It’s time once again for some beat poetry written using the recent tweets of Pittsburgh’s own Santonio Asshat Holmes.

Dim the lights.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. (Not THOSE, Santonio.)

Where’s my mic?

Here we go.

[snap] [snap] [snap] This movie Mirrors is OTC [bongo beat] [finger parentheses] Off the chain. Wut? Wut? Wut it do? [snap] No! [bongo beat] No! I can watch any movie I please! [snap] And no one, I say not a one! Will stop me! [bongo beats] Not even my mom. [cigarette drag] So if u, yeah u! You there! [snap] If you have a problem wit me watching this movie [snap] u r sick! [ANGRY BONGO BEATS] I wonder, I do. What is pot smoke? Who can know? [snap]  [snap] Like I wud tell my chick.  I would tell her! Stop! [bongo beats] I would tell her, God gave ME a gift to SEE [snap] and I’m gone look. Aint nuthn wrong wit looking! [bongo beats] Ben! Ben! Ben! Marcia! Marcia! Marcia! [snap] Don’t write anything else on my Twitter page referring to big Ben. [cigarette drag] Freakin’ stupid people. [angry bongo beats] Lookin! Lookin’ I am! Not for Superman. [snap] LOOKING FOR SEXY LADIES TO BE EXTRAS FOR A MUSIC VIDEO. [snap] Hit me up.  [bongo beat] I’m starting to get addicted to Starbucks Caramel Frappuccinos. [snap] [cigarette drag]

[applause]

Gin
I got this from my cousin, Rich.  We are always exchanging emails and he sent me this post from your blog.  I don’t think he knows you are my daughter, but he knows now because I sent him reply back informing him and apologizing ahead of time for any “salty language”.
Dad

My poor father.  A minister having to deal with his daughter’s “salty language.”   He makes me sound like a pirate or a wench.  I prefer pirate.  Arrrr.

2.  Speaking of the Pirates, remember this quote from pitcher Charlie Morton?

“The stuff felt fresh, and I was mostly down.”

Holla.

Well, how’s this one from pitcher Kevin Hart:

“Stuff-wise and pitch-wise, I felt better and more confident.”

What is this “stuff” the pitchers keep referring to?  I hope it’s not “suck.”

3.  Me and Burgh Baby are busy getting prizes together for the Make Room for Crazy random drawing this fall once the Pirates end the season playing .500 ball.  So far we have:

• $25 gift card to Bocktown Beer and Grill
• Two $25 gift cards to Las Velas.  I know the owner.
• One brand new POANG chair from our friends at IKEA-Pittsburgh
• $50 gift card from Tan 360
• One free two-hour workshop for two people at the Pittsburgh Glass Center

We are adding more and more prizes every day, so pick a side and donate your $5 to the winning side. My side.

THIS IS THE YEAR!

4.  Episode 3 of the Eyetique Boy Meets Girl saga is up — “Another Woman?”

I want that green coat.

5.  Reader Sara, a mother of four, sent me an email regarding having her head shaved to raise money for kids with cancer:

After some liquid courage I got in the chair and off went the hair! It took me a couple of hours to look at myself, but when I started crying there were 30 other drunk women in the bathroom to reassure me.

I don’t have a final tally, but I think I’ve reached my $5000 goal, and STILL have a fundraiser coming up. Another shavee gave me $550 of his donations to put in mine because he wanted to see me hit $5000. Talk about amazing people!

God.  I love Burghers so freaking frackin’ much.

Hair comes and goes.  Generosity ripples forever.

Here’s a picture of Sara post-shave, courtesy of PghGeorge’s professional Flickr stream, which has lots of moving pictures from the event.

Also, look who was there earning some good karma on behalf of the Buccos.

6.  If you’re looking for a fun 10k or 5k run or a 2 mile walk to benefit sick kids this summer, then look no further than Jaxson’s Jog, started last year by a local mother to benefit research into Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH), a life threatening birth defect of which only 50% of babies diagnosed with it will survive.  Her son is one of those lucky ones.  She’s seeking registrations for the North Park run/walk taking place on May 22.  Check it out.

7.    If you spent the weekend wondering if it is possible for Benny to appear even more douchey than this latest sexual allegation has made him, I’m here to tell you that yes, it is possible.  Behold the TMZ-obtained photos of Benny’s birthday posse and their stupid shirts.  This little trip for his 28th birthday was actually dubbed “Ben-a-palooza.” [GIANT EYEROLL]

Check them all out, but pay particular attention to the douchey ponytail Benny is sporting.

So, who in his posse hated him enough to leak these photos to TMZ?

Phrase your answer in the form of, “Someone from the O-line!”

This might be premature, but the hell with it, she says saltily — to quote Vinny from My Cousin Vinny, “I got no more use for this guy.”

(h/t Carole)

Cases in point:

Sporting News:

Huffington Post:

New York Post goes the Chunk from Goonies press conference pic route:

This one is a favorite of several different outlets:

TMZ goes the greasy gangster route:

CBS reports:

Amber Hanley, a 21-year-old college student who met NFL star Ben Roethlisberger in a Georgia bar, says the Steeelers quarterback wanted more than a just a cute photo with the young co-ed, but she just rolled her eyes and moved on, earning a tongue lashing from Big Ben.  Later, she says, Roethlisberger was hitting hard on another girl.

And pairs it with this oldie but goodie:

Or my personal favorite coming from Off the Record:

“It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

1.  Last month, in a flash of mommy brilliance, I mixed Flavor Blasted Pizza Goldfish with Parmesan Goldfish, gave it to my son for an after school snack and said, “No applause necessary.”

Then, last week in Target, I spy, what’s this here?  Goldfish Mix-Up Adventures!  Flavor Blasted Pizza Goldfish mixed with Parmesan Goldfish.

I’m pretty sure Pepperidge Farm owes me a couple million dollars.

2. Yesterday, thanks to hot bats and a homer from Garrett Effin’ Jones, the Buccos of Suckitude beat the World Champion Yankees.  Add this to the many many reasons you should hop on the bandwagon with me and donate five dollars to be eligible for some random prizes once the Pirates finally finally finally play .500 ball.

THIS IS THE YEAR!

3.  Speaking of the future World Champion Buccos of Suckitude (I can’t believe I just typed that either.  I think my Pollyannaitis might be flaring up), listen to this quote from pitcher Charlie Morton describing, well, I don’t know what the hell:

“The stuff felt fresh, and I was mostly down.”

Is that Snoop Dogg-speak? Next time someone asks me, “How are you?” I’m going to say, “The stuff felt fresh and I was mostly down, holla.”

4.  Antwaan Randle-El is a Steeler again, and this is weird … I can’t remember what I thought of him as a player while he was a Steeler.  It’s like I erased him from my memory.  So I hunted through my archives to see what I used to think about him.

I discovered I blamed the scientologists when he left.  That I was pissed at him, and that he apparently went “Slash” at one game, as evidenced by this ancient WTRT.

And that’s all I can find.  [shrug]

5.  However, check this out:

Randle El’s signing comes one day after the Steelers signed free-agent wide receiver Arnaz Battle from the San Francisco 49ers to a three-year, $3.9 million contract. The addition of Randle El and Battle gives the Steelers seven receivers, including Sweed and Tyler Grisham — two more than they kept on their 53-man roster last season.

NO!  NOT TYLER GRISHAM!

First I lost Jeremy Bloom and now it looks like I might lose Tyler Grisham.  [sigh]

At least I still have Daniel and Troy to look at.

(h/t Dave)

6.  15-year-old Mt. Lebanon resident Monica Oxenreiter has created her own nonprofit, complete with 501 (c) (3) status, and recognized by the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.  Monica sent me an email saying:

My name is Monica Oxenreiter. I am 15 years old and live in Mt. Lebanon. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was thirteen months old.  I have been involved in fundraising for diabetes research for as long as I can remember.  I came up with a great idea to raise money:  Raise $100 in every zip code in the United States. As there are 42,000 zip codes, this will hopefully raise over $4.2 million for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

Isn’t that awesome?  Go check out the map, that once every zip code in America is sponsored, will be entirely green.  Right now, there’s tons and tons of yellow.  Visit Zip The Cure and sponsor your zip code!

What an amazing girl.  She’s the next Awesome Burgher and her crown is in the mail and by crown I mean, anything she needs, she just needs to ask me.

7.  When Melissa Hart lost her congressional re-election campaign to Rep. Jason Altmire, for some inexplicable reason she abandoned her old VW in the garage used by congresspeople, where it has rested for three years now, becoming a target for messages scrawled in the collecting dirt by members of the current congress or perhaps their staffers.

“I wish my wife was this dirty.”

Hee.

(h/t Jenn)

8.  Let’s close out with a Craigslist What the Effie, and boy, WHAT THE EFFIE?!

Dennis Roddy of the P-G: “So, she’s a minister’s daughter …”

My father: “Yeah. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”

Me: [GASP!]

My father and Dennis Roddy chatting is a very bad thing.  But not as bad as a short time later when I found my mother at the bar sandwiched between Jim Lokay and Dennis saying, “Well, her father and I just shake our heads and say, ‘That’s our Ginny.’”

Lies!  All lies!

Good news is I made almost $150 in tips for Make Room for Kids despite being the worst bartender in the world.

2.  Of course I have more to say about Benny’s recent troubles.  I’m waiting until he is charged or he isn’t charged before I write that up, though.  And those of you getting on me for quoting TMZ, they had the story first, so that’s who I quoted.  RELAX.

3.  The P-G says “a little-understood fungus” is killing bats.  I don’t hate bats.  Bats eats bugs.  Bats don’t poop in my hair.  Bats fly all around above my neighborhood and they never get closer than a football field to me.

What I’d like to know is this: where can we get some of this fungus and can we somehow infect the pigeons with it because why don’t we ever see a “Mysterious illness killing pigeons” headline?  With a sub-headline of “Virginia Montanez eyed as person of interest.”

4.  When my husband and I were newly married, we went to visit the Wendell August Forge in Grove City on our way back from visiting some friends in Toronto and we immediately fell in love with the place.  I loved the smells and the people and the store. I bought ornaments, and small plates stamped with the Pittsburgh skyline that sit atop my husband’s dresser to hold the various things he keeps in his pockets.  We bought my in-laws a big plate with the skyline on it, and they display it proudly on a shelf in their home in Cancun, Mexico.

The only remaining manufacturer of its kind in all of the US, the forge burned to the ground yesterday, but thankfully no one was hurt and the 2,000 unique dies were saved.

They’ll rebuild, and when they do, if you’ve never been there, you must go and experience it.

5.  Speaking of Toronto, last night I dreamed I was the only female player on the Penguins roster and it was awesome and then they traded me to Toronto and instead of agreeing to the trade, I shocked the world by retiring early so that I could remain in Pittsburgh.  Even in my dreams, I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

Tonight, I hope I dream about the locker room.  So I can snap Sidney on the butt with a wet towel.

I’ve been known to draw blood.

7.  Do not adjust your monitor.  This is really a background image used at McKechnie Field, spring home of the Buccos of Suckitude:

What in the name of crapping your baseball pants is that?!  An owl?  And if it is an owl, why the hell is there a giant owl on screen in the outfield when the Buccos are up at bat?  Is this some new motivational tool from that sports psychologist they hired?  Is he trying to scare the suck out of them?  If so, he should try pigeon eyes.

I know.  I want my mommy, too.

6.  Speaking of the Buccos of Suckitude, tomorrow, me and Burgh Baby’s mom will be kicking off a little blog contest for charity.  You’ll have to choose sides.  Choose wisely, and remember, THIS IS THE YEAR!