Gazette yesterday:

Perhaps the first place we can stop “feeding the pigeons” is with ourselves.

I will pay you the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS if you can explain what that means.

I think she was going for a “Be the change you want to see in the world” type of thing, but instead veered toward a “There are a lot of weeds in the garden of my mind” thing.

I hope Anna Smith of the North Side emails me so that I can email her back a link to the story of how PIGEON POOP BROUGHT DOWN THE BRIDGE IN MINNEAPOLIS.

Get at me.

P.S. Cocoa Krispie Hangover would be a great band name.

1.I’m on a low-carb diet since my return from Mexico AKA EAT ALL THE THINGSICO, so today I ate 10 cookies.

As one does when one is on a low-carb diet.

Tomorrow I’ll probably eat a half dozen donuts.

I’m really good at dieting.

2. God bless Munch at the P-G for finding that Roman Bistro in Forest Hills has an absolute over-the-top, ear shattering, Spongebob-esque website.

Just … shhh.

And don’t get me started on the apostrophes and quotation marks.

3. Sid almost choked to death on a cheese stick.

Does he need mouth-to-mouth, do you know?

[chapstick]

4. Tim McGraw kissed a local woman’s bald head and awwwww and LOOK AT HIS GUNS, YOU GUYS.

I don’t think I’ve ever used this word on this blog in my, what, eight years of blogging, but DAY-UM.

5. Plum High School, of the famous Pens lipdubs, is ready to cut their TV Production Program. 

They have lost their DAY-UM minds.

6. This is the truthiest thing ever:

God bless you, Ian Richards of Sewickley for creating this.

God bless you.

7. The Republican nominee for Pittsburgh Mayor, Josh Wander, is a doomsday prepper with a PREPPER license plate and an appearance on Doomsday Preppers in which we get to see his whole family shooting guns and shit.

[headdesk]

Doomsday prepping is the new face tattoos.

8. WHY?

(h/t Charles)

9. I put this on my Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but if you missed it, how my local Dairy Queen spells Iginla:

10. While we’re talking Instagram, my favorite Friends episode was on this week, so I had to mark it:

PIVOT.

11. Can Burghers go too far in their love of our city?

Yes, they can. When they refuse to acknowledge its flaws.

A snippet of my latest Pittsburgh Magazine column:

We must not allow ourselves to become blind to Pittsburgh’s flaws; that’s no healthier than a parent ignoring the shortcomings of a child. Spend a decade coddling little Suzie, never addressing her faults, letting her get away with everything, becoming angry when anyone dares to criticize her — and before you know it, you’re bailing 16-year-old “Suze” out of juvie for using her 4-inch stiletto to go Bad Girls Club on a classmate who insulted her ombre dye job.

My original text said “ombre dye job as ‘Yinzery.’”

Go have a read, and then be sure to read the comments. Always a good time in the comments.

Enter sarcasm emoticon here.

12. And your awesome tweets as of late:

Just had to look up sore to make sure it meant achy, rather than fly. Dear god. What will Wednesday bring.

— Terra McBride (@spicymeatball) May 22, 2013

Teaching 7th grade today. Plan to skateboard in with a boombox on my shoulder.

— Jesse Landis-Eigsti (@jlandiseigsti) May 22, 2013

Even though he lost, I bet AJ Richardson is still going to drink all the 40s he bought for his victory party.

— Bill Crawford (@dveBillCrawford) May 22, 2013

Jack Wagner rips open a pack of Polident and sighs

— Jim Shireman (@shireman) May 22, 2013

Looks like I picked the wrong day to get face tats.

— Jonathan Wander (@JMWander) May 22, 2013

choosy moms choose to kick you in the taint if you dont pronounce it jif

— psamp (@psamp) May 21, 2013

Mailman caught me grilling shirtless. Face melted like a nazi looking at Ark of the Covenant. But on the plus side: no bills today!

— Mr. theMoon (@Sheepthemoon) May 21, 2013

This city figures out all the places you’d love to make a U-turn and deliberately puts up a “no U-turn” sign just to drive ya nuts!

— Pittsburgh Dad (@Pittsburgh_Dad) May 18, 2013

That’s church.

1. If you haven’t yet, please scroll down or click here to see pictures of the $20,000 in technology upgrades we dropped off and installed at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh this week.

2. Reader Kathleen is running the Pittsburgh 1/2 Marathon for Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund.

If you’re looking for a charitable place to spread some good karma today, go throw in a few dollars for her? She only needs about $240 more to reach her goal!

For sick kids!

3. The Bucs are in second place. Half game out of first. They’ve won 12 of their last 16, I think. The best team in baseball, Atlanta, has only lost 6 games all season, and three of those were to the Pirates.

I’M JUST SAYING.

4.  Did you know you can buy Yinzer Bingo at Wildcard and another store that sells them, but I lost the name? There’s a K in the name? Anyone? Anyone? Zober?

Regardless, LOOK!

These are created by John the Craftist, who is actually a woman. Look at some of the other amazing stuff she creates, many of which are greeting cards:

I’m kind of in love with all of this and I wonder if there’s a Gemini one that says, “Witty. Passionate. Batshit Crazy.”

Anyway, I’ll be in Wildcard very soon to buy all the things.

5. Pigeons are assholes. And they smoke too. Look at this news photo from a 1989 edition of the Post-Gazette.

Click to embiggen and then read the caption.

Unreal. If today’s pigeons get wind of this, it is going to RAIN FIRE.

(h/t Jerry)

6. If you’re around Market Square next Friday morning …

Light of Life Rescue Mission is presenting former MLB player Sean Casey with the 3rd annual Locker Room Leadership Award at 9:30 a.m.  Sean is a former all-star baseball player for the Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Boston Red Sox, and Cleveland Indians. Dennis Bowman will emcee, introducing former Steelers Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley who will present Sean with the award.

I’ll be there hanging out for sure. Sean does amazing things for the homeless via Light of Life.

7. This is old, but shut up.

Pittsburgh leads the nation in people moving in.

Suck it, Portland.

8. Giant Eagle is grocery store Big Brother?

Also, people are STILL commenting on my pharmacy rant. My God.

9. Lukey went AWOL, said he never left the city, but apparently his press secretary thought he went to Bradenton at one point. 

That sounds right.

10. Pretty sure the P-G is going to endorse Wagner after reading this article. Why? Just scroll down and read the comment left by Matt Barron. The P-G very conveniently left out some HUGE names that endorsed Bill Peduto yesterday. 

[golf clap]

11. Headline: “Penguins Drop Second Straight.”

Seriously. Two losses in a row. NBD.

12. The fountain is almost ready to go!

Here’s an image from today via Point Park TV’s twitter account:

Cannot wait until I can take my kids for a stroll around the fountain again.

13. UNREAL TIMELAPSE OF FOG ROLLING INTO PITTSBURGH.

Also unreal? That WTAE used FOUR anchors to intro it. Hah!

But seriously … amazing video.

14. Mother’s Day!

I wrote about Pittsburgh Moms for the May magazine edition. A snippet:

Our conversations about the latest episode of “Greatest American Hero” turned to hushed whispers. There was no whining about elbows in ribs or bothersome jelly-shoe blisters. While we painfully swallowed our sneezes, our mom drove with her chin hovering 3 inches above the steering wheel and her hands locked in a death-grip. She’d hold this position until the wagon was safely parked — which is when she’d exhale and revoke the sacred Writ of Silentium Absolutus.

I didn’t appreciate it then, but I can see it now for what it was: My mother was doing something far outside of her comfort zone so that her girls could have nice clothes (that didn’t scream, “Five kids. One job. Hills is where the toys are.”).

And I also put together a Burghy Mother’s Day gift guide for you. Everything from Burgh-made jewelry, to an awesome Pirates iPhone case, to BYOB painting classes where Mom can paint her own Pittsburgh skyline, and LOTS more.

I mean, the Confluence necklace pictured up top of this post? Holy moly.

Check all the gift suggestions out here.

15. Finally, your amazing tweets:

this commercial says we start losing muscle at age 40. haha joke’s on you I never had any muscle

— James Foreman (@jamesforeman) April 25, 2013

*achoo* <<pause>> Oh god. #thingsyoudontwanttohear

— Terra McBride (@spicymeatball) April 25, 2013

BRB buying like 100 cars from Debbie Flaherty

— Jim Shireman (@shireman) April 25, 2013

Pittsburgh Poetry! vine.co/v/bPpK0tYUr2u

— Pittsburgh Dad (@Pittsburgh_Dad) April 24, 2013

if I die in my sleep, that last show I’ve watched was Ready for Love, so

— Jordan Valinsky (@jordan327) April 24, 2013

Welcome to Pittsburgh, where (evidently) any vehicle making a left turn has the right of way!

— Steve Norcup (@snorcup) April 23, 2013

Have to submit a reimbursement request on this form created entirely with comic sans. Perhaps the check will be signed by the Animaniacs.

— Tim Hindes (@thindes) April 20, 2013

Flash Bang: a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform unusual sex acts for a brief time, then quickly disperse.

— Bill Crawford (@dveBillCrawford) April 20, 2013

Speculation is the new news.

— mindbling (@mindbling) April 19, 2013

(Chef at Light of Life Rescue Mission holding donated forks)

1. Oh. My. God.

Who would have thought one little Giant Eagle pharmacy rant would result in the madness it did and in the criticism toward me that it did?

You’ve got to go read the comments; you’d think I wrote a post about how we should kill all the puppies.

Oh, and I didn’t even include the part about how that was the second time that day I had tried to pick up that prescription, as they claimed the first time that they didn’t have it and they sent me away.

Anyway, KILL ALL THE PUPPIES. AND THE EAGLES WHILE WE’RE AT IT.

2. Speaking of birds, the Aviary hatched a new owl chick, and when I think baby owls I think this:

(source)

I was wrong, though, because theirs is a baby EAGLE owl. 

I looked into its eyes for ten seconds and I can tell you in no uncertain terms …

… that thing wants to kill me.

Why are birds so evil?

3. The first mayoral TV-spot is out and it is Bill Peduto’s and I kind of love it. Well done.

4. Speaking of mayoral candidates, Jake Wheatley’s entire campaign site doesn’t have a single picture of him on it. Not even the “About Jake” page.

Srsly.

And AJ Richardson not only has a DUI, a prior arrest, face tattoos, and the penchant for referring to himself in the third person,but his website has autoplay. 

When are these mayoral candidates going to ask my advice about fixing their shit? I mean, what does “skillful in morality” even mean?

Lukey would have been mayor for life if he would have brought me on board years ago to run the Office of Church.

5. Ay caramba, Penn Avenue Fish Company.

(h/t Woozle on Twitter)

6. The PensBlog boys have a gif of Sidney Crosby not blinking for 15 straight seconds during last night’s game. 

You know who else does that?

Cyborgs.

7. Hadouken fights are the best Internet thing since the Rickroll, and this one from the Scarehouse made me pee a little it’s so awesome:

You gotta see the whole set from the “fight.” So perfect.

I hate that zombie. And that bunny. They look harmless until you’re standing in a scary room in the dark and their noses are three millimeters from your neck, and you hear them inhale. [shudder]

8. Does hadouken really work?

I hope so.

Because I’m going to try it on the pigeons in Market Square.

[awkward kung fu moves] [HADOUKEN!]

9. Jamie and Ali McMutrie have HUGE news in that they won the prestigious Norman Borlaug Humanitarian Award!

They were flown to Las Vegas to accept the award in front of a crowd of 4,000. They’re having a free reception to celebrate on April 18 in East Liberty. They’ll be giving away Pens playoff tickets there too!

Details here.

10. If you’re looking for an easy way to give back to the community, I have it for you. The Light of Life Rescue Mission on the North Side is in need of forks for their meal services to the homeless. That’s it!

Not plasticware, as they like to reuse, but any old, mismatched forks you might have around the house can be dropped off at the mission on the North Side. I did it and it takes five seconds to hand them over at the front desk.

11. Pittsburgh is the new Hollywood, as a new A&E series will be both set here, and filmed here.

12. WUT?

But the device attached to the man’s body wasn’t a bomb at all. He took road flares and taped them to his chest. He then stuck an iPod earbud up his nose and ran the cord down to the flares.

Can you just picture this idiot coming up with this plan? Taping the flares to his chest, looking at himself in the mirror all, “How can I make this look even MORE realistic? iPOD EARBUD UP THE NOSE, GENIUS!”

13. Finally, some awesome Pittsburgh tweets:

Newest douchey work term: “Searchandising”.

— Pat Stack (@pat_stack) April 9, 2013

The bad news for Pittsburghers, is that the Penguin game ended just in time for the start of the Pirate game.

— patrick muldowney (@patmuldowney) April 10, 2013

Thatcher’s middle name Hilda was not her birth name; she absorbed it from the first of many vampires she killed as a teenager.

— Stephen Harkleroad (@americancrank) April 8, 2013

The clothes cyclists wear, that’s a joke right?

— Jordan W(@JordanWads) April 6, 2013

Just ran into the “hot” substitute teacher from high school. I told her it was my 40th birthday & she literally cried.

— Topher Berg (@pantster) April 5, 2013

Ray shero looks at the Nhl player list like he’s going through baseball cards. ” Need it, Need it, need it, Got It, need it, got it.”

— It’sa Me, Chachio! (@chachisays) April 3, 2013

I call places to get put on hold. Where else do you hear Beethoven? #Culture

— Flick (@FlickFM) April 11, 2013

The 17 year cicada’s are gonna come back this year and be like, “The Pirates still haven’t had a fucking winning season?”

— RandyBaumann WDVE (@DVERandy) April 11, 2013

Randy wins.

1. Things look a little different on the blog this morning. First, I’ve taken down the Make Room For Kids thermometer, which was sitting over there so long on account of my laziness, natch. [eats a cookie]

You’ll also notice that the three featured posts are gone from just below the header. That is because apparently the widgets all got in a fight and started disabling each other with vicious bitchslaps.

My blog designer, Jennifer of Inksplash, is due to deliver a baby at … any … moment, and therefore, she won’t be able to tinker with it for a bit of time.

And why don’t I just tinker with it and fix it myself? LOL. You’d be surprised how very very little I know about WordPress and HTML and mothereffing widgets. In fact, when people email me to ask me for help with the techy stuff on their blogs, my response is, “LOL! SOMETHING SOMETHING VEAL!”

All that to say … the blog looks different! It’s not just you!

I’m wordy today.

2. A Mister Rogers story so unbelievable you might not believe it until you remember this is Mister Rogers we’re talking about and then you believe it. 

Wordiness is my co-pilot.

(h/t Randy Baumann)

3. How ’bout ‘dem Pens? I was glad they lost because they can’t never not lose again (triple negative, baby!) and I need them to lose now and not during the playoffs, eh?

Last night my brother-in-law Muchacho, Pens Fan’s husband, sent me a text so angry about Dan Potash, that I still to this moment do not understand what he was saying. He was apparently keyboard smashing on an iPhone, which isn’t an easy thing to do.

You know it’s bad in the Pens locker room when Dan Potash is forced to interview the opposing players.

And you know it’s a bad game when my brother-in-law turns on Dan Potash. That’s like walking up to Jeff Jimerson and being all, “No, I don’t want to run my fingers through your silky smooth hair.”

UNHEARD OF.

Also, wordiness! Get a cup of coffee; I’m using all the words today.

Including this one … brobdingagian.

[takes a bow]

4. Oh my God. We’re only on number 4.

5. Found on Reddit:

You know, if you have to drive a piece of shit car, you might as well drive an AWESOME piece of shit car.

Love it!

(h/t Charles)

6. A Calvin and Hobbes themed bedroom.

(h/t a bunch of yinz)

7. I recently reconnected to perhaps my favorite local artist Saihou O. Njie, whose paintings just … they’re amazing. I’ve been a fan for a decade now and someday, I will own one. Do you have one you want to sell me?

Anyway, check this out. His latest exhibit “Twinning,” at Manchester Craftsman’s Guild showcases his efforts to match 100 Africans with their African American lookalikes. 

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS.

8. AreThePiratesInFirstPlace.com is exactly what it sounds like.

(via Sarah from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books)

9. Why Jarome Iginla Chose The Penguins.

Sean Conboy is not only my editor, he is my spirit animal.

10. Things to read, because I can’t remember if I linked you to them or not on account of my previously discussed laziness [eats another cookie]:

• I’ve been trying to learn all of my grandma’s Syrian recipes. Problem is she died a decade ago and I didn’t bother to sit her down before that. BE YE NOT SO STUPID. Go read.  I talk about Ouija Boards. My father just prayed for me. 
• Then go read Wayno’s post featuring the early sketches for that column and how he decided on that illustration of me inside a measuring cup. LOVE IT. Although I kind of wish I could see his finished mock-up of The Devil’s Spatula, which is what I have dubbed the baker’s version of the gardener’s black thumb.
• My previous column was about Primanti Bros. going nationwide and how I feel about that and how you feel about that. 
• Did you read my post about Target Canada using the Mister Rogers theme song in a commercial? It’s aboot time you did! I MADE A FUNNY. 
• Did you read my post that was my farewell to Lukey? The post that a reader read and then said I had drank the Kool-Aid and was now “smitten” with Luke Ravenstahl? SOMETHING SOMETHING VEAL!

11. “Three Things You Didn’t Know About Roberto Clemente.” Unless you are me, and then you knew all of them.

[awkward kung fu moves]

12. Tweets I love from you guys this week:

It’s supposed to snow tonight. I will angrily stand outside and punch the snow as it falls

— Pat Hanavan (@PatHanavan) March 24, 2013

Made a loaf of bread. It’s rubbery like a bouncy ball. Or gum.I’ve essentially made whole wheat gum.

— SupervillainMom (@SupervillainMom) March 22, 2013

Ray Shero could bring the olympics to Pittsburgh. I believe this statement to be 100% true.

— Mikey (@fsmikey) March 28, 2013

In related news:Penguins acquire John Tavares from the Islanders for a signed Sidney Crosby skate.

— Denis Leary (@denisleary) March 28, 2013

Hoping that Starling Marte can play up to the level of how cool he looks and how cool his name is.

— chrisfafalios (@chrisfafalios) April 1, 2013

Snow and windy, now dry and sunny. Pittsburgh weather: if you don’t like it, wait 15 minutes and it’ll change.

— marie popichak (@maripops) April 1, 2013

Really thought 2013 was going to be the year I print something, walk over to the printer, and it’s there.

— Cara Sapida (@WPXICara) April 3, 2013

@janepitt But are the people of Century III Chevrolet, Lebanon Church Road, Pittsburgh safe? As I recall it is minutes from the mall.

— Kim Z Dale (@observacious) April 3, 2013

And now you have that jingle stuck in your head.

[drops mic and walks away]