Category Archives: The Damn Pigeons

Switched at birth.

Last night. My daughter’s bedroom.

Her: I got this from my teacher’s library. Can you read it to me?

Me, aloud: Uh. Sure.

Me, internally: SON OF A MOTHERLESS HAIRLESS FATHERLESS LEGLESS ASSHOLE GOAT.

Three minutes later.

Me: The end. So as you can see, the moral of the story is that pigeons shouldn’t drive buses because they are the very incarnation of evil.

Her: [blink]

Me: Night night. [kisses her on her head and turns her light out]

Her: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

Her: I wish I had a pet pigeon.

Hey. Are you an animal lover who gave birth to a half-Mexican girl in December of 2006?

I think I might have your daughter.

Because this one ain’t mine.


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Underwater pigeon killers GODBLESSUSEVERYONE!!!1

 

I hate pigeons.

And you know that.

So when you see something pigeon related, you think of me.

And if you see something awesome in relation to pigeons, like a news article about ten thousand of them just mysteriously falling dead out of the sky (you’re welcome), you email it to me all, “Thought you’d like this.”

And if you come across a hawk feasting on a pigeon near your work, tearing pigeon flesh asunder with voraciousness, you email me a picture for my own personal pleasure.

And if you see something so crazy off-the-wall like catfish learning to hunt effing pigeons right from the water’s edge, you GUYS ALL LOSE YOUR COLLECTIVE SHIT AND YOU GO CRAZY IN MY INBOX ALL, “MERRY EFFING CHRISTMAS, PITTGIRL!!!!!!1111!!!! TRY NOT TO ORGASM TOO HARD AT THIS!!!!”

I lost a bunch of those sent my way thanks to my delete-trigger-finger, but thank you Bluz, Jonathan, Michelle, Glenn, Lea, Aimee, Rhonda, Fitting Group, Shawn, Brando, Jay, Liz, Stephanie, Jeff, Dan, Scott, Jody, Elaine, and anyone else who sent it to me.

Group hug that evolution is finally addressing the fact that pigeons never should have existed to begin with.

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I fully expect in 100 more years we’ll see these catfish grow legs and just start storming the banks armed with ninja stars and awkward kung fu moves.

And little calling cards that say, “What’s’a matter? Catfish got your vermin?”


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Random n’at

1. October is kicking my ass, you guys. In so many ways.

Today, I actually said to my husband, “I can’t wait for winter so I can get snowed in for a week and get caught up on shit.”

It’s okay. I bitchslapped myself so you don’t have to.

So this post is me, getting caught up on LOTS of shit.

2. I’m in the early stages of researching my 2012 Yinzer Gift Guide for Pittsburgh Magazine and I’m hoping to have the list of suggested Burghy Christmas gifts go live right around Black Friday, so if you know of something uniquely Burghy or you are a crafter or businessperson that sells something either made in Pittsburgh or Pittsburgh-themed, please email me and let me know so I can check them out.

I’ll narrow it all down to about 12 items.

You can email me via the “Contact” link on the top of this site.

3. New Fresh Factory shirts!

4. I am not making this up. From the Eat ‘n Park Smiley Cookie website:

Best hostess gift ever?

You can also buy a mini version for the much more affordable price of $26.

5. New Benstonium Steelers video: Skyfall

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6. Headline: “Missouri City poisoning pigeons to reduce numbers.”

Me: “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

(h/t Kelly)

7. New post up at the magazine where I talk about the putrid pumpkinification of every single thing, preceeding the putrid pepperminitifcation of every single thing. Also, BONUS 12 Days of Pittsburgh N’at video sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas.

8. And yet another movie trailer where the bridges, tunnels, and skyline of Pittsburgh play a supporting role.

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(h/t Charles)

9. Help a local Burgher raise funds for Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh via gaming!

He only needs about $170 to reach his goal, which is part of a bigger goal of his entire team to raise $50,000!

Awesome Burghers.

10. Pedestrian penalty cards.

I need these in my life.

(h/t Goob)

11. Pittsburgh, this boy needs a service dog. Please please help him get one even if you only do it for the good karma it puts out there that you never have such trials in your life.

(h/t Jaime)

12 Steve Carell, Mark Ruffalo, and Channing Tatum are in town filming a movie here in the New Hollywood. 

Calibrate those Stalk-O-Meters to stun and self-unite.

But step off.

Srsly.

[awkward kung fu moves]

 

 


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Random n’at

1.Well Snowmaggedon 2012 has turned in LOLmaggedon and all the local weather people who told us to expect anywhere from 6 to 8 inches of snow are looking like the boy who cried wolf. But NO ONE cried wolf longer and louder than Fake Julie Bologna on Twitter:

My God, if SyFy doesn’t make a movie called River Tsunami soon, they have epically failed.

2. A local 16-year-old girl from Beaver is up for Black Enterprise Magazine‘s 2012 Teenpreneur Award for her business, Amber’s Amazing Animal Balloons, and check out her creations on her website and in this video:

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Did you see the parrot and the penguins?! Wow. Do you know what I can make with a balloon? A loud popping sound. It’s quite impressive. It’s less of a KA-POW and more of a ZA-BAM!

Vote for Amber here!

(h/t John)

3. If you haven’t seen this yet, a first-grader from Pittsburgh won a national penmanship award and the amazing thing is she was born with no hands.

My heart almost can’t stand it.

(h/t my Dad)

4. It is imperative that I get this on a shirt or in a cross-stitch pattern.  Or tattooed on my body.

(h/t Nancy)

5. If you’re looking for something to do this Saturday, the cool all-girl comedy variety act troupe Frankly Scarlett will be performing at the Cabaret!

The crazy part, without meaning to, half of their troupe has appeared in my Burghy Weddings series over at the mag! Robin Hitchcock is the bride that stopped at Fathead’s with her groom. And in this picture of Robin’s wedding, you can see other troupe members Abby Fudor and Liz Labacz. Then you’ve got Addi Twigg here.

They describe the show to me as this:

Lots of clever writing mixed with entirely goofy ideas. We have bits mocking the all-male subcommittee hearing on reproductive rights (all-female subcommittee hearing on male pattern baldness) …and we also do 90s rap and dance moves as Salt-N-Suga, a touring edutainment group. In addition to sketch and improv, we have local musician (and funny lady) Addi Twigg on stage the whole time as our ‘band’. She does hilarious and beautiful covers of songs, and sings between sketches to help give a cabaret feeling to the night.  And finally we do video (writing, editing, etc.) Sisters doin’ it for themselves!!

GIRL POWER!

More info here! Or on Facebook here.

6. My Dad sent me this and maybe some of you would enjoy it too. A look at Monroeville in the early 60s to 70s:

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Thrift Drugs and Victoria Station. Man, that is a blast from the past and I feel old and I’ve fallen but I’ll just stay down here and take a nap.

I wonder if my sisters remember going to Victoria Station to eat.

7. Light of Life Rescue mission asked me to take part in this little project for the upcoming Tunch and Wolf’s Walk for the Homeless. YOU try saying no to that. Luckily I’m only in it for a second or two.

It’s a great cause and I’m looking forward to visiting the place soon.

7. Sixteen things Calvin and Hobbes said better than anyone else.

Also, if I may add, “Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such a rate as to render linear thought impossible.”

I just typed that from memory, but I bet I’m not more than three words off.

Me is to Calvin and Hobbes as David Conrad is to Shakespeare. That’ll be on the SATs I bet.

(h/t Jonathan)

8. You. With the face. Tell me where I can buy these online:

Because I will rock that thing to the fullest.

(h/t Mikey)


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Random n’at

1. How do you know when it’s time you need new hearing aids? When this conversation happens:

Me: The kiddo wants to put song #19 from that 80’s CD you have in the car onto his Kindle Fire. Who sings that? It sounds like they’re saying “more than a feeling?”

Him: Huh?

Me: Yeah.

Him: That would be a song by Boston, but that’s not on that CD.

Me: Hmm. It sounds like maybe U2 is singing it?

Him: HUH?!

[I stick the CD in the computer and we listen to #19. Ten seconds after the music starts up …:]

Him: [falls down laughing]

Me: WHAT?

Him: That’s “Maria” by BLONDIE.

True. Story.

2. The tour guide may have mentioned this on my tour of Clayton, but on account of I thought Blondie was U2, I may have not heard it.

Henry Clay Frick and Adelaide Childs Frick were supposed to be on the Titanic!

Thank goodness for them, a sprained ankle used to require hospitalization.

(h/t @Verbz)

3. During WWII, Americans attempted pigeon-guided missiles.

I DIDN’T JUST MAKE THAT SHIT UP.

(h/t @jmarinara)

4. The greatest stress ball in the history of stress balls.

At least I think it’s a stress ball.

We won’t know until I beat the crap out of it.

Someone buy that for me.

(h/t StacyfrPgh)

5. Great picture showing what Pittsburgh really is.

“Where the world thinks I live. Where my parents think I live. Where suburbanites think I live. Where I live.”

(h/t GaScubaBum)

6.  If you haven’t yet bought your Monster Haiku book benefiting the March of Dimes, please do so!

It is illustrated by the beautiful Rachel Sager (who designed my logo and web banner AND the Make Room for Kids logo). The haikus (hiaki? haikues? cyoo-pons?) were written by the brilliant Will Rutherford, who you remember I guest-haikued for once. Yes, I suck at haikuing.

Buy a book! You have five days left! DO IT FOR THE BABIES!

There are also posters, cards, and original art up for grabs!

I can’t wait to read the book to my kids. I’ll be all, “An owl will never stop … trying to end you. [blink] MWAH-HAHAH!”

Best mom ever.

7. There will be 47 new pictures tomorrow. Just preparing you.

8. Further proof that Pittsburgh is the new Hollywood.

Suck it, Portland.

WHAT?!

9. Once a week the Post-Gazette sends me an email reminding me of my PG+ (pronounced BeeeeooooBOOOP in R2-D2ish) subscription.

“Don’t forget about your PG+ subscription!” the email says.

“Don’t forget I cancelled that two years ago!” I say.


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