Category Archives: Steelers
- January 17, 2014
- filed under Awesome Burghers, David Conrad, Matt Lamanna, Mayor Peduto, Mayor Ravenstahl, Steelers
- 4 comments
1. [taps microphone] Is this thing on?
Whew! It’s been a hell of a January. I mean, it was New Year’s Eve, I blinked at midnight and BOOM. January 17.
I’m still here. Still writing. Still wishing Portland to suck it.
Lots to cover, so get your clicky finger ready.
2. Russell Crowe is reportedly returning to the Burgh to film a new movie. As you recall, when Mr. Crowe last filmed in Pittsburgh, he loved it so much he would take miles and miles of bike rides through the city.
Stalk-o-meter calibrated to “Stun and Throw Your Body In Front of His Bike Forcing Him to Render Aid Unto You While Speaking With an Adorable Aussie Accent.”
Amanda Seyfried and Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul will co-star.
I’ve never seen a single episode of Breaking Bad and it’s very rude how judgy you’re looking at me right now.
Hee. Apparently these guys missed the first part of the “carry a big stick” saying.
4. David Conrad. Still loves Pittsburgh.
“I love how sweet my homeland is. Sweet eyes. Sweet beer. Sweet hills and valleys stuffed with trees. Walking out of the airport and into a summer night, breathing in the green, sodden air for the first time in months…it’s practically pornographic. I want to drink it, lap it. I want it on me. I love her, love her Pittsburgh.”
6. Speaking of dinosaurs, did I tell you that I finally met my self-united husband Matt Lamanna? He is awesome, adorable, smart, and we are best friends forever.
I’ll be writing that story up for the magazine soon. It’s a good one.
7. Bill Cowher claimed to 93.7 The Fan that all NFL coaches try to steal signals, not just Bill Belichick, who he says simply got overly arrogant by filming it.
8. Is this the best episode of Pittsburgh Dad ever?
Joe DeNardo gets the Chuck Norris treatment. Genius.
9. Thanks to Fukuda (NOT pronounced “f–k you da”) for finding these sweatshirts at Walgreens.
Gotta love that at no point from design to production to delivery to store stocking did anyone notice that independent was misspelled.
Also, someone oughta tell the sweatshirt designer that that bell is in Philadelphia, not Pittsburgh.
10. Luke Ravenstahl, NOT “Taking Care of Business” anymore.
Mr. Peduto said his name will not be “printed, painted or engraved on any long-term city property.”
“City property should not be used to campaign for political office,” he said in a statement issued with the order on Thursday. “The City’s physical assets are owned by the taxpayers. Under my administration, these assets will be marked only with basic identifying information and the City seal.”
You guys. We MAY actually have a real mayor.
Somewhere, Luke Ravenstahl wakes up:
1. The other night, while listening to my son read his book-report book aloud (if I don’t make him read it aloud, he’ll skip chunks of pages at a time on account of laziness), he got to a part where one kid calls another kid a jackass. The look of pure joy on his face as he, without getting yelled at, uttered the word jackass three times … well, that’s the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m kidding, Dad. I know what the true meaning of Christmas is.
PRESENTS! DIAMONDS! CASH DOLLAH BILLZ! [makes it rain on the strippers]
And my phone will be ringing in three, two–
2. The winner of the Yinzer Gift Guide giveaway was notified and has accepted the prize. Shop the guide here!
3. It drives me insane — PURPLE MINION INSANE — when people refer to the Roberto Clemente Bridge as the Sixth Street Bridge, so I wrote about it for Pittsburgh Magazine, hoping to convince these lazy butts to stop being such jerkfaces:
This is not Snoop Lion Doggy Dogg Hedgehog Owl changing his name every time he moves his bowels. This is not the year of our Lord changing its name every 365 days. This is an iconic bridge whose name was changed once more than a decade ago. At this point, if you’re still calling it the Sixth Street Bridge, you’re just stubbornly refusing to put forth the same effort you do when writing the correct year on a check in early January.
4. Barebones Productions has to be having a hell of a time advertising this play in the local media:
“Things are starting to look up for recovering alcoholic Jackie and his girlfriend Veronica…until Jackie spots another man’s hat in their apartment and embarks on a sublimely incompetent quest for vengeance.”
I’m a big Patrick Jordan fan.
Can’t wait to see it. Tickets here.
I kinda love ‘em. Gonna do a giveaway of them soon.
(Not a paid ad.)
6. Interactive map of Pittsburgh’s lost inclines! Historygasm.
7. Community Human Services Holiday Gift Card drive is underway. It’s so easy to just buy a few gift cards for those in our city who need them the most. Check it out here.
I’m going to try to get my butt to the Hough’s party again this year.
8. Just me, putting a bug in your ear that in early February I’ll be begging you for some of your dollars to donate to the next phase of Make Room for Kids with the Mario Lemieux Foundation and local Microsoft folks. We are going to be outfitting two units at CHP with gaming and other tech distractions … the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU) and the Trauma Unit. More soon on that. Just do me a favor and set a few bucks aside for it. LOVE YOU!
9. Shut up! Fallingwater has a satellite holiday gift store downtown for the holiday shopping season!
I’m so there.
I like this one too:
11. Let’s check in with Jeff Reed on Twitter:
12. Has anyone heard from Shaun Suisham lately? Did he get the trash I left for him on his lawn?
Not at all.
When 96.1′s resident hottie Tall Cathy informed me that Skippy Skeeve (as I called him many a time) AKA former Steelers badboy Jeff Reed, had joined Twitter, I grabbed a chair and some popcorn.
This oughta be good.
I was so so right, because somehow, some way, somewhere over the rainbow, Jeff Reed is managing to break all the Twitter rules and still come out on top.
That’s not a euphemism.
And speaking of euphemisms, Jeff Reed calls that an “SAT word.”
Let’s review the rules Jeff is breaking.
1. Use proper punctuation
Jeff Reed only believes in four punctuation marks — the ellipses, the triple question mark, and the triple exclamation point. And very occasionally, he’ll whip out a comma. That’s not a euphemism.
Jeff Reed does not believe in periods.
He sees a period and he Sheetz-Paper-Towel-Dispenses that bullshit all the way to Ohio.
I called him on his excessive exclamatory punctuation:
Dumbfounded = me:
Jeff Reed, 1: Punctuation rules, 0!!!…???
2. Don’t feed the trolls
I have a pretty epic Twitter troll who believes in his heart of hearts that I, a Pittsburgh-born girl of Syrian descent, am an illegal Mexican immigrant. That my husband, a naturalized US citizen who has never once set toenail in the United States without a proper Visa or Green Card, is an illegal immigrant. He loves to tweet to people who follow me about how I am a “wetback Messican.”
Here’s a sampling of hate from one of his many Twitter accounts he has used to bash me:
My Twitter followers have been very very good about not responding in any way to this troll, because the rule is DON’T FEED THE TROLLS AND THEY’LL GO AWAY.
Jeff Reed fed the troll, whose latest account has already been suspended, but the gist of his tweets to me and Jeff Reed were INSULT INSULT YOU BOTH SUCK. SHE’S AN ILLEGAL WETBACK AND YOU’RE A WASHED UP LOSER ASSHOLE MOTHERF–:
What can the troll say to that?
The troll is still sitting at his keyboard all, “By the beard of Zeus and my tiny penis, I have no clue how to respond to this!!!…???”
Jeff Reed: 1, Troll: 0
3. If your glory days are behind you, pretend like you don’t care.
Jeff Reed wants back in the NFL, and he’s not afraid to admit it.
4. If you’re a celebrity, don’t be too accessible to fans.
Jeff Reed says EFF THAT and he rips the rule off the wall like a misbehaving paper towel dispenser.
He responds to every single tweet.
His schedule is more public than Luke Ravenstahl’s, not that that’s saying much.
He walks into Ross Park Mall and just begs you to find him:
His shirt? “Congratulations! You’re not illiterate.”
Fans, 1: Privacy, 0
Also, I have no clue what batorches are.
Maybe it’s a euphemism.
The things Ben Roethlisberger has said about himself since going 0-3.
- “We can’t, I can’t, turn the ball over, plain and simple.”
- “I honestly thought the two fumbles were good plays. Sometimes I don’t want to call it luck, but sometimes they hit the ball just right and it pops out.”
Things the Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross has said about the rest of the team:
- “You can’t get a read on him. One day, he’s practicing, one day, he’s not; one day, he’s going hard, the next day, he’s not. If he was a guy like Heath Miller that you knew was busting his butt every day to get back … Le’Veon is a rookie. I don’t know him quite well enough yet. But if he can come back and help us, we’ll take him.”
- “I’ll go say something to him to see if it hurt his feelings.”
- “Be tough. Be nasty. If you have to get a penalty because you’re going to be nasty, a holding penalty or you’re going to choke someone out on a run play … I don’t always think that’s a bad thing if you get a penalty every once in a while because you’re playing tough and nasty compared to not getting any penalties and just playing passive. I know the O-line coach [Jack Bicknell Jr.] probably didn’t want to hear me say that, but I just want them to have the confidence to go out and play the way that I know they can.”
- “I need them to have a confidence and a cockiness about themselves. Everyone is talking bad about them, but you know what? They’re here for a reason. They were the best ones on their college teams, they got drafted high. They need to go out there and play with a confidence and an attitude that (says), ‘You know what? I’m the baddest guy out here.”
Seriously. Stop talking to the media. You’re terrible at it.
All parts of the team are broken down.
More turnovers than those that come in an actual box of turnovers.
It looked hopeful for like 3 minutes there and then the portal to hell opened up and swallowed us whole.
I’m not even exaggerating. I saw Satan.
May your boobs shrivel up and fall off. Yours too, Mila.
It’s just a game. It’s not the end. There’s still hope. Don’t fling yourself from the Clemente Bridge. (Unless the Pirates don’t make the post-season, then fling yourself with gusto while screaming ARRRIBBBAAAAAA! the whole way down. The irony will be beautiful.)
We lost and it sucked, but it’s just football.
I know that. But that didn’t stop me from making some memes to make myself feel better.
And that’s all she wrote … about that heaping pile of pigskin garbage:
Seriously, Antonio. That shit is annoying. Knock it off and get back to the huddle.
That was badass and one of the few positives I can point out.
Pregnancy tests. Integers. Ions. Affirmations.
Hahahah! I’m punchy!
Next week. London against the 0-3 Vikings.
Here’s hoping we don’t drop a clanger and make arses of ourselves.
Rumpy pumpy and How’s Your Father?
Throw some shrimp on the barbie!
Did I do that right?