That's Church

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1. I open my arms to Mother Nature, and this her last snow of the winter.

If however this is not her last snow of the winter, I open my hand to Mother Nature and I bitch slap her back to 2003.

Amen.

2. Lukey quit and I said goodbye by telling the story about the time he hugged me and I went, “WUT IS HAPPENING?!?!” 

Snippet:

I waited for the knife to puncture my back, but it never did. The man who for years was the target of my virtual finger wag … was hugging me … like he meant it. As we separated from the hug, I glanced around for flying pigs, but just saw my daughter circling around and around in her flying elephant. Had that ride featured soaring pigs instead of elephants, this story would be a million times more awesome.

He was there just being a dad, watching his son ride the turtles while I watched my daughter. Pretty sure it would have been a sign of The End Times if they had ended up in the same turtle.

What that day at Kennywood did was humanize him. For all of his shortcomings, he was a man. A father. A dad. DAMN IT.

3. I also wrote about Primanti’s going nationwide with its sandwiches.

Snippet:

POINT
We’re no longer going to be in the dark about how many fat grams, carbs, calories and cholesterol units are in each menu item. It’s easier to order a Kielbasa Egg and Cheese when you can fool yourself into believing you’re not consuming a two-month supply of Weight Watchers Points in one sitting. A national chain will need to publish the nutritional facts, and you and I are going to be faced with the artery-hardening truth.

COUNTERPOINT
Again, there is no counterpoint. No good can come from knowing. Either we take the “La-la-la-la, I can’t hear you!” route, or we start running ultra-marathons in the thousand-degree Australian outback to work off caloric content in the quadruple digits. I’m pretty sure you can guess which route I’ll be taking. *plops down on the couch*

4. From my former butler Woy’s Instagram:

As Woy said, “Best SOON horse ever.”

This is the SOON Horse if you don’t know your memes.

And these are my SOON pigeons who will soon be pecking out your eyeballs … SOON.

5. New Roberto Clemente documentary is coming soon. I never noticed the cloud wings behind him in that photo! Just wow. 

Can’t say this enough. All I want more than anything is for someone to stumble upon a few hours of footage of Clemente throwing to home and third from right field.

(h/t Jonathan)

6. Friday, March 8, local company cellhelmet will be featured on Shark Tank!

Remind me to check with these guys and find out why they don’t capitalize the C in their name.

Grammar anarchists.

7. Grammar Anarchists would be a kickass band name. I mean grammar anarchists would be a kickass band name. Or even gramMar aNARchiSts. “Stick it to The AP style mAn” would be their first single.

8. The correct pronunciation of Simon Despres is revealed and Yinzers everywhere are all, “You mean it’s NOT ‘Sigh-man Dess-press?!’”

9. Benkovitz Seafoods closed down in the midst of Lent and Bram has the tweet of the week about it:

@janepitt If you see massive Highlander lightening in the sky tonight, that’s Wholey’s becoming a fishgod.

— Bram Reichbaum (@Bram_R) March 6, 2013

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

10. I was the first to respond.

[awkward kung fu moves]

Also, that’s one of the new Pittsburgh blogs I’m reading. Love her style choices.

11. And this is the other … PGHBOX.com.

I am pretty much freaking out over this blog.

If you love Pittsburgh houses, this is basically porn. Take a note, @mrswoy. 

PGHBOX is a  place where you’ll see great Pittsburgh homes – new, rehabs, rented apartments, and old houses that have stood the test of time.  The plan is to show at least one space every two weeks.  This isn’t a design snob blog (although I spend a lot of time on those and probably couldn’t live without them), but a place to see real Pittsburghers who live in great spaces that work for them and just work.  

I’m dying over this Lawrenceville house.

And this Northside Door Tour. 

Like I said. House porn.  Look at this:

Just, SQUEEEEE! to all that.

P.S. Squeee To All That would be a kickass tween girl band name.

1. Oh my God. Don’t even get me started on this whole Mayor Luke fiasco. I can’t even comment on this until we actually know what the hell he has decided, if anything, about his future as mayor.

But I tell you this, if he had his staff send out pizza to the press who had been waiting for eight hours and who would continue to wait into the evening, knowing full well at the time that he had no intention of speaking to them that day … [awkward kung fu moves].

Because this?

With a bevy of cameras trained on the mayor’s door, Mr. Zober, keenly aware he was being watched, walked into the office carrying a guitar. Seconds later, he reappeared with a checkered flag.

In the evening, two of the mayor’s aides delivered pizza to the media, but refused to say anything about the mayor’s whereabouts or whether a news conference was imminent. By 7 p.m., the lights in the office had darkened.

Sounds suspiciously like they were just effing with the media yesterday.

And if they were? Grow up. It’s a FREAKING CITY YOU ALL ARE RUNNING. Not a sideshow.

Gawd.

2. Just bought this amazing Christopher Nix print of Roberto:

Amazing.

3. Pittsburgh the next home of an official Lingerie League team?

The teams go by names like Steam, Charm, Heart, Bliss, Sin, Mist and Temptation.

I’m sorry. I just can’t take it seriously. It’s like pudding wrestling without the pudding.

4. Speaking of!

5. The city’s St. Patrick’s Day parade has an official shirt!

So does Las Velas.

5. Time to start getting your teams together for the Greater Pittsburgh Literacy Council Trivia Bowl!

6. And time to help our local middle school girls who need help affording pads and tampons.

On The Spot is back! Eat all the cookies!

7. What in the actual hell?

Laziest. Pigeon. Ever.

(h/t Ian)

8. Letter writing weekend! Return to your pre-email roots and write some letters on some awesome stationery. Send one to your grandma.

There’s one on Saturday and one on Sunday.

9. Jory Rand takes a hit from Brooks Orpik, and not a bong hit. A BOOM! hit.

But it’s a baby hit, so maybe not so much “BOOM!” and more “pew pew.”

[pew pew], Jory.

10. Troysus continues to Troysus his Troysusness. This time by helping two step-sisters who were victims of bullying.

Troysus for Pope 2013.

(h/t Jocelyn)

11. From the “Move Ya Jagoff” people comes Heinz verus Hunts:

12. I should have to turn in my Burgher card for how much I sucked at this game, “Click that ‘hood!” 

Make me feel better about myself and let me know how shitty you did.

Unless you did well, then just keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a braggart.

(h/t Jerry)

My husband and I don’t have one of those agreements that states should either party have an opportunity to have sexual relations with a famous person, these are the three people, AND THE ONLY THREE PEOPLE ON EARTH, we are permitted to … well … do.

This post is already fun!

I’ve never really thought about it, but now that I’m sitting here doing nothing but thinking about it, I’d have to say for certain my list would look like this, in no particular order of desirableness to … well … do.

1. Adam Levine, of course. 
2. Ryan Gosling, of course.
3. One Direction.

HAHAHAH! You should see the look on your face.

Actually, my last pick? Easily Jon Bon Jovi.

Not Jon Bon Jovi back in the 80s:

No. No to the frizzed out hair. No to the eyeliner. No to the “come do me” look. Which isn’t it ironic that he’s BEGGING me to go and have sex with him and “lay my hands on him” and I’m like, “Um. EW?”

No, I never really loved Jon Bon Jovi until he became this:

And then I was like, “I will lay my hands on you in a blaze of glory on a bed of roses, HOT STUFF.”

When he became THIS, I took notice and started buying his CDs and listening to them nonstop.

It was then that I loved him. Every song. Every note. Every “lay your hands on me” look. Maybe I was too young in the 80s to appreciate the hair and the tight jeans and the yell-iness. I preferred the smooth locks and faint wrinkles and deep soul that came with maturity. That’s when he became … well … doable.

THIS POST IS SUPER PANDA FUN TIMES! And it has a point.

I was contacted by AEG telling me that in honor of the Bon Jovi: Because We Can concert happening at the CONSOL tomorrow, Thursday, they’d like to offer my readers a gift. And boy, if you’re a Bon Jovi fan, this is a fantastic gift.

What: The entire Bon Jovi band, including Jon, will autograph two of these tour posters in silver or gold Sharpie and two lucky readers will be chosen at random to receive them.

AEG will mail the posters to the winners.

Concert info: If you’re wanting to see Jon’s “come lay your hands on me” face in person, you’ll want to get your tickets through Ticketmaster via this link.  The concert is tomorrow at CONSOL Energy Center. The show begins at 7:30 p.m.  

How to enter: Well, you can just shout out your favorite Bon Jovi Song, or you can be brave and tell me the three people that are on YOUR list. Or do both.  You have until noon tomorrow to enter, at which time Random.org will pick the two lucky winners. Imagine one of these autographed posters framed and hanging in your office or man-cave!

Go enter and good luck.

Fine print that’s the same size as all the other print: In exchange for posting this, AEG has provided me with two tickets to this concert. I was going to give them away to one of you, because I feel super awkward at concerts, but my husband indicated that it would be solid grounds for divorce. SORRY! Also, I’m pretty sure this is what I look like during rock concerts:

1. It was at PF Chang’s recently, in the Waterfront, celebrating my sister in law’s birthday, that my kindergartener daughter began to experience some stomach discomfort. And by “stomach discomfort” I mean “a sudden onset of explosive diarrhea.” Or if you’re my sister Ta-Ta the Giant Breasted Poobah reading aloud in the fifth grade, you say “Dye-ah-hare-ah.” I probably shouldn’t make fun of her though, because in fourth grade while reading aloud I said “Mardi Grass” and boy, kids are cruel.

Anyway, as we prepared to leave the restaurant, my son pointed to his younger sister and asked, “What’s wrong with her?” to which I replied discreetly, “She’s just not feeling well. We need to go home now.” And my daughter shouted at the top of her lungs in the crowded PF Chang’s dining room, “YEAH! I HAVE DIARRHEA!”

So my point is, if you were trying to enjoy your dinner last Sunday at PF Changs and some half-Mexican whippersnapper started shouting about diarrhea … she’s mine.

You can’t have her.

2. Mayor Luke’s campaign communications director was wanted. And I don’t mean wanted to be hired. I mean he was wanted by the LAW.

Someone should hire me as a campaign consultant so I can impart wisdom such as this: “No member of your staff should have outstanding warrants for their arrest unless they were charged with killing pigeons, in which case, GET ON WITH THEY BAD SELF.”

Also, this guy is 24. What does a 24-year-old know about running the communications for the re-election campaign of a mayor of a major city?! Get off my lawn and go buy me some Werthers, gosh darn it. The adults are talking. [shakes cute little cane]

3. Everyone who donates from now until $6,500 is entered to randomly win my Geno bobblehead! Geno wants you to help the sick kids.

Email proof of your recent donation to virginia[at] thatschurch.com to be eligible.

4. Here’s the VCR the kids and families of the Children’s Home share. That’s right VCR. It looks like it’s a combo, but as you can see almost all of their movies (and there aren’t many!) are on VHS. We have got to fix that for them. They need bigger TVs! More movies! More smiles! And come April when we install all of the new technology, you’re going to want to be able to say you pitched in a few bucks to help.

That’s not even Ice Age 2 or 3. That’s the FIRST Ice Age movie. And there have been like three new Disney princesses since Pocahontas! Ugh. We need to fix this, you guys.

5. DVE’s Randy Baumann is putting on a show at the Thunderbird Cafe on March 1, and since he’s my fake radio boyfriend, I’ll be there. You should support him too. Tickets are hella affordable.

6. Pittsburgh has a new downtown comedy theater and tonight Pittsburgh Dad himself is cutting the ceremonial ribbon along with director extraordinaire Chris Preksta. Wish I could be there to give Pittsburgh Dad and his boss big yinzer hugs.

Learn more about the Arcade Theater here. There’s a whole bunch of awesome kickoff events happening!

7. Warren Buffett’s group bought H.J. Heinz for upwards of ALL OF GOD’S MONEY and all of Pittsburgh is asking, “BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAAAAAN?!”

But I’m asking, “Does EVERYTHING need its own Terrible Towel?”

8. Lost historic buildings of Pittsburgh.

You know I’ll be sucked into an internet wormhole researching some of these. BRB never.

(h/t JJ)

9. Jamie and Ali are up for a $5,000 grant from Tell Us World. Please click the “Love It” button if you love them like I do.

10. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(source)

Wish is was a pigeon, but no matter what, Car Grill Owls is a great band name.

11. Pittsburgh is getting a new area code because we’re almost out of 412s and 724s. Welcome the 878s.

I already don’t answer my phone for 800s or 888s or 877s or 866s. So if you call me from the very similar 878s, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

Your calls are never getting answered.

12. Pittsburgh getting an NBA team maybe?

Can they be called the Bees?

Black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.

12. Now go donate. Be a part of something bigger than yourself. Throw the karma boomerang out there loaded up with positivity and just watch what it brings back to you.

It’s Valentine’s Day! Please give some love to the sick kids at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh by donating via the “DONATE” button in the sidebar. We’re so close to our goal!

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I was invited by the Carnegie Museum of Art to judge their first ever CAKEitecture competition, which teamed up five local bakeries with five local architecture firms or organizations to create amazing cakes that pay tribute to architecture in some way, as the event was a celebration of the Heinz Architectural Center’s 20th anniversary.

I have got to show you these cakes!

1. This is Fallingwater, as cake.

LIT FROM WITHIN.

The cake was done by Prantl’s and Loysen + Kreuthmeier Architects.  The stones and cake? Prantl’s almond torte. It was the unanimous choice as the winner among us three judges because it was equally a stunning tribute to architecture and super effing delicious.

2. However, this was my other most favorite. Dozen Bake Shop/Young Architect’s Forum’s Mister Rogers/Pittsburgh cake that took 100 man-hours to plan, bake, and assemble. Trolley really worked and played the familiar Trolley tune.

3. This is the Sydney Opera House done by one of my most favorite bakeries Gluuteny, partnered with The Design Alliance:

The only thing I didn’t like on this was that the cake was chocolate, and I just don’t like chocolate cake. But the other two judges tried it, died, went to heaven, came back and said, “You can dock it if you think it’s ugly and you can dock it if you think it generally tastes terrible, but you CANNOT DOCK POINTS FOR IT BEING CHOCOLATE.”

FINE! [pouts]

4. This is the Motor Square Gardent/Market Building in East Liberty. The dome had stunning detail work on it, and the other two judges, both architects, really favored this one more than I did. Also, there was chocolate in this cake too. DOCKED. [gobbles some almond torte]

You can see a picture of the building here.

5. And finally, this one we called “The Modern House”. Wait, maybe this was the other one with chocolate in it. DOCKED.

I had planned to go through and take additional and better photos of the cakes, but the crowd arrived and holy crap, there were like a thousand people in there:

After the judge’s choices were announced, with Fallingwater taking first, the East Liberty building taking second, and Mister Rogers/Pittsburgh taking third, the People’s Choice was announced to be the Mister Rogers/Pittsburgh cake, which made sense as there were people 20 deep around that cake all night.

It was a great event, and FREE. If they have it again next year, be sure to visit the cakes.

And if they ask me to judge again next year, I hope my name tag will say “The Chocolate Docking Judge.”

Man, The Chocolate Docking Judges would be a great band name.