Category Archives: Sidney Crosby
1.I’m on a low-carb diet since my return from Mexico AKA EAT ALL THE THINGSICO, so today I ate 10 cookies.
As one does when one is on a low-carb diet.
Tomorrow I’ll probably eat a half dozen donuts.
I’m really good at dieting.
2. God bless Munch at the P-G for finding that Roman Bistro in Forest Hills has an absolute over-the-top, ear shattering, Spongebob-esque website.
Just … shhh.
And don’t get me started on the apostrophes and quotation marks.
3. Sid almost choked to death on a cheese stick.
Does he need mouth-to-mouth, do you know?
4. Tim McGraw kissed a local woman’s bald head and awwwww and LOOK AT HIS GUNS, YOU GUYS.
I don’t think I’ve ever used this word on this blog in my, what, eight years of blogging, but DAY-UM.
They have lost their DAY-UM minds.
6. This is the truthiest thing ever:
God bless you.
7. The Republican nominee for Pittsburgh Mayor, Josh Wander, is a doomsday prepper with a PREPPER license plate and an appearance on Doomsday Preppers in which we get to see his whole family shooting guns and shit.
Doomsday prepping is the new face tattoos.
9. I put this on my Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but if you missed it, how my local Dairy Queen spells Iginla:
10. While we’re talking Instagram, my favorite Friends episode was on this week, so I had to mark it:
11. Can Burghers go too far in their love of our city?
Yes, they can. When they refuse to acknowledge its flaws.
A snippet of my latest Pittsburgh Magazine column:
We must not allow ourselves to become blind to Pittsburgh’s flaws; that’s no healthier than a parent ignoring the shortcomings of a child. Spend a decade coddling little Suzie, never addressing her faults, letting her get away with everything, becoming angry when anyone dares to criticize her — and before you know it, you’re bailing 16-year-old “Suze” out of juvie for using her 4-inch stiletto to go Bad Girls Club on a classmate who insulted her ombre dye job.
My original text said “ombre dye job as ‘Yinzery.'”
Go have a read, and then be sure to read the comments. Always a good time in the comments.
Enter sarcasm emoticon here.
12. And your awesome tweets as of late:
Just had to look up sore to make sure it meant achy, rather than fly. Dear god. What will Wednesday bring.
— Terra McBride (@spicymeatball) May 22, 2013
Teaching 7th grade today. Plan to skateboard in with a boombox on my shoulder.
— Jesse Landis-Eigsti (@jlandiseigsti) May 22, 2013
Even though he lost, I bet AJ Richardson is still going to drink all the 40s he bought for his victory party.
— Bill Crawford (@dveBillCrawford) May 22, 2013
Jack Wagner rips open a pack of Polident and sighs
— Jim Shireman (@shireman) May 22, 2013
Looks like I picked the wrong day to get face tats.
— Jonathan Wander (@JMWander) May 22, 2013
choosy moms choose to kick you in the taint if you dont pronounce it jif
— psamp (@psamp) May 21, 2013
Mailman caught me grilling shirtless. Face melted like a nazi looking at Ark of the Covenant. But on the plus side: no bills today!
— Mr. theMoon (@Sheepthemoon) May 21, 2013
This city figures out all the places you’d love to make a U-turn and deliberately puts up a “no U-turn” sign just to drive ya nuts!
— Pittsburgh Dad (@Pittsburgh_Dad) May 18, 2013
(Chef at Light of Life Rescue Mission holding donated forks)
1. Oh. My. God.
Who would have thought one little Giant Eagle pharmacy rant would result in the madness it did and in the criticism toward me that it did?
You’ve got to go read the comments; you’d think I wrote a post about how we should kill all the puppies.
Oh, and I didn’t even include the part about how that was the second time that day I had tried to pick up that prescription, as they claimed the first time that they didn’t have it and they sent me away.
Anyway, KILL ALL THE PUPPIES. AND THE EAGLES WHILE WE’RE AT IT.
2. Speaking of birds, the Aviary hatched a new owl chick, and when I think baby owls I think this:
I was wrong, though, because theirs is a baby EAGLE owl.
I looked into its eyes for ten seconds and I can tell you in no uncertain terms …
… that thing wants to kill me.
Why are birds so evil?
3. The first mayoral TV-spot is out and it is Bill Peduto’s and I kind of love it. Well done.
4. Speaking of mayoral candidates, Jake Wheatley’s entire campaign site doesn’t have a single picture of him on it. Not even the “About Jake” page.
And AJ Richardson not only has a DUI, a prior arrest, face tattoos, and the penchant for referring to himself in the third person,but his website has autoplay.
When are these mayoral candidates going to ask my advice about fixing their shit? I mean, what does “skillful in morality” even mean?
Lukey would have been mayor for life if he would have brought me on board years ago to run the Office of Church.
5. Ay caramba, Penn Avenue Fish Company.
(h/t Woozle on Twitter)
6. The PensBlog boys have a gif of Sidney Crosby not blinking for 15 straight seconds during last night’s game.
You know who else does that?
7. Hadouken fights are the best Internet thing since the Rickroll, and this one from the Scarehouse made me pee a little it’s so awesome:
You gotta see the whole set from the “fight.” So perfect.
I hate that zombie. And that bunny. They look harmless until you’re standing in a scary room in the dark and their noses are three millimeters from your neck, and you hear them inhale. [shudder]
8. Does hadouken really work?
I hope so.
Because I’m going to try it on the pigeons in Market Square.
[awkward kung fu moves] [HADOUKEN!]
9. Jamie and Ali McMutrie have HUGE news in that they won the prestigious Norman Borlaug Humanitarian Award!
They were flown to Las Vegas to accept the award in front of a crowd of 4,000. They’re having a free reception to celebrate on April 18 in East Liberty. They’ll be giving away Pens playoff tickets there too!
10. If you’re looking for an easy way to give back to the community, I have it for you. The Light of Life Rescue Mission on the North Side is in need of forks for their meal services to the homeless. That’s it!
Not plasticware, as they like to reuse, but any old, mismatched forks you might have around the house can be dropped off at the mission on the North Side. I did it and it takes five seconds to hand them over at the front desk.
11. Pittsburgh is the new Hollywood, as a new A&E series will be both set here, and filmed here.
But the device attached to the man’s body wasn’t a bomb at all. He took road flares and taped them to his chest. He then stuck an iPod earbud up his nose and ran the cord down to the flares.
Can you just picture this idiot coming up with this plan? Taping the flares to his chest, looking at himself in the mirror all, “How can I make this look even MORE realistic? iPOD EARBUD UP THE NOSE, GENIUS!”
13. Finally, some awesome Pittsburgh tweets:
Newest douchey work term: “Searchandising”.
— Pat Stack (@pat_stack) April 9, 2013
The bad news for Pittsburghers, is that the Penguin game ended just in time for the start of the Pirate game.
— patrick muldowney (@patmuldowney) April 10, 2013
Thatcher’s middle name Hilda was not her birth name; she absorbed it from the first of many vampires she killed as a teenager.
— Stephen Harkleroad (@americancrank) April 8, 2013
The clothes cyclists wear, that’s a joke right?
— Jordan W(@JordanWads) April 6, 2013
Just ran into the “hot” substitute teacher from high school. I told her it was my 40th birthday & she literally cried.
— Topher Berg (@pantster) April 5, 2013
Ray shero looks at the Nhl player list like he’s going through baseball cards. ” Need it, Need it, need it, Got It, need it, got it.”
— It’sa Me, Chachio! (@chachisays) April 3, 2013
I call places to get put on hold. Where else do you hear Beethoven? #Culture
— Flick (@FlickFM) April 11, 2013
The 17 year cicada’s are gonna come back this year and be like, “The Pirates still haven’t had a fucking winning season?”
— RandyBaumann WDVE (@DVERandy) April 11, 2013
So many posts today! But the good stuff keeps rolling in.
CROSBY TEARS – $6.50 : STRONG ALE (8.7%ABV)… WHINE-LIKE IN “HONOR” OF ITS NAMESAKE… ORANGE HUED LIKE THE TEAM THAT SENT HIM HOME FOR THE SUMMER… THE PERFECT COMPLEMENT TO A PLAYOFF RUN
I can’t even retort that, it’s so genius. I wish a local bar had thought to have a Brady Tears beer. I’d be drunk ALL THE TIME IN EVERY WAY FOR EVER AFTER AMEN.
But, yeah, my hate grows. My kingdom to the person who brings me any Flyer’s balls on a stick.
(h/t Julie C-K)
1. I never go to the symphony, but classical music always gives me goosebumps and I wonder why I don’t go to the symphony? My brother-in-law Muchacho, who Tina Fey refers to as the Sports Idiot Savant, is a classical music fan, so in his car he’s either listening to The Fan, or Beethoven. So he’ll appreciate this. Go check out a new post over at Pittsburgh Magazine featuring the four finalists in the PSO’s online soloist hunt.
I’m not revealing my favorite until Manfred Honeck chooses the winner, but who is yours?
Also, as indicated in the post, is it weird that I can still play the Star Wars theme on a recorder? Something I learned in THIRD GRADE?
2. Hockey season is over. This is probably old, but it’s new to me. And it is magnificent.
I literally cannot stop watching it. Somebody needs to pay me to watch it because I’m so good at it.
Also, raise your hand if you just said something in your head about Kris Letang and poking and “mmmrowr.”
3. If you’re a pet lover, you will love this event. $35 gets you a 10-minute portrait session with photographer Nicole Begley at West Park in the North Side. The event is June 9, all day, and it benefits the Western Pennsylvania Humane Society.
Somebody bring a baby hedgehog to the shoot and then send me the pictures please! I need more baby hedgehogs in my life.
I’ve named him Schmoopsie and he is my bunnybumpkin.
Did you just die from cute?
4. Let’s take a vote. Who is the scumiest scum of the earth?
Anyone who would tamper with a school bus to the point that the wheels fall off and endanger the lives of dozens and dozens of innocent children?
Anyone who would vandalize a park dedicated to an officer of the law who was gunned down in cold blood while serving in the line of duty?
Ah, screw it. They both can win!
Assholes like that should receive in the mail every single day a postcard with Mister Rogers’ face on it and the words, “That wasn’t very neighborly of you.”
5. Speaking of Mister Rogers, I’m super excited for this.
I’m also hopeful to have an interview up soon with the director of Mister Rogers & Me. Like Roberto Clemente, if all you know about Mister Rogers is the very basics, I cannot encourage you enough to dig a little deeper into his life. It is an amazing, uplifting, affirming story in every single way.
Those men are better than self-united husbands. They’re my heroes.
6. Market Square has $5 valet parking now! And no, it’s not just for patrons of Market Square. It’s simply an effort to bring more people into downtown to spend money. Every day starting at 5 p.m., you can leave your car at the valet in Market Square until midnight for $5. No dealing with garages or lots or meters. Give it a try, says this Market Square business owner with a vested interest!
7. If you’re not one of the ten million viewers to the new Dark Knight Rises trailer that was posted just five days ago, here you go!
I’m excited! To see the mayor fall into a pit of doom! Just kidding, Lukey.
8. My new addiction. The Pittsburgh History Journal!
9. Pittsburgh was the only city to gain private sector jobs over the last four years of 16 cities that were in this benchmark study.
(h/t Popcity for the link and Angry Mongo for the graphic)
10. Remember Pedro Alvarez? He of the .064 batting average? He who I kept saying to, “Just swing, Pedro!” He who I prayed Roberto would lead down the path to awesomeness?
In just the last six games, he is batting .478 with eight RBIs!
But unfortunately, like the Cheese Touch, you can’t seem to get rid of Pirate Suck; you can only pass it on to someone else and Pedro passed it on to A.J. Burnett who went from a 1.38 ERA to a 8.34 in ONE GAME.
I just can’t stand it.
The thing about that song is once you start it, you can’t stop.
Still I can’t let go. It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I be–
Okay. I’ll stop. But you’re totally singing it in your head now. Mwah-hahaha! I’m coining this the Boyz II Men virus. You’ve been infected. There is no cure.
This post is weird. I’m not drunk either. Just sad.
We’ve come to the end of the road for the Penguins 2011-2012 hockey season and we did it in one of the worst possible ways we could. To the Flyers. [patooie] [stabs the Hartnell voodoo doll in the crotch with a rusty shiv].
I have a lot of anger.
The only thing that would have been worse would be losing four games in a row to the Flyers [PATOOIE!].
So that’s my comfort. We scared them a little bit. We made them play two more games than they needed to. We wore them out a bit for their next opponent. We got in their heads for a moment in time.
And that is little comfort when they’re gloating in this fashion:
(h/t to Mikey for finding this)
Oh, the gut punch. It hurts.
Yesterday hurt. It was painful to watch. My father came over for dinner last night and as we chatted about the game I asked him if he watched it, as he believes he is a jinx and if he watches it, we’ll lose. Yes, my father, the minister who believes in the Bible and God and a higher power and predetermination is no different from any other Burgher who believes something as small as their eyeballs on the screen or their chosen seat on the couch will alter the outcome of a professional sporting event. It’s awesome.
He said, “No. After church I was on my way home from the hospital after visiting there and I heard the score was 4-1 and I shut the radio off. I knew it was over.”
I said, “It was painful to watch. And so frustrating. It was like trying to start a car with a dead battery. You keep trying and trying and turning that key and hoping and praying something would sputter to life, but then nothing happens. It’s dead. And you sit there and you cry and you sob and you shake your fist at the sky and WHY, GOD, WHY?! … WHY?!?!?! [blink] I need all the wine.”
I may have overreacted.
But isn’t that what YOU watched in this game? A team that kept turning the key — a team that wanted SO VERY BADLY for that engine to rev up so they could step on the gas and get going — and can we just stop for a second and talk about that? I think my least favorite phrase in all of sports other than “We’ll be back after these messages with Mike Milbury’s take on the game” is “they wanted it more.”
Ugh. Okay, yes. Maybe in a regular season baseball game or a regular season hockey game, one team might want the win more. Maybe they NEED the win more. But in the big games, the important games, EVERYONE wants it just as badly as the next guy. Hartnell doesn’t want to hoist the Stanley Cup this year more than Geno does. Wanting it has nothing to do with all the coaching, games, injuries, penalties, obstacles, calls, bounces, luck, practice, strategy, and mental toughness that goes into winning a championship. There are way too many factors — legitimate factors that create a championship team, that boiling it all down to “wanting” it is a disservice to our boys.
They wanted it, damn it. They wanted that car to start so badly so that they could run over the hated Flyers with it. They just couldn’t do it.
But let’s end the season on the bright side. The Pens made the playoffs. Um. They didn’t go out without a win. Um. Max Talbot and Letang (French for “Le Mmmrowr”) look like they made up. Um. We don’t have to watch Sid’s patchy beard grow in and transform him into a gross porn star. Uh. Jagr can kiss my fat ass. Uh —
Also, there’s no way the Flyers are winning the cup or I’m switching religions if they do.
I’ll call it the Church of Nutella. I’ll need some deacons, if you’re interested.