Category Archives: Steelers

Tomlin-speak when winning versus Tomlin-speak when losing.

Mike Tomlin said:

“I just told the guys we’re not going to provide lip service; we’re going to practice how we intend to play.”

Me, if we’re winning (all gifs from Reddits Reaction Gifs):

pumped

Losing:


whatever

 

Mike Tomlin said:

“I feel comfortable with them men we’ll walk into battle with next week.”

Me, if we’re winning:

battle

 

Losing:

bored1

Mike Tomlin said:

Most importantly is the standard of expectation of what we expect from them in everything that we do.

Me, if we’re winning:

colbertdancing

 

Losing:

balloons

 

Mike Tomlin said:

“Tomorrow is a new day. We’ll make the best decisions for us, globally speaking.”

Me, if we’re winning:

winning

Losing:

losing

The end.





What They’re Really Thinking: Burst Bubble Edition

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What a steaming pile of maggot-covered dog poop sitting on a giant mountain of worm-riddled elephant feces.

That is to say … PEE. EWE.

Don’t think I’ll be writing a WTRT for every Steelers game this season, but how could I not write one about the worst Steelers game in recent memory?

Injuries, stupid coaching decisions (have we come up with the new “Fire Bruce Arians” yet for Haley? Let’s get on that.), and just plain forgetting the basics of the game of football was the “Steelers Way” yesterday afternoon.

And with the score sitting at 2-0 for a good portion of the game, and then the Steelers being held to those two dismal points right up until late in the game. Two points.

Two.

It was an awful game to watch.

Let’s talk shitty football.

1. Pregame. Football’s back in town. Everyone is feeling good. Pittsburghers are preparing their food spreads and checking their Steelers-heavy fantasy teams. Dan Rooney is optimistic. So is the lady photobombing him.

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She is ready! She is personifying Steeler Nation Enthusiasm and Optimism! She would photobomb the President if given the chance! Thumbs up!

Even Jesus is there! What could go wrong with Jesus on hand?

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We are excited and hopeful and on top of the world!

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2. And then the game started and what’s this?

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We are freaking out. The Steelers are back. The Steel Curtain is back. The dismal preseason record really DID mean nothing.

Terrible Towels are being whipped into such a frenzy, Scott Harbaugh takes to the air with a breaking report:

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3.  And then…

And then…

And then…

blanche-popping-balloon

4.First, injuries.

We lost Hernandez-BFF Pouncey for the season because DeCastro took him out.

DeCastro is a Steeler.

headdesk

We lost Foote for the season.

We lost Stevens-Howling for the season.

Sean Suisham pulled a hammy in pregame warmups.

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5. After scoring those two points, the Steelers forgot how to football.

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6. Redman?

Redman fumbled the ball 300 times, and got so confused he even tried basketball with it.

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7. Coaching? Now, you know here in Pittsburgh we love our coaches when they’re winning and we hate their faces and their guts and their mothers when they’re losing, but I’m going to go ahead and go on the record that yesterday’s coaching was a giant EFF MINUS.

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(source)

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That’s right. Mike Tomlin called a timeout with two seconds to go until the two-minute warning.

Stunned

Try for a thousand years and you’ll never wrap your head around it.

8.  Troysus was decent and he did that Superman/Jesus thing where he times the snap count perfectly and unleashes hell.

And … and … I’ve already run out of good things to say.

9. Even the fans forgot how to be fans.

This lady was so out of it by the time the Steelers finally got a touchdown that she was TWIRLING HER WATER BOTTLE.

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Watch the video here and see her at the :17 second mark.

SHE’S TWIRLING IT, YOU GUYS.

The STEELERS BROKE THE FANS.

10. It sucked and there’s a really good chance this whole season is going to suck now that our team is depleted with injuries and the guys who are left … kinda suck. And the coaches suck.

Suck.

God help us next week when we play the Bengals and James Harrison.

He is going to hand us our ass with a big fat “f–k you” stapled to it.

Let us pray.

11. Meanwhile, over at PNC Park …

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(Matt Freed/P-G source)

[headdesk]





The Steelers want more public money. No.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have plans to add 3,000 extra seats to Heinz Field as well as a new scoreboard. This proposed expansion is currently sitting in the judicial system because the Steelers want the public to pay for 2/3 of the $30 million price tag and they claim the lease states that is what should happen.

The Sports and Exhibition Authority is arguing in court that the lease language doesn’t mean what the Steelers think it means, so they should pay for their own expansion and leave the public funds out of it.

Legalese aside, in a nutshell, the Steelers are seeking $22.5 million from the public, and in return they’ll put up a whopping $750,000 of their own money toward the 3,000 new seats.

The proposed agreement would have funded the extra seats through a $1 increase in an existing surcharge on Steelers tickets and a new parking surcharge of $2 to $3 at lots around Heinz Field during home games.

I had a really fun debate on Twitter with 93.7′s Colin Dunlap, an awesome guy and a great writer whose opinion I continue to respect (follow him!), who played the devil’s advocate on this one and I at no point went all YOUR MOTHER on him. It was civil. He was wrong. I was right. The record will show. Also, those of you who claim I block people who disagree with me can kiss my cottage cheese butt.

But let’s go through some of his points and points that others might make in defense of the Steelers and let’s SQUASH THEM LIKE PUNY HUMANS. [awkward kung fu moves]

1. So what? It’s only a dollar here and there. — Not Colin’s argument, but an argument others have made.

This is dangerous thinking. This is the thinking that local, state, and federal governments have historically relied on — that the people will say, “Well, it’s just a few dollars here and there. What’s the big deal?” That’s what they’re counting on … that the masses will figure it’s not worth fighting over a few dollars. Here, rich person, take my dollar and put it with everyone else’s dollar and put it in a pile until that pile is so big you can build a tunnel through it. Have fun rolling around in our money!

That’s dangerous thinking because it sets a precedent for those in power to say, “Instead of digging into our astronomically deep pockets … instead of saving up … instead of cutting out gross waste to fund this thing we want … let’s just go to the people and tell them they have to give us another dollar. They won’t care. It’s a dollar.”

Those “another dollar” dollars add up and will do something much more damaging than put us back a dollar … they will put more power in the hands of the already powerful, leaving we the people with zero power because we’re thinking, “Eh. It’s just a dollar. Here. Have fun making a hundred dollars for yourself off of my one dollar. Do what you will. Let me know when you need another dollar.”

2. But the expansion will bring jobs to those who build it, and for the ushers and vendors who will work those 3,000 extra seats.  – paraphrasing Colin here. 

The public already rewarded them by footing most of the bill for the actual stadium. Besides that, LOTS of local businesses create jobs and their employees make that business MONEY. The ushers? Will make the Steelers money. The people building the expansion? Will make the Steelers a crapton of money. That’s how businesses work. My husband and I own a downtown business. We hire people. They work hard. We pay them. They make money for us. We then pay taxes on that money. We’re not getting public money as a reward for that and neither should the Steelers.

3. The Rooneys pay taxes. — Colin.

So? We all pay taxes. In addition, are we supposed to hand rich people our money for free with nothing in return just so they’ll pay more taxes to the city coffers? Please. Without our money, the seats will still get added on and the Rooneys will still get richer (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and they’ll pay more in taxes. It’s the circle of life, Simba. #hakunamatata

4. 3,000 extra people eight times a year is LOTS OF MONEY for local businesses. The Steelers should be rewarded.

First, no, it’s NOT a lot of money for local businesses. 3,000 extra people? You might get 20 of them into the Bettis Grille. We might get two at Las Velas. A total of 500 of them, if that, might spend a few dollars at some place OUTSIDE the stadium (The Furries will spend more than these 3,000 people will. LET’S GIVE THE FURRIES SOME PUBLIC MONEY!). But a great vast majority of them are going to put their money into … wait for it … THE STEELERS. They’ll tailgate and then go into the stadium to buy expensive beers and Steelers branded merchandise. It is the STEELERS who will be making money off of these 3,000 seats via seat licenses. My research would put the fee at maybe $1,500 or $1,000 each. Don’t quote me on that. I’m guessing.

On top of that, the Steelers will get the annual tickets sales, plus a percentage of the official license transfers and believe you me, they will get transferred, because as you can see, what you buy for $1,000, you can sell for $10,000. They’ll get an extra 3,000 people buying concessions and merchandise. Make no mistake, it is not you and I or local businesses making money off of 3,000 seats. It is the Steelers. 99% … the Steelers.

Again, here, rich person, take my dollar and use it to make $100 for yourself.

P.S. The Steelers are worth $1.02 BAH-illion.

5. As anchor, they are helping/allowing other businesses to have a chance. — This is a Colin argument.

The stadium is already there, already built by $281 million in public funds. They’ve been rewarded. 3,000 extra seats does nothing for local businesses. Your argument is invalid, puny human.

6. Keep this up and you’ll get rubbed out by the Yinzerluminati. — @blackngoldlabel, jokingly on Twitter.

This is valid. I’m scared. Steelers fans can be crazy. Look at Lukey. But … [awkward kung fu moves].

I love the Steelers. So much. In general. I could do without their ridiculous Twitter accounts that pretend the laws of grammar and spelling and vowels in general never existed. I could do without the burgeoning egos of men who have never even been to space. That said, I’m a forever fan. You know this.

But I’m an even bigger fan of “the people.” I’m a fan of Pittsburgh. I’m a fan of the rich getting richer on their own dime, not ours. I’m a fan of the people taking a stand when the powerful make money-grabs like this.

Philadelphia is funding their new $125 million stadium expansion with their own money and help from the NFL. They haven’t touched the public coffers despite the fact that THE CITY owns the stadium. There’s no reason the Steelers can’t foot the bill for this $30 million expansion on their own. They’ll make that money back plus some faster than you can say GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY WALLET.

We’ve already rewarded the Steelers by putting $281 million into building that stadium and allowing them to make A FORTUNE off of it. It’s time for them to look in their own wallet.

Or worst case, they can take it to Kickstarter.

I’ve heard it works.





Random n’at

Swagr-ratios

1. First, a giant thank you to every single one of you who donated, tweeted, retweeted, Facebooked, or in any way helped with the Make Room for Kids fundraising effort this year.

The Amazon wish list is empty, which helped close the funding gap we were dealing with. The kids at The Children’s Home will get their computers and XBOXes and movies and games and printers and TVs, while the kids in the units we’ve already outfitted at Children’s Hospital will get the extra games they requested as well as the extra XBOX controllers.

Everyone will be happy!

Look for the install day post in late April and you’ll be able to see exactly what your donated dollars were spent on, and you’ll see the smiles they will bring to the sick kids.

2. The next mayor of Pittsburgh is not Bill Peduto or Michael Lamb … It’s Rebecca De Mornay.

Rebecca De Mornay and Nick Westrate have been cast as leads in NBC’s hourlong pilot Hatfields & McCoys, a take on the infamous feud set in present-day Pittsburgh. The startling death of the McCoy patriarch re-ignites the feud between the two legendary families, unleashing decades of resentment. De Mornay will play the central character of Mary Hatfield, the Mayor of Pittsburgh and matriarch of the powerful Hatfields, who basically run the city through their development company and political connections.

I like it.

Also, I’d like to volunteer my services to the writers to help them instill some true Pittsburgh flavor into the dialogue.

Mayor De Mornay: [slams hands on desk] If this gets out, things get ugly. Put a lid on it. I don’t need every yinzer from here to Aliquippa showing up and demanding we [finger quotes] “warsh the corruption out, n’at.” 

Email me, yo.

3. Pittsburgh Minecraft map.  There should be a Flyers skin for all the creepers.

I know way too much about Minecraft thanks to my kids.

4. This picture. Pittsburgh at dusk. MAN.

From wmellott on Reddit.

5. The Steelers have lost James Harrison, Mike Wallace, Willie Colon, Rashard Mendenhall.

They signed Matt Spaeth and William Gay, both former Steelers.

So basically our new strategy is “out with the old; in with the old.”

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6. Pittsburgh’s Miss Smiling Irish Eyes 2013 is deaf. 

7. The teenaged founder and CEO of local company Simple Sugars will appear on Shark Tank on March 29. Set your DVRs.

8. The Knitting Lady sent me this pic of Geno holding her sock.

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His face confuses me so much. For instance, here he is so attractive. Other times, it’s like WHOA, UGLY STICK!

[ducks]

9. “A very important in-depth analysis of early-90s style, featuring Jaromir Swagr” is the best thing you’ll read today.

I especially appreciate the scientific analysis of the ratio of the torso region to the leg region while he is wearing mom-jeans.

(h/t J)

10. Amazing pictures of Pittsburgh’s skyline taken this winter by Matt Robinson.

Couldn’t pick my favorite if there was an angry pigeon to my eyeball.

(h/t my dad)

11. Chatham University is holding a FREE fun-filled family-friendly Spring carnival complete with egg hunts, Easter Bunny photos, raffles, Haitian snacks, and more! And any proceeds or donations made are going to Haitian Families First!

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See you there? I’ll be the one with the little girl who is begging the balloon artist to make her a pigeon.

Mommy will POP THE SHIT OUT OF THAT THING.

[awkward kung fu moves]

12. And let’s end this post with some of my favorite tweets from awesome Burghers:

I don’t understand how I am the only person who starred that tweet. COME ON.

Thai McBistro would also be a great rapper name.





What They’re Really Thinking: Hipster/Gif Edition

I began watching this game at Las Velas where the kids and I were dining with my husband’s family.

At half-time, I headed home with my kiddos and listened to the third quarter while driving.

Then I watched the fourth quarter in my living room while my daughter built her Minecraft kingdom and my son studied William Penn.

Did you know after William Penn’s death, one of his sons, Thomas, who was the leader of the colony called Pennsylvania, claimed to have in his possession a treaty between his father and a Lenape Indian chief — a treaty that stated William Penn could claim for his colony any land he wanted that was “as far as a man could go in a day and a half” to the west of the Delaware River. But while William was alive, they never did the “walk” to see how much land that was. So Thomas and the Indians cheerfully arranged for the walk. Thomas sent out three colonial walkers — who immediately took off sprinting, allowing them to take from the Lenape tribe 66 miles of land instead of the expected 30 at most.

The colonists were just total Quaker bitchez, weren’t they?

Where the hell were we?

Oh. Football. Let’s talk football. And Charlie Batch. And collective footballgasms that probably registered a solid 1.5 on the Richter Scale.

1. First, before the game even started, my hate juices started flowing. Hate started as a simmer and then began bubbling and bubbling until by the time the game started and I was one margarita buzzed, I could have easily punched right into Ray Lewis’ chest cavity and pulled out his still beating heart and then shoved it into his stupid jaw-unhinged screaming face.

Football makes me violent. Ray Lewis makes me SUPER violent.  We’ve discussed this.

Biblical hate. Hellfire hate.

And I know, Dad, that the Bible says you shouldn’t hate people, but I’m pretty sure even Jesus looks at the Ravens and is all, “BUT THEY’RE SO ANNOYYYYYYYYINNNNNNGGGGG! [/whine]”

Also, my Facebook avatar photo is easily 10 years old. I should probably update that. My gray hairs are all, “YA THINK?!”

2. There are six constants in life: death, taxes, change, Nutella, Shaun Suisham, and Heath Miller.

Everything else? In flux! Chaotic! Never still! Always in turmoil!

Troysus is hurt. Then he got better for five minutes and then he was hurt. Now he’s better. Ben got hurt so badly that if he even burped wrong his rib bone would puncture his aorta. Byron got hurt.  AB got hurt. Charlie’s 100-years-old and he’s in. Rashard is out. Wallace is demoted. Baron Batch who?

But Shaun Suisham is money [knocks violently on wood] and Heath Miller is our rock. Unchanging. Unfailing. (We’ll pretend Heath’s fumble during last week’s Game of Pigeon-Infested Hell didn’t happen. [waves hand] These are not the droids you’re looking for.) Edit: Heath didn’t fumble last week? Why did I think he did? The week before maybe? Either way, these are NOT THE DROIDS YOUR LOOKING FOR.

So when the going gets tough in the remaining games of the season, they are the lighthouses on the hill we’ll look to.

This has been Deep Thoughts, with Virginia Montanez who is Two Margaritas Buzzed.

3. Unfortunately, there’s one other constant: 

Steely McBeam will never die.

That’s a Steely McBeam “study buddy,” or as I call him, “Hipster McBeam.” I think you’re supposed to violently rip his head off … ironically.

4. This is pretty much how the third quarter went because I had to listen to it in the car on DVE and with my hearing, it sounds like this, “SHHHHHHHHHHH Brown SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 18 SHHHHHHHH fumble.”

Me: “What happened?”

My son in the back seat: “There was a fumble.”

Me: “Who recovered it?!?”

Son: “Ummmmmm. Ben … Roethlisberger?”

Me: “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!?!”

Poor kid. It’s a lot of pressure to be the ears for your deaf mom while sportscasters are talking a million miles an hour.

Can you imagine if Myron Cope was still alive?

Me: “WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!”

Son:[sobbing] I … HAVE … NO … IDEA.”

5. Ryan Clark made an amazing interception and we barely had time to tweet our jubilation because two plays later, the Ravens intercepted that shit right back and then BOOM BOOM touchdown Ravens. It’s 13-3 and Burghers all over America are horrified and desperately looking for something to puke into.

6. Last week I asked my brother-in-law Muchacho if he thought Troysus would ever play football again. He said no.

I asked my sister. She said no.

I asked my dad. He said no.

In my gut, I felt “no.”

And Troysus was like, “Bitch, please.”

He wasn’t a huge factor in the game, but he was A factor.

7. Charlie Batch. Is old. I’m seven months older than Charlie Batch and I’m telling you … he is old. And slow. And old. And toeing the line of decrepitude. My god. That’s a word. Go me.

But despite that age and that decrepitudity (survey saaaays! Not a word), he fought hard during this game. Charlie wanted this win. You could see it in everything he was doing and shouting and gesturing during the fourth quarter especially. He was frantic and determined and fighting for every yard. He even mouthed off to the refs a bit!

Not only that, but when Dwyer ran for a touchdown in the third to tie the game up, it was CHARLIE BATCH who threw the block that allowed him to score. 104-year-old Charlie Batch ran behind Dwyer like a spring chicken on meth and threw a block and all of Steeler Nation is like …

 

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!

8. As we were nearing our house, the Ravens scored a touchdown and I slapped my hand on my car radio power button a little harder than necessary and the car was filled with my angry silence.

Daughter: “Why did you turn the Steelers off, Mom?”

My son: “Because they suck.”

9. Fourth quarter, we’re down by 7 when Charlie, poor Charlie, throws an interception.

But then something miraculous happens. A Christmas miracle.

James Harrison showed up for the first time since what seems like 1975.

He forces a fumble and two minutes later, Heath scores, but he doesn’t just score. He turns into the love child of Elasta-girl and Gumby and stretches his arms just far enough to tap the pylon, probably tearing every muscle in his arm pit in the process.

We freak.

The game is all tied up with less than 7 minutes on the clock.

10. The defense does its job and gets the ball back for Charlie and it’s now Charlie’s job is to give Shaun Suisham a chance to win the game in the final seconds. A roughing the passer penalty on the Ravens really really helps him out.

But he needs to get a bit closer to give Suisham a sure thing. We’re looking at a 42-yarder if he doesn’t.

Dwyer. 1 yard.

[inhale] [exhale]

Dwyer. Minus 1 yard.

[inhale exhale inhale exhale]

Dwyer. No gain.

 

Up comes Shaun “Sure Thing” Suisham to kick.

Tomlin gives him a look:

Here we go.

Half of us remain calm in our belief of Shaun Suisham.

Half of us can’t watch, and run to semi-hide.

And half of us who can’t do math are staring and then looking away and then staring and then looking away and then grabbing our dogs (not a euphemism) and hugging them like a yipping security blanket. We think about sucking our thumbs (also not a euphemism).

Three seconds on the clock. Game is tied. 42 yards looks like a thousand miles.

He lines up.

The ball is snapped.

He kicks.

It’s good! Time expires!

Steeler Nation loses its almighty collective shit!

Charlie Batch loses his shit too and falls sobbing into the arms of Ben Roethlisberger for a good long cry.

(via SB Nation)

 It’s beautiful. And emotional. And we’re all a bit teary-eyed and some of us are just flat-out ugly crying:

There  there, Dawson. We all want to hug Charlie Batch too because he wanted this win and he got it for us. And it wasn’t just a win. It was a win over the Ravens. It might be the biggest win; it might be the last win of his life.

Charlie has a message for everyone who didn’t believe he could do it:

Shut up. I love the bee uniforms.

So we won. A big game. An important game. And that goes a long way to help us forget last week’s debacle against the Browns.

Everyone is forgiven.

Except Mike Wallace.

[shrug]

11.. Finally, this goes without saying, but Total Quaker Bitchez would be a great band name.