Category Archives: Weird Burghers
An Irish* Proverb
May the wind be at your back.
May the road rise to meet you.
And may your 15 minutes of fame never mean the local news station placing a descriptor below your name reading “FOUND PURPLE SQUIRREL.”
1. Dramatic purple squirrel is dramatic!
2. Ravens fan? Kill it with fire?
3. This is what happens when The Care Bears and The Chipmunks don’t practice safe sex. [Care Bear whore stare]
4. Dramatic Purple Squirrels? BAND NAME.
5. David Highfield. Rockin’ the jeans. Get on with your bad self. [snap snap]
*Not really, doofus.
This is quite a story and the only other place on the planet I could see this happening is West Virginia.
Let me sum up, Westley!
A 14-year-old led police on a car chase in Fayette County while driving a van, slid to a stop in a field, desperately took off on foot only to finally be apprehended at which point the cops found a loaded handgun in his jeans pocket.
Now, you’d think he did this without an adult’s permission, but you would have thunk it wrong, Internet, because you’ve forgotten one very important thing — THIS IS FAYETTE COUNTY.
The van’s owner, Joseph D. Lewis Jr., 42, of Lemont Furnace, told police he “let his little dude drive it to go see his girl and he was to bring it right back,” according to the police report.
Little Dude: “Hey, can I borrow your van?”
Adult: “You ain’t old enough to drive yet, son!”
Little Dude: “But I need to go see my girl.”
Adult: “Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?!” [tosses van keys to Little Dude]
Little Dude: “Thanks!” [Climbs in behind the wheel]
Adult: [realization dawns] “Hey! Wait just one minute! … Do you have a loaded gun?”
Little Dude: [pats pocket] “Right here.”
Adult: “Good boy. Now you bring the van RIGHT BACK, ya’ hear?”
Dear Fayette County, don’t ever change. Ever.
Joining the Rogue Tree Pruner, the Petunia Desperado, the Sharply-Dressed Penny Thief, the One-Legged Wheelchair Bandit, the Egg Nog Thief, and the Soft-Spoken Robber we have …
This local crime posse we’re building here has the potential to become the funniest Saturday Night Live skit of all time, especially if we get a Hard-of-Hearing Pickpocket who would be all “I can’t understand a damn word the Soft-Spoken Robber and the Toothless Woman say!”
Did you watch the Pittsburgh auditions episode of American Idol last night?
The Idol producers did a great job of showing the beauty of the city, over and over again, with Ryan Seacrest starting the episode standing on the Rachel Carson Bridge and it was a thing of beauty. And after the initial belly-rub from the fat, screaming yinzer, the rest of the episode was mostly nothing to be embarrassed about. CBS News said:
There was, however, a suspicious amount of professionalism in Pittsburgh. There was little to laugh at, little to criticize, little to despair over.
Then came Patty the Pittsburgh Planker who Ryan indicated is famous in Pittsburgh for planking and I said WHOA! WAIT! WHAT?!
Now, to be fair, I didn’t know who the Running Lady was until you guys brought her to my attention, so maybe Patty the Pittsburgh Planker, real name Patty Bell from Sutersville, PA, is a very well known Pittsburgh character and I’m just now learning about her. Yes?
Here’s her interview video:
She has shirts and everything!
Here’s her audition with her sister:
Apparently the first rule of planking is that you do not talk while planking. Not even to Steven Tyler.
Her facebook page is full of pictures of her planking in the Burgh like so:
Her motto is “Propose it. I’ll plank it.”
I don’t want to be mean, but I’m already on record in a million different places about how ridiculous I think planking is, so I can’t suddenly pretend I get it. I don’t get it, and unless you find me a picture of an Ewok planking on the moon, I never will.
“I’m not the next American Idol. I’m the next American planker,” she says in her video.
In that case, I’m the next American Extreme Sitting Downer.
Shirts will be $25 each.
Send me a check.
- January 17, 2012
- filed under Evgeni Malkin, Penguins, Pirates, Sidney Crosby, Weird Burghers
- 15 comments
1. Yesterday at Pens Fan’s house. A conversation.
Me: “Mom, I really like this new color you’ve got going with your hair. The dark against the light highlights is my favorite hair of yours ever.”
Pens Fan: “Oh, yeah! I didn’t even notice. I really like it.”
Me: “Are you going to let your bangs grow down like the Kardashian mom so you don’t have to get your roots done so often?”
Mom: “Yeah. I’m letting them grow a bit.”
Pens Fan: “We’ll call you Kris and we’ll all change our names to K names.”
Pens Fan: “Ktammy. Kdad.”
2. A woman gave birth on the airport flyer and lucked out when a retired radiologist happened to be on board.
Wait, what does a retired radiologist know ’bout birthin’ no babies?
3. David Highfield looks like the love child of David Cook and Barney Stinson.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I kinda love his look.
4. The bad news is that Sid is still experiencing symptoms and is seeing a specialist this week. The good news is that Kris LeSexhair could be back this week from his concussion.
Do we need to start a “timetable for his return” drinking game, you guys? We’ll probably pickle our livers if we do.
5. You know how you’re watching an action movie and the actor, maybe the hero or the villain, will grab a hatchet and say in his deepest, most menacing voice, “This is war. The war … is on!”?
“Mr. Pellegrino left, came back a short while later and said to him, ‘I’m going to report you.’
“And the victim said, ‘I didn’t do anything.’
“And at that time, Mr. Pellegrino pulled out a hatchet and said, ‘This is war, the war is on.’
Quite surprisingly, it didn’t happen in Fayette County.
Of course if it happened in Fayette County, Mr. Pellegrino would have been brandishing a goat when he said it.
6. Yahoo! takes a look at the 2012 Pirates and comes up with some suggested hashtags for when we talk about them on Twitter:
#freeagentoverpays, #nutrisystempedro, #sloppy, #cutchagonistes, #atleastourballparkisbeautiful, #happy20th, #hope, #2014getherenow
I don’t know. Pedro seems more like a Weight Watchers kinda guy to me.
But the rest of that is just spot on.
Let’s hope the hopey changey thing works!
THIS IS THE YEAR!
7. Occupy Pittsburgh has moved on from Target’s part-time hiring practices and moved on from bus-rider rights and has now set their sights on racially motivated police brutality.
What’s that saying? You can do a lot of things poorly, or one thing well?
8. The Kraken has a rap video and it is the most hilarious, godawful thing you’ve ever seen a douchebag douche.
Of course, if that had been OUR Russian doing this, we’d be all, “Geno? You want I should have your babies?”