Category Archives: Random
Does the anti-liquor privatization lobby make you want to punch faces like it makes me want to punch faces?
Then you’re in for a real treat because have you seen this commercial?
“So . . . *attempt at a confused look* . . . politicians want booze sold in stores where kids and teens go . . .?”
Wait. Wait just a minute. Are we supposed to leave our kids and teens in our cars when we go into the state liquor stores?! Crap. I’ve been just walking in to buy wine with my kids in tow. I let them look at the wine bottles. I am so embarrassed by this incredible parenting fail. Next time I’ll leave them in the car. Don’t worry. I’ll crack the window a bit because God forbid a child be in the presence of retail-ready alcohol containers. They could just grab one off the shelf and guzzle it down before you can say “Yo Gabba Gabba.”
It is so ridiculous and almost embarrassing for the union.
Remember when Huffington Post named Prantl’s Burnt Almond Torte “the greatest cake America has ever made?”
Well my family put that to the test recently by pitting Prantl’s versus Oakmont Bakery’s burnt almond torte cake.
Partygoers crowded around the person taking the test. We watched in absolute silence. We waited breathlessly for each decision as if Maury Povich was about to read paternity results. “When it comes to this cake . . . OAKMONT IS YOUR CHOICE!” *wild cheering and incredulous weeping*
Soon, it was tied. Siblings divided. Marriages splintering before our very eyes. We were so desperate for a winner that we attempted to have a 9-month-old baby cast a vote, but she just inhaled both pieces of cake and burped. What good are you, baby? We’re trying to do science here.
We were eyeing the dog as a possible voter, when we realized there was one cousin who hadn’t yet taken the test. This was it. The tie-breaker. For truth. For science. For cake.
He tasted. Chewed. Swallowed. Tasted. Chewed. Swallowed. Silence.
JUST TELL US ALREADY, MAURY!
Happy Memorial Day!
I’m turning 40 next week!
[CRIES ALL THE BITTER TEARS!]
1. I ranted.
I was heard.
I’ve got lots of local media folks pissed with me now.
But I 100% stand by what I wrote. Sometimes I write a rant and then a month later I’ll go back and read it and be like, “Bitch, who peed in your jar of Nutella? You need a chill pill the size of a horse tranquilizer.”
But this one? No. It’s 100% church and I 100% will fight for what I wrote.
[awkward kung fu moves]
2. Haitian Families First linked up kids in Haiti to be picture pen pals with kids at Sto-Rox Elementary, the Brashear Association, Grandview Elementary, Quaker Valley Middle School, and Shady Side Middle School and they’re selling some of the art to benefit their programs that work to keep families together in Haiti.
Details here. I’ll be there. BUYING ALL THE THINGS. If you bring your kid, they can create artwork that will get sent back to Haitian children in the HFF programs.
3. If you’re a Frozen fan (you are; you just don’t know it yet), then you’re going to love this episode of Pittsburgh Dad. I cannot choose my favorite line, but I’m leaning toward, “Dump a bag of rock salt on her. Movie over.” or “Don’t be a deer” or “Cut open the reindeer like a Tauntaun and throw her in ‘at!” So much goodness!
4. I bet the bomb squad just royally screwed up some poor Art Institute film student’s final project.
6. Golf Edgewood; raise money for kids with cancer. Win win.
7. Did you know that marathon weekend includes an official pet walk that benefits Animal Rescue League? I would take my dog for this walk, but he is 15, his teeth are falling out, he’s mostly blind, mostly deaf, and just the meanest little old man you ever met. You best get off his lawn before he burns you with his ancient pee.
8. I wrote about the hilarity that ensued at my cookie-table-less, hokey-pokey-less wedding in Mexico. Here’s a picture from it.
That’s the face of a man who at that moment realized what he got himself into. How do you say, “Oh, shit” in Spanish?
9. I also published my 2014 Burghy Mother’s Day Gift Guide! If you haven’t shopped for mom yet, snag her one of these ten Burghy gifts. Most all of them are locally made. Click the photo to be whisked away to the list:
I published this and then my mother went out and shopped the list, buying stuff off of it for herself, even an item I already purchased for her for Mother’s Day.
She’s doing it wrong.
10. Guys, when I started this blog, I was 32. A young woman. Sorta. Mother of one. Married six years.
I will be turning 40 next month. I’m a mother of two and on Cinco de Mayo, I’ll have been married for 14 years. I feel like if you’ve been reading me since the beginning, you’ve watched me grow up a bit here. Sorta.
I wrote about what turning 40 means to me and what it means for my relationship with Pittsburgh.
I am officially middle-aged. Mid-life. Half-death.
I no longer can gush about the new hottie on the Pirates, Penguins or Steelers teams without sounding like a cradle-robbing cougar. I’d rather be labeled anything than that. Even a “tunnel-braker.”
I now have two churches. The new one is the wrinkle-cream aisle at Target. The Sunday-paper circular is my Bible, and Olay is my god.
All hail Olay.
11. Your hilarious tweets as of late:
Grammar is important. Even in fortune cookies. pic.twitter.com/hF8G1Ei9QD
— Zach Frailey (@UprootedPhotos) April 26, 2014
No one looks more gay than straight guys in their engagement photos.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) April 25, 2014
I don't care how good your waffle taco is, people don't turn left in the morning. They only turn right and stop if it's on the way.
— Chris Lovett (@_chrislovett) April 25, 2014
Next time i go to starbucks, I'm going to tell them that my name is john jacob jingleheimer schmidt.
— Mr. Chachi Says (@chachisays) April 24, 2014
Just to see if anyone says Hey thats my name too!
— Mr. Chachi Says (@chachisays) April 24, 2014
I love living in a world where Chris Brown is in jail.
— Janelle Sheetz (@LittleJanelleS) April 24, 2014
Everything always has a new look, and some people feel things about it.
— Geoff Barnes (@texburgher) April 23, 2014
YO ADRIAN! pic.twitter.com/a9OV7a8yDl
— Steve Braband (@stevebraband) April 22, 2014
Pens need to call Geico because they need some INSURANCE Awesome tweet
— Christopher Fafalios (@chrisfafalios) April 22, 2014
i don't see the big deal, EVERY moon is a blood moon if the phases sync up with your menses
— sarah james (@cryingbaseball) April 15, 2014
Ok this game someone catch a foul ball IN BETWEEN A HOT DOG BUN.
— Sean Conboy (@SeanConPM) April 6, 2014
1. I’ll be taking the thermometer down tomorrow, but you can still donate if you want to be part of this year’s effort to bring gaming to three units within Children’s Hospital. After tomorrow, I’ll tell Woy, “Hey. I tried to take the thermometer off the sidebar and I think I screwed something up with [fingerquotes] widgets because I accidentally deleted my blog.”
Also, it was reader Brian who won the Pirates prize pack. I’m delivering it to him today!
2. Speaking of the Pirates, they are doing just fantastic this preseason because this is the year, and you’re like, “Last year was the year, Ginny.” And I’m all, “Last year was the year for a winning season. This year is the year for the … WORLD SERIES.”
Let me believe, you dream crusher and spirit squasher and hope hater.
Probably for sure 100% maybe going in this year’s Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide.
4. Also, Andrew pointed out that Bill Peduto had a scheduled 30-minute phone call with Pittsburgh rapper Mac Miller not too long ago.
Because why not?
5. This happened way back on Christmas and I forgot to post it, but I must. A photo of a driver fleeing a Parkway East crash.
Men of Earth, pull up your pants.
6. My self-united bestie Matt Lamanna discovered a new dinosaur, called it “the chicken from hell” and the national media is enthralled.
That’s one way Matt Lamanna describes Anzu wyliei, the species of dinosaur that he and fellow paleontologists unveiled Wednesday.
It’s not the only way, though. Feathered demon also works, which is why Anzu — derived from Sumerian mythology — was chosen as a name. Or you could characterize it, as Lamanna also told CNN, as a 600-pound cross between an ostrich and a velociraptor. And it’s “pretty damn close” to looking like the 6-foot-tall turkey a child famously referred to in the movie “Jurassic Park,” except a lot stranger and meaner looking.
7. Pittsburghers text while driving more than any other city in Pennsylvania, including those bastards suffering their lives away in Philadelphia.
I’m just going to say this to you if you feel you must send a text while driving:
“Siri, send a message to [name].”
“What would you like to say to [name]?”
“I’m on my way be there in five minutes.”
“Would you like me to send the message now?”
“Read it to me.”
“Your message to [name] says, ‘I’m on my way. Be there in five minutes.’ Would you like me to send it?”
“Okay. I sent your message.”
You honestly never need to look at your phone while driving if you have an iPhone. Just talk to Siri.
Unless you’re my husband, whose accent Siri just cannot figure out.
“Siri, send a message.”
“David, say focus for me.”
8. This is so cool. Reader Zachary discovered that if you do street view on Market Square and then drop yourself right in the center of the Square, Google Maps will go from present day Market Square to the old Market Square when the road went right down the middle.
I had fun poking around.
9. Here’s another cool pic, sent by Jarrett Rathke, taken by his father Bob Rathke in 1960. Derailed incline:
STUFF. OF. NIGHTMARES.
10. I wrote a bunch of stuff:
“In fact, a quick search of social media has users describing their coffee, hair and “day at school” as epic. You know what? Unless Barack Obama, Bono and Justin Timberlake were there to lead your trig class in the Funky Chicken before handing out giant bags of cash, I promise your school day wasn’t even in the same hemisphere as epic.”
They used “about half a dozen” to mean five because no one cares about five cars, but you can fool people into caring if it’s “about half a dozen” cars. For the same reason, you’re more likely to pay $19.99 than you are to pay $20 for something. For the same reason you won’t say, “I ate about half a dozen cookies” but will instead say, “I ate only five cookies.” It’s psychology. Or persuasive semantics. Or a sick cookie addiction brought on by those enablers at the Girl Scouts of America.
Perhaps you recognize it as the corner window from the second story of the old Wallace Building in East Liberty that recently was transformed into residential space. It’s painted with “Happy B-Day, Julia” — a sentiment that remained on the window for almost 10 years and became a sort of a public art display for those who strolled past.
That post. You gotta read the comments. Bunch of people lost their shit. And not in the good way. One chick on Twitter was so unhappy with me, she even posted that she would “stab that bitch.”
In honor of once again reaching the Make Room for Kids goal, and surpassing it by a whopping $600 this year, it’s time for me to reveal an embarrassing picture from my sordid past as a Supremely Awkward Being.
I’m still a Supremely Awkward Being, but I’ve learned to internalize it under a candy-coated shell of hair, makeup, drugstore product, and Target clothes.
Underneath, inside, deep down, I’m awkward, shy, weird, odd, uncomfortable … I’m this:
I … I’m sorry. I’ll give you a moment to compose yourself.
I don’t know where to start. Is this Photoshop? Did I really look like this? Dress like this? Believe this to be an acceptable appearance even if it was the 90s?
Yes, 1995. I can’t even use the excuse that I was a teenager. I was 21 in this picture. Drinking age. Maybe I was drunk?
I wasn’t drunk. I’ve only been drunk two times in my life, and this wasn’t one of them.
Maybe it was Halloween and I was going as Slash going as Harry Potter if Harry Potter were in a Mexican street gang? I mean, why is my shirt buttoned all the way up? Why am I wearing a bandana over my ridiculously large hair that right this moment Troy Polamalu is looking at and going, “It’s a bit … much, yes? Maybe some Moroccan hair oils could help?”
Look at my twin sisters. They look so normal. Then look at me. Now look at them. Now back to me. We look about as blood related as you and your dog.
Am I grunge? Am I a Crip? A Hogwart? A Shark? Am I packing a Nirvana cassette, a sawed off shotgun, a broomstick, or a vicious set of musical finger snaps in my belt?
We’ll never know. But we know this for sure … there’s pretty much nothing I won’t do for sick kids.
Thank you for donating, retweeting, sharing, and everything else you all did to make the $10,000 happen.
I can’t wait to show you in April what your donations made possible for Pittsburgh’s sick kids.
Your Pittsburgh Pirates have generously donated to Make Room for Kids a prize pack chock full of goodies including game tickets and an autographed Pedro Alvarez baseball.
And instead of shoving these things into my closet while hissing “my preciousssssssssss,” I am going to be a good person and give the prize pack away to one lucky reader.
You can enter by commenting. I’ll keep this giveaway open until the moment the $10,000 is raised at which time random.org will pick a lucky winner who will receive:
- Pirates Cooler bag filled with:
- Pirates replica BP hat
- Starling Marte Fat Head
- Andrew McCutchen Bobblehead
- Raise the Jolly Roger Flag
- Pirates t-shirt
- Pirates wine set
- Pirates beach mat
- Pirates Tervis Tumbler travel mug
- 4 tickets to a Mon-Thurs game (except Opening Day)
- Autographed Pedro Alvarez baseball
I don’t know what the value of all this stuff would be, but I’m conservatively guessing it’s about four million dollars.
Keep them all for yourself. Dish them out as gifts throughout the year. Let your kids fight like Zappalas and Ories over them.
And since I am being so kind as to give this stuff away, PLEASE PLEASE donate a few bucks so our sick kids in the CICU, trauma, and ortho units at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh can receive a multimedia overhaul that will bring them gaming and distractions.
If you donated today before we switched the contest to comment to win, no worries. You’re entered! Good luck!