1. My sister Pens Fan, and even the doctor’s wife Princess Aurora, and actually, also Ta-Ta the Grand Poobah, we are the thrifty sistahs in the family.

Tina Fey is not. She will comment to this post that she is indeed thrifty, but there is a giant $700 Banzai slide in her yard that would tell a different story.

I’m not nearly as thrifty as my father, but I definitely have my moments as a coupon-clipping, bargain-hunting master.

I will spend money when things deserve my money. That includes splurging for Cotija cheese even though Giant Eagle charges $10 for a tiny chunk of it. That includes butt-slimming jeans. That includes a $10 spicy drink at Embury in the Strip (although on Saturday, Jonathan Wander treated me.) That includes $21 eye-liner that won’t run. That includes just about anything at IKEA.

And there are certain things that I refuse to spend a lot of money on. $1.50 avocados and $.85 limes make me want to choke a bitch.  Another thing that I refuse to spend a lot of money on? Laundry detergent.

Who the hell does Tide think it is charging as much as they do for soap? Are there gold crystals in Tide now?

I don’t need super-duper, extra-long-lasting fresh-linen and happy sunshine-scented, extra-concentrated, Downy-laced, Febreeze-infused laundry detergent. I just need soap to clean my clothes.

So when I saw this post over at Tall Tales from a Small Town, I was all, “A-HA!”

So I’m going to stick it to the man and try this myself. I already snagged the Fels Naptha bar and the Borax at Giant Eagle and this afternoon I’m heading to Ace Hardware for the Super Washing Powder.

I’ll let you know how it works, but all the reviews I’ve found online are that this stuff works just as good as the super-duper, extra-long-lasting fresh-linen and happy sunshine scented, extra-concentrated … you get the picture. And it costs mere cents per load.

Suck it, Tide.

2. Secret Agent L, whose identity I’ve known since last November (I am a vault), revealed herself on Saturday to be Laura from With Love From Pittsburgh, and the model from my $3,000 Worth of Fug post. She is also the Most High Priestess of Stickers, as well as the Eyetique girl! When does she sleep?

Also, when Laura was introduced, she expertly and confidently sauntered down the middle of the Firehouse lounge, to music, through a sea of people watching her, and I was all, “You know, add a pigeon or two and that would be my hell.”

She is a brave girl.

3. This is a part of a fantastic email I received today by reader Sam, in response to my Burgher Kings and Queens article in the mag:

I suggest that Iron City Beer no longer be deemed a “Pittsburgh” beer, given that it is brewed in Latrobe. (A more than adequate replacement for Rolling Rock, if you ask me.) And nor may Kennywood Park be called a “Pittsburgh” amusement park, as it is in West Mifflin. And Pittsburgh International Airport, yes, should rebrand itself. Truth in advertising. You know.

In addition, all that steel that was produced during the 1800s and 1900s shall no longer be considered “Pittsburgh” steel, as much of it wouldn’t have been possible without the entrepreneurialism of H.C. Frick, founder of H.C. Frick Coal & Coke Co. Frick was a native of the Connellsville, Fayette County area and much of the coal he mined came from mines in Westmoreland and Fayette counties.

Moreover, Pittsburghers also may no longer lay claim to the following: Fred Rogers (Latrobe, and we want his statue returned forthwith), Joe Namath (Beaver Falls, Beaver County), Joe Montana (New Eagle, Washington County), Michael Keaton (Coraopolis), Perry Como (Canonsburg, Washington County, but Pittsburghers may keep his statue and the always-on loop recording of his music, too), Dave Wannstedt (Baldwin, and with family ties to Westmoreland County), and Mike Ditka (Carnegie). And lastly, if the Steelers even so much as think about wind sprinting across the county line at the end of this week, the Rooneys shall be deemed to have forfeited all rights and ownership, whereupon Westmoreland County shall retain the authority to seize and dispose of said assets.

Oh, BRAVO!

4. If you’ve ever been to a Pittsburgh roller derby bout (actually, not Pittsburgh; they have their bouts in the Romp n’ Roll in Glenshaw, so really, how dare they call themselves the Steel City Derby Demons?) and want to buy a gift for the derby girls, here’s your chance. Go see what a three or ten dollar donation would buy for the team.

Here’s the info on their last home bout of the season!

(h/t Mel)

5. Pittsburgh is now on Facebook. Love that the email from Lukey’s Joanna, in which she talks about how Pittsburgh is embracing social media, includes no link to the facebook page or even just the URL (http://www.facebook.com/city.of.pittsburgh) and instead says:

Search City of Pittsburgh – we are identified as a government organization. We have a picture of the City with a banner which includes a City seal.

BRB. Going to create a new facebook page called “City of Pgh” with a profile picture of the city with a banner which includes a city seal. Just to confuse the hell out of people.

P.S. I AM JUST KIDDING. STOP WRITING THE NASTY COMMENT YOU ARE WRITING.

(h/t Charles)

6. Since I posted that Kings of Leon post? Twenty-two more emails, tweets and facebook messages/wall posts telling me about it.

I can’t win!

7. This Pennsylvania Guys parody of Katy Perry’s California Gurls song is priceless:

Click here to view the embedded video.

But they mention Iron City as a Pittsburgh beer. That’s not right.

It’s a LATROBE beer.

(h/t Charles)

8. Troy Polamalu is on twitter now.

Can’t wait for his first DM fail all, “And then I was all, ‘LOL. ALL YOU BITCHES TAKE MY SHOTS.’”

I kid.

A DM fail from Troysus would probably be more, “I can’t make it. I’m praying for the next three hours and then I have church and then I have some sick kids to visit.”

9. I went to Giant Eagle yesterday (for the Fels Naptha and Borax) after having spent the day cleaning Las Velas, then dinner at Hard Rock, then a trip up and down the incline. By the time I hit the Iggle at 7:30 p.m. my hair was all EEK, my face was all EFF, and my clothes were all GAG. So of course the person behind me in line was a reader who happened to recognize me.

Sexy. I has it.

10. It has been forever, but, Burghers, DRINK!

From the Mayor’s office:

Andrew McCutchen and the Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they have partnered with Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, the City of Pittsburgh and the Student Conservation Association to compete for the opportunity to receive a $200,000 grant from Pepsi that will move the community forward as part of the Pepsi Refresh Project.

Thanks, Joanna!

Oh, and I missed this one from June 15!

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that the City and developers have closed the public-private financing package necessary to secure Target’s final commitment to move forward with their store which will border Penn Ave.,

I think Joanna might have a crush on me.

Or she’s hoping I’ll drink myself into a stupor and shut the hell up.

If it’s the former, if she really loves me, she’ll work the Jackpot Phrase into a press release — “Looking forward to moving forward.”

I could pickle my liver.

(From steelers.com)

The sports-writers of the Internet are manufacturing some ridiculous drama after Hines Ward, while being interviewed on the NFL channel about his possible future as a sports broadcaster, was asked if Ben had addressed the team yet, and Hines said that he hadn’t. Hines was then asked if he felt Ben should address the whole team regarding what happened in Georgia and Hines said, “I think so. A lot of players really don’t know the situation, other than what we hear in the news or the media. I think when he addresses the whole team going into training camp, we can all put it behind us and move forward.”

USA Today said, “Pittsburgh Steelers WR Hines Ward said Wednesday that QB Ben Roethlisberger has more work to do in order to win back the faith of his teammates before training camp.”

Ron Cook said, “Then, later in the week, Roethlisberger was called out publicly by teammate Hines Ward, who said Ben needs to address the Steelers as a group about his off-field indiscretions.”

ProFootball Talk said, “In other words, Ward expects Ben to address the whole team going into training camp.”

Countless articles and blog posts about Hines Ward publicly calling out Ben Roethlisberger.

Ugh.

Hines was asked a question and he answered it. He didn’t call Ben out publicly so much as he was baited and he took the bait.

Drama, drama, drama.

How about we forget about the fake drama and focus on the REAL drama, the fact that Troy Polamalu’s young friend Heather Miller died from cancer at age 11, and he wasn’t her only Steeler friend:

Take the ones that rolled down Wendy’s face recently when she went through some of the text messages on Heather’s cell phone. She was standing in the kitchen of her Osterburg home when she came across the final text [Casey] Hampton sent to Heather.

Hampton had been in Miami, preparing to play in the Pro Bowl, and he had called Heather to check on her. Her physical condition prevented Heather from talking on the phone.

So Hampton sent her a text message: “If you’re feeling up to it, give me a call. If not, just know I love you.”

Forget Hines’ big mouth or Ben’s off-field shenanigans and the giant Cloud of Drama and Doom circling over their heads.

Remember Heather Miller and her super friends.

Wendy gets just as emotional when she recalls the call from Polamalu on Jan. 29. It came less than a half hour after Heather’s death.

“Wendy,” Polamalu said, “she’s the lucky one.”

1.  It’s that time of the year when I make up my mind to lose the weight I put on over the winter, and this winter, what with the snowmageddonness of it, was especially nom-nom-nom for me.  Oooh! A handful of year-old M-n-Ms in the couch cushions? DEVOUR!

Problem is that I keep being sabotaged in my efforts to lose the winter pounds.  Sabotaged by my mother giving me a half a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese.  Sabotaged by birthday cakes.  Sabotaged by family dinners at my parent’s house.  Sabotaged by the kids’ treat basket.

What I need is a stomach virus.  10 lbs. in three days.  Bam.

2.  The Fan interviewed my self-united husband Daniel Sepulveda, and as pointed out to me by butler Mike, Daniel basically says, when asked about his relationship with Benny, that while they will be there for Benny as a football team, he can’t really speak much to what Benny is like as a person because they haven’t spoken more than three sentences to each other in the three years their lockers have been touching.

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

As Mike said, “Maybe because Benny’s an asshole?”

3.  Ed Bouchette is filing reports on PG+ (pronounced lindar vithel in Elvish) from the NFL owners’ meeting in Orlando, and among his snippets about Mike Tomlin snubbing Pittsburgh reporters only to have him grant interviews to the NFL network, lies this snippet about Benny:

I can tell you it continues to be a hot topic in Orlando. I had a chance to talk to a handful of club officials and some from the league before their 9 a.m. meeting with Goodell today and I’ve come to the conclusion that if he is charged in this incident, his days playing for the Steelers could be over.

Can you imagine the Steelers without The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross?  WHO WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE THEN?!

4.  Roller derby is back in action with a new season and I’ll be attending the April 17th match since I missed the sold-out home opener.  Can not wait.  Going to get me a ‘Snot Rocket Science shirt!

Also, check out the mascot for her Steel Hurtin’ team.  Meet Miss Judy Squeakers who I don’t need to tell you kinda looks like a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon.

I say that with love.

5.  John Steigerwald wrote a blog post in which he called Benny a “punk” and a “jackass” and even mentioned drugs.  Mondesi’s House has an interview with John about it.  Check it out.

6.  A brilliant idea! Mix glitter with rice then feed it to the pigeons and VOILA!  Nature’s fireworks complete with a satisfying popping sound.

(h/t Stephanie)

7.  Troysus Polamalu and his doggies and his HOTNESS film a commercial for Nemacolin’s dog resort.  This video has the candid behind-the-scenes stuff.

(h/t Leo and Jim)

8.  Screenwriter Carl Kurlander of St. Elmo’s Fire fame and who was once asked by Oprah about his move back home, “PITTSBURGH?!?!  PITTSBURGH?!?!,” is showing his Tale of Two Cities, a movie about his move from Hollywood to Pittsburgh, at SouthSide Works Cinema until March 25, before taking his movie on the road to places like Capitol Hill, Delray Beach, Tempe, Arizona, and the Boston Museum of Fine Arts.

As he writes on the facebook page:

Please help us spread the word as the film has been picked up for distribution and if we can sell enough tickets this week, it could really make a difference in getting the movie out there.

Buy your tickets here!

1.  Last month, in a flash of mommy brilliance, I mixed Flavor Blasted Pizza Goldfish with Parmesan Goldfish, gave it to my son for an after school snack and said, “No applause necessary.”

Then, last week in Target, I spy, what’s this here?  Goldfish Mix-Up Adventures!  Flavor Blasted Pizza Goldfish mixed with Parmesan Goldfish.

I’m pretty sure Pepperidge Farm owes me a couple million dollars.

2. Yesterday, thanks to hot bats and a homer from Garrett Effin’ Jones, the Buccos of Suckitude beat the World Champion Yankees.  Add this to the many many reasons you should hop on the bandwagon with me and donate five dollars to be eligible for some random prizes once the Pirates finally finally finally play .500 ball.

THIS IS THE YEAR!

3.  Speaking of the future World Champion Buccos of Suckitude (I can’t believe I just typed that either.  I think my Pollyannaitis might be flaring up), listen to this quote from pitcher Charlie Morton describing, well, I don’t know what the hell:

“The stuff felt fresh, and I was mostly down.”

Is that Snoop Dogg-speak? Next time someone asks me, “How are you?” I’m going to say, “The stuff felt fresh and I was mostly down, holla.”

4.  Antwaan Randle-El is a Steeler again, and this is weird … I can’t remember what I thought of him as a player while he was a Steeler.  It’s like I erased him from my memory.  So I hunted through my archives to see what I used to think about him.

I discovered I blamed the scientologists when he left.  That I was pissed at him, and that he apparently went “Slash” at one game, as evidenced by this ancient WTRT.

And that’s all I can find.  [shrug]

5.  However, check this out:

Randle El’s signing comes one day after the Steelers signed free-agent wide receiver Arnaz Battle from the San Francisco 49ers to a three-year, $3.9 million contract. The addition of Randle El and Battle gives the Steelers seven receivers, including Sweed and Tyler Grisham — two more than they kept on their 53-man roster last season.

NO!  NOT TYLER GRISHAM!

First I lost Jeremy Bloom and now it looks like I might lose Tyler Grisham.  [sigh]

At least I still have Daniel and Troy to look at.

(h/t Dave)

6.  15-year-old Mt. Lebanon resident Monica Oxenreiter has created her own nonprofit, complete with 501 (c) (3) status, and recognized by the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.  Monica sent me an email saying:

My name is Monica Oxenreiter. I am 15 years old and live in Mt. Lebanon. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was thirteen months old.  I have been involved in fundraising for diabetes research for as long as I can remember.  I came up with a great idea to raise money:  Raise $100 in every zip code in the United States. As there are 42,000 zip codes, this will hopefully raise over $4.2 million for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

Isn’t that awesome?  Go check out the map, that once every zip code in America is sponsored, will be entirely green.  Right now, there’s tons and tons of yellow.  Visit Zip The Cure and sponsor your zip code!

What an amazing girl.  She’s the next Awesome Burgher and her crown is in the mail and by crown I mean, anything she needs, she just needs to ask me.

7.  When Melissa Hart lost her congressional re-election campaign to Rep. Jason Altmire, for some inexplicable reason she abandoned her old VW in the garage used by congresspeople, where it has rested for three years now, becoming a target for messages scrawled in the collecting dirt by members of the current congress or perhaps their staffers.

“I wish my wife was this dirty.”

Hee.

(h/t Jenn)

8.  Let’s close out with a Craigslist What the Effie, and boy, WHAT THE EFFIE?!

(source)

Not to get all preachy on your asses, but have you ever noticed how shitty people can be?

Like, there are people in this world who when faced with two choices of 1. be a negative asshole and 2. DON’T be a negative asshole, they will always choose number 1.  It doesn’t matter if they’re reading a blog, waiting for some pedestrians to cross a street, or if they’re being accosted for autographs.  “THIS IS A STUPID BLOG BUT I’M GOING TO KEEP READING IT JUST SO I CAN CONTINUE TO TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE!” “HURRY UP, CRIPPLED LADY!” “EFF OFF, KIDS!”

Then there are those people who seem to be incapable of being a negative asshole and one of those people is Troysus Polamalu.

[chorus of angels vocalizing]

This story appears first in Arizona where it happened and has since been picked up by the boys at 96.1 and by my colleague over at Pittsburgh Magazine, Sean Conboy.

Go read what Troysus did for some kids, the most important part being this:

And then Polamalu had a better idea.  He gathered up some of the kids and headed outside for a game of pick-up football.

They got to play a pickup game of football with Troysus Polamalu for more than 30 minutes, which, had I been there, we would not have started that game without a long discussion of why it is vital that we play shirts versus skins and why it is crucial to the survival of all that is good and decent and nom-tastic in this world that Troysus be on the skins team.

[sigh]

Listen, I understand Troy Polamalu is human (?) and that he has faults (?) and that he can’t possibly be perfect (?).  I’m just saying that in the six years I’ve been blogging, in all the emails I have received from readers telling me about negative encounters they’ve had with various local celebrities, in all the rumors I’ve heard about certain Steelers and local politicians and newscasters, in all the swirling muck of human weakness, never once has anyone written me to let me know that that Troy Polamalu guy is a real negative asshole.

That’s gotta count for something.

Also, it looks warm there in Arizona, so I’d just like to end this post by saying, once again, EFF THIS WINTER.