Category Archives: Pirates

Me and the Pirates and you.

 

Oh, I’ll never forget that post where I blew the bandwagon up back in 2010.

On this the eve of the Pirates’ first postseason game in 20 years, I went through my Buccos posts from 2006 to 2012 (not 2009, as my blog was shuttered for most of that year) and found for each year a snippet representing my feelings at the beginning of the season versus my feelings at later in the season. It’s an interesting look at one fan’s fluctuating and oftentimes tense relationship with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

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2006

April 11, 2006: “PittGirl reviews Opening Day 2006″

Maybe the Pirates would do a little better if they weren’t so damn scared of the ball.

July 12, 2006: “Dear Bud Selig”

How can we expect different results if the Pirates keep doing things the same way?  This town could be a baseball town. Know how I know? Because of the lump that rose in my throat and lots of Burghers’ throats when the cheers rose up for Jason Bay and Freddy Sanchez during player introductions last night. We want to cheer for the Pirates. We want to be proud of them. Yesterday, we finally got a little taste of what it’s like to be proud of the Pirates. We liked it. We loved it. We want more of it. Let that put you, Kevin, and all those Nuttings on notice that we’ve had damn enough of this shittastic management. We’ve had it up to here with all the commitment and desperation and determination. We want some freaking results.

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2007

February 21, 2007: “What they’re really thinking: Spring training edition”

The Pirates are in Florida for spring training, hoping that this is the year they turn this team around … any way they can, including embracing Eastern philosophies.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

 

July 25, 2007: “Losers”

The only way the Pirates will see first place any time soon is if they are there to clean First Place’s house or maybe mow its lawn. And even then, First Place would be like, “Please don’t make eye contact with me or speak directly to me unless I speak to you first, you loser.”

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2008

February 21, 2008: “Random n’at”

While we sit here trying to unfreeze our snots, the Pirates are down there in Florida … hopefully working their asses off. Burghers, looking at this picture of Freddy Sanchez at camp. I don’t know. It does something to me. It’s making me look forward to baseball season. Like maybe this will be the year? Is it too much to hope? They can’t lose forever can they?

September 15, 2008: “A Light in the suck”

This damn-giving.  It is a beautiful thing on Dougie and for that I shall apologize to him for turning my back on him and the team and I will promise him that from now on, I will once again place myself in front of my television so that I can witness those few small moments of shining awesome that we’re fortunate to find hiding within the giant mass of sucking suck.

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2010

March 13, 2010: “The mumble-mumble pep talk of the year”

This is me, walking up and down the line, looking each of you in the eye and saying, “Who gives a crap what the editor of a golf magazine thinks about you?  Golf isn’t even a sport.  I mean, John Daly played professional golf as a 400-lb alcoholic.  Your mother plays golf.  Your grandmother plays golf.  Let’s see them connect with a ninety-mile-an-hour four-seam fastball.  And who gives a parrot cloaca about some computer?!  Eff the computers!  Eff the scientist who forgot to plug ‘playing with heart’ into his ‘algorithm.’  Eff the haters.  Eff the pessimists.  Eff the statistics.  Eff the laws of probability.  Eff the management and their shitty profit-driven decision-making.  Because this is the year.  This is the year you win despite playing for the worst management in all of professional sports and possibly amateur sports and possibly circle-time at the daycare.  Screw it all.  This is the year you play like you mean it.  Play like you want to win.  Play like you know a thing or two about hitting and throwing a ball.  When that ball comes to you, you slow that ball down in your mind, you look that ball in the eye and you say, ‘Eff you, ball,’ and you hit it square in the nose.  Win so they can’t laugh at you anymore.  Win for the fans.  Win for the kids.  Win so I can send that Golf Magazine editor a nasty email.  Win so you can kick that ‘algorithm’ right in the junk.  Just win.  Because I swear to God, if I lose this bet, I will not only make each and every one of you pox-riddled scallywags walk the plank, but I will personally push you overboard and let The Kraken have you for supper.

August 25, 2010: “Click. Click. KABOOM!”

For now, I’m just going to sit and watch the pretty fire, and drink what’s left of the margaritas until I’m too drunk to care about 18 years of losing. Burn, baby, burn.

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2011

February 28, 2011: “Destroying the Manatees”

I’m not saying “THIS IS THE YEAR!” because I promised you I wouldn’t do that no matter how rosy my Cult of Personality glasses make everything seem. I looked at a pile of dog poop the other day and it looked like a chocolate doughnut. These glasses are of the strongest rose-colored prescription money can buy.

I must let you know that the Pittsburgh Pirates spent a sunny Florida day bitchslapping the Manatees stupid.

September 14, 2011: “Tuck and Roll” 

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2012

March 5, 2012: “This is important”

But things are changing. The tides are turning. This stinking, putrid, battle-maimed ship of scurvy and suck is afloat and heading in the vicinity of the right direction, as in if the “right direction” is east, we are heading south south east, which is better than west.

ANYWAY, my point, as always … THIS IS THE YEAR!

We pray.

October 5, 2012: “Oh the Humanity!”

Me? The resident “everything else” blogger who built and piloted the Pirates bandwagon this year? Well, I just want to type a lot of profanity and then when I run out, I want to invent new, more expressive forms of profanity. I want to punch things and then kick them where they fall. All of my attempted heartfelt, nod-worthy and Amen-pulling sentences get interrupted with keyboard smashes. “The Pirates, for the first time in two decades, came so close to a winning season they jksdfj welkfjaf;lkjawe;flk awef;lkwejfj–”

As the unofficial builder, recruiter and driver of the bandwagon, I’m sad and I’m going to be sad and really really angry until about February. Then the weather is going to shift and by early March a warm rain is going to sweep away 2012 and I’m going to really wake up to 2013 and the possibilities it can bring to the Pittsburgh Pirates because I’m a sick individual. I’m going to build a new bandwagon and recruit like never before and I’m going to go to opening day and say, “This is the year!” and I’m going to believe it in my sick heart.

But for now, if you’re still on my bandwagon, I can’t say this adamantly enough: Tuck and roll, because this sucker is about to burn like the fires of hell before meeting the bottom of the Mon.

I bet that’s a pretty good representation of your relationship with the team too.

Hope. Despair. Hope! Despair! HOPE! EFF YOU, PIRATES! EFF YOU TO HELL!

Those days are gone. Tomorrow we put our butts in the seats, and I don’t care if we lose by a score of 20-1 … we stay in our seats and when that game is over, we stand up and we applaud those men for giving us more than what we’ve been wishing for for 20 years. They weren’t content with a winning season; they took us to the postseason, and then they brought the postseason home to us.

Tomorrow we go to bed loving the Pittsburgh Pirates. No matter what.

Let’s go, Bucs.





The Pirates are going to the playoffs. [thud]

If you’re one of those people who reads my stuff here but doesn’t click over to read my stuff at the magazine … WHY?

Do you think I don’t bring my snark over there? I do. The only thing I don’t bring over there is my foul mouth.

I wrote about the Pirates clinching a playoff spot.

Man.

The word clinching and the word Pirates and it’s not about them clinching a losing season.

As I was saying, I wrote about the clinch. I wrote about how I felt and how I acted and what it meant and what it means and I even did some amazing math using Roberto’s numbers and Neil Walker’s numbers to predict that Neil Walker is going to do something epic in October.

MATH DOESN’T LIE, YOU GUYS.

So if there’s anything I’ve ever written over at the magazine, this is the one I want you to go read, because I’ve been writing it in my head for two decades.

Here’s a snippet of a post I originally wrote for That’s Church, but decided to delete two swear words and share it with all of Pittsburgh via my blog at Pittsburgh Magazine:

I believed the curse. I did.

It took me about 17 years of futility, but I started to believe it. It went beyond poor management and the constant swapping of good working parts for cheap replacements in the ironic name of “rebuilding.” Something bigger was at work here, I told myself. It had to be.

So when my husband came to me a few weeks ago and said he had received the postseason ticket-order form and that he was getting ready to send our money in, I said, “Wait.”

Wait.

WAIT JUST ONE SECOND, YOU BEAUTIFUL MEXICAN SON OF A —

I put my hand on his shoulder and said quite seriously — and if I’m making this up, may a pigeon snuggle with me every night for the rest of my days — “If you send that money in, we won’t make the postseason. BUT! … ”

My eyes were wide and maniacal now.

“… If you DON’T send that money in, we’ll probably win the World Series!”

I arched my eyebrows and flashed a maniacal, toothy smile like Lady Elaine Fairchilde after botched botox. I had become more superstitious than Sidney Crosby at 8:07 on Aug. 7.

He looked at me like I had just asked him to adopt a gaggle of baby pigeons. (So fluffy, honey!)

And then he sent the money in.
 


I not only believed in the curse, but I also believed a savior would come to save us from it.

Please. Go read the rest. 

Read about how I feel about Mark Appel [patooie!] and whether or not the Bucs should have celebrated the way they did last night (spoiler alert: HELL YES).

And most importantly … go see the math.

MATH!

Now, let’s go, Bucs!

P.S. At some point this week, I’m going to mine my eight years of archives and pull up my favorite Pirates posts so we can relive all the drama. It will be legendary to revisit lines like this:

Apparently what happened, you guys, is that Nate McLouth started sucking upon his departure from the Pirates, which is unusual because when players leave the Pirates, they often start playing their Best Baseball Ever. “I’m HEALED!” That’s Satan.

Granted we got Charlie Morton in the McLouth trade, and depending on the month, that makes you either say, “Best trade ever!” or “God. Charlie Morton is a black hole of suck that is sucking more suck into its gaping abyss-like hole of suck.”

Hah. Man.

More soon. For now, go read.

Group hug. 





What They’re Really Thinking: Burst Bubble Edition

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What a steaming pile of maggot-covered dog poop sitting on a giant mountain of worm-riddled elephant feces.

That is to say … PEE. EWE.

Don’t think I’ll be writing a WTRT for every Steelers game this season, but how could I not write one about the worst Steelers game in recent memory?

Injuries, stupid coaching decisions (have we come up with the new “Fire Bruce Arians” yet for Haley? Let’s get on that.), and just plain forgetting the basics of the game of football was the “Steelers Way” yesterday afternoon.

And with the score sitting at 2-0 for a good portion of the game, and then the Steelers being held to those two dismal points right up until late in the game. Two points.

Two.

It was an awful game to watch.

Let’s talk shitty football.

1. Pregame. Football’s back in town. Everyone is feeling good. Pittsburghers are preparing their food spreads and checking their Steelers-heavy fantasy teams. Dan Rooney is optimistic. So is the lady photobombing him.

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She is ready! She is personifying Steeler Nation Enthusiasm and Optimism! She would photobomb the President if given the chance! Thumbs up!

Even Jesus is there! What could go wrong with Jesus on hand?

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We are excited and hopeful and on top of the world!

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2. And then the game started and what’s this?

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We are freaking out. The Steelers are back. The Steel Curtain is back. The dismal preseason record really DID mean nothing.

Terrible Towels are being whipped into such a frenzy, Scott Harbaugh takes to the air with a breaking report:

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3.  And then…

And then…

And then…

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4.First, injuries.

We lost Hernandez-BFF Pouncey for the season because DeCastro took him out.

DeCastro is a Steeler.

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We lost Foote for the season.

We lost Stevens-Howling for the season.

Sean Suisham pulled a hammy in pregame warmups.

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5. After scoring those two points, the Steelers forgot how to football.

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6. Redman?

Redman fumbled the ball 300 times, and got so confused he even tried basketball with it.

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7. Coaching? Now, you know here in Pittsburgh we love our coaches when they’re winning and we hate their faces and their guts and their mothers when they’re losing, but I’m going to go ahead and go on the record that yesterday’s coaching was a giant EFF MINUS.

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(source)

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That’s right. Mike Tomlin called a timeout with two seconds to go until the two-minute warning.

Stunned

Try for a thousand years and you’ll never wrap your head around it.

8.  Troysus was decent and he did that Superman/Jesus thing where he times the snap count perfectly and unleashes hell.

And … and … I’ve already run out of good things to say.

9. Even the fans forgot how to be fans.

This lady was so out of it by the time the Steelers finally got a touchdown that she was TWIRLING HER WATER BOTTLE.

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Watch the video here and see her at the :17 second mark.

SHE’S TWIRLING IT, YOU GUYS.

The STEELERS BROKE THE FANS.

10. It sucked and there’s a really good chance this whole season is going to suck now that our team is depleted with injuries and the guys who are left … kinda suck. And the coaches suck.

Suck.

God help us next week when we play the Bengals and James Harrison.

He is going to hand us our ass with a big fat “f–k you” stapled to it.

Let us pray.

11. Meanwhile, over at PNC Park …

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(Matt Freed/P-G source)

[headdesk]





Countdown to winning


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robertoone

 

My God.

I’m going to scream loud enough to wake Myron Cope, then I’ll Koolaid-Man every wall in my house, then possibly run naked through the forest before falling to the ground while joy-weeping.

As one does.





Random n’at

UrbanGridded

1. If you haven’t yet, please scroll down or click here to see pictures of the $20,000 in technology upgrades we dropped off and installed at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh this week.

2. Reader Kathleen is running the Pittsburgh 1/2 Marathon for Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund.

If you’re looking for a charitable place to spread some good karma today, go throw in a few dollars for her? She only needs about $240 more to reach her goal!

For sick kids!

3. The Bucs are in second place. Half game out of first. They’ve won 12 of their last 16, I think. The best team in baseball, Atlanta, has only lost 6 games all season, and three of those were to the Pirates.

I’M JUST SAYING.

4.  Did you know you can buy Yinzer Bingo at Wildcard and another store that sells them, but I lost the name? There’s a K in the name? Anyone? Anyone? Zober?

Regardless, LOOK!

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These are created by John the Craftist, who is actually a woman. Look at some of the other amazing stuff she creates, many of which are greeting cards:

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I’m kind of in love with all of this and I wonder if there’s a Gemini one that says, “Witty. Passionate. Batshit Crazy.”

Anyway, I’ll be in Wildcard very soon to buy all the things.

5. Pigeons are assholes. And they smoke too. Look at this news photo from a 1989 edition of the Post-Gazette.

Click to embiggen and then read the caption.

The Pittsburgh Press   Google News Archive Search

Unreal. If today’s pigeons get wind of this, it is going to RAIN FIRE.

(h/t Jerry)

6. If you’re around Market Square next Friday morning …

Light of Life Rescue Mission is presenting former MLB player Sean Casey with the 3rd annual Locker Room Leadership Award at 9:30 a.m.  Sean is a former all-star baseball player for the Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds, Detroit Tigers, Boston Red Sox, and Cleveland Indians. Dennis Bowman will emcee, introducing former Steelers Tunch Ilkin and Craig Wolfley who will present Sean with the award.

I’ll be there hanging out for sure. Sean does amazing things for the homeless via Light of Life.

7. This is old, but shut up.

Pittsburgh leads the nation in people moving in.

Suck it, Portland.

8. Giant Eagle is grocery store Big Brother?

Also, people are STILL commenting on my pharmacy rant. My God.

9. Lukey went AWOL, said he never left the city, but apparently his press secretary thought he went to Bradenton at one point. 

That sounds right.

10. Pretty sure the P-G is going to endorse Wagner after reading this article. Why? Just scroll down and read the comment left by Matt Barron. The P-G very conveniently left out some HUGE names that endorsed Bill Peduto yesterday. 

[golf clap]

11. Headline: “Penguins Drop Second Straight.”

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Seriously. Two losses in a row. NBD.

12. The fountain is almost ready to go!

Here’s an image from today via Point Park TV’s twitter account:

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Cannot wait until I can take my kids for a stroll around the fountain again.

13. UNREAL TIMELAPSE OF FOG ROLLING INTO PITTSBURGH.

Also unreal? That WTAE used FOUR anchors to intro it. Hah!

But seriously … amazing video.

14. Mother’s Day!

I wrote about Pittsburgh Moms for the May magazine edition. A snippet:

Our conversations about the latest episode of “Greatest American Hero” turned to hushed whispers. There was no whining about elbows in ribs or bothersome jelly-shoe blisters. While we painfully swallowed our sneezes, our mom drove with her chin hovering 3 inches above the steering wheel and her hands locked in a death-grip. She’d hold this position until the wagon was safely parked — which is when she’d exhale and revoke the sacred Writ of Silentium Absolutus.

I didn’t appreciate it then, but I can see it now for what it was: My mother was doing something far outside of her comfort zone so that her girls could have nice clothes (that didn’t scream, “Five kids. One job. Hills is where the toys are.”).

And I also put together a Burghy Mother’s Day gift guide for you. Everything from Burgh-made jewelry, to an awesome Pirates iPhone case, to BYOB painting classes where Mom can paint her own Pittsburgh skyline, and LOTS more.

I mean, the Confluence necklace pictured up top of this post? Holy moly.

Check all the gift suggestions out here.

15. Finally, your amazing tweets: