Good Monday morning, Pittsburgh! Has it been raining for seven hundred years or does it just feel that way?

I blame myself. I bought my kids an outdoor trampoline and we can’t erect it until the rain stops. So the rain won’t stop until probably September. Merry Christmas!

Let’s talk about my blog a little bit because there’s going to be a change in how this blog will work starting today, and it’s important to me that I let you know about it because without you reading over the last seven years, this blog wouldn’t have accomplished the things it has, especially since my identity was revealed.

When I started this site in 2005, I had just turned thirty-one a few months prior. I was a whippersnapper with a little three-year-old son and a full time job. Right now, I’ve got a kid turning ten this fall and another turning six this December. Right now, I’m on the verge of turning thirty-eight in two weeks and forty is right there. Do you see it? Right there? Staring at me? Making its presence known with the grey hairs that grow 3,000 times faster and coarser than regular hairs? Defiant white screaming scraggly tree trunks rising among a field of whispered soft brown smoothness? Those hairs are giant assholes. If it wouldn’t burn my face off, I would kill them with fire.

A lot changes for a woman from the time she’s 31 to the time she’s so close to forty she could reach out and bitchslap that mother and then knee her in the face when she keels over. Priorities change. Personality changes. Life in general changes. My violent nature remains unchanged.

At 31 I was a snarky semi-bitch who would gleefully and anonymously take to my keyboard to tear down anyone in my way who I felt deserved to be torn down with the wrecking ball of my words. I don’t regret that, but that’s not who I am anymore.

Nearing forty, I don’t feel like tearing down anymore for the sake of tearing down. I don’t think I need to be perusing the newspapers daily simply trying to find something to write about. Something ridiculous. Something I can point at and laugh at.

My passion for that has waned dramatically since January and I honestly think I started feeling the subtle shift in me after the earthquake in Haiti. That experience changed me so deep to the core, it’s permanent. Daily posting just for the sake of posting holds no attraction for me. It’s a burden now whereas it used to be a joyous addiction, and I promised myself that when I was half-assing this thing, I would walk away.

But I’m not walking away. Not completely. What I’m saying is that I’m not going to post for the sake of posting anymore. I’m only going to post when I am driven to. When hilarity has ensued. When the story can’t be ignored. When something is threatening to explode out of my brain if I don’t unleash it. When Lukey does something so extraordinary or extraordinarily stupid. When my mother calls me to ask me what an “apple cloud” is. When the Pirates play a particularly thrilling game. When Ben and Coach Haley get into a screaming match on the sidelines (you know it’s coming).

That might be once every other day. That might be once a week.

My efforts on this site have been abysmal at best since January and you can tell and you deserve better. The great thing about the evolution of social media since I started in 2005 at the cusp of the boom is that there are now so many places for you to get the fun news on an hourly basis. You have Randy’s awesome Facebook page and Twitter account, and Mikey and Big Bob‘s as well. They’re paid to do that and they do it fast and timely, whereas I have three jobs besides writing for this site, four if you count being a stay-at-home mom. I’m spread thinner than the paint on a Bob Ross happy little tree. And who gives a crap what I think about something that happened two days ago and that I’m just now getting around to writing about? I certainly don’t. You shouldn’t either.

So I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m not going to give you the worst mediocrity of me 10 to 15 times a week. I’m going to give you the best of me maybe once or twice a week.

And we’ll see how that goes. Where it take us. I’ve evolved since I was 31. It’s time for this site to evolve too.

I hope you understand. I’m still me. I’m still here. I’m still driving the bandwagon. I still want to kill all the pigeons. I’m still passionately in love with Pittsburgh and it’s that love the motivates me to be more and be better and to grow and change and see where the road leads.

I hope you’ll come along for the ride.

P.S. I’m going to close the comments on this for a few reasons. First, because if your response is going to be “PLEASE, DON’T!” it won’t change my mind. If your response is going to be, “You’re awesome and I support you and you’re awesome and you rock and you’re awesome,” I thank you for that, but my ego isn’t looking for that. That’s not why I’m doing this — so I can read nice things about myself. And finally, if your response is going to be, “Yeah, you’ve kinda sucked since January and even before that,” I already know that, thank you.

We don’t need to discuss how awesome I am or how much I suck. We can just let things be, John Lennon.

This has gotten awkward.

Ahem.

1. You remember Jeremy Bloom, right? The Olympic skier/fashion model/Pittsburgh Steeler? The ladies of Pittsburgh loved to look at his abs and his face and we liked to shake cute little threatening fists at the Steelers should they consider cutting him from the team, and then we went all [awkward kung fu moves] when they did cut him from the team before any of us had a chance to self-unite to him.

Jeremy is more than a face because he has this amazing nonprofit he started Wish of a Lifetime, which is kind of like Make-A-Wish for the elderly — helping them fulfill their lifelong dreams before their time runs out.

Not only is Jeremy a really good egg packed in a perfect perfect perfect outer shell, he’s also single and therefore will be on a summer reality dating show called The Choice, hosted by the super leggy Cat Deeley:

Reality stars DJ Pauly D and Rob Kardashian, model Tyson Beckford, pro football superstars Rob Gronkowski and Ndamukong Suh, singer Joe Jonas and actors Carmen Electra and Dean Cain are among the celebrities who will vie for love on the hottest summer dating show, THE CHOICE, which debuts Thursday, June 7 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. Hosted by Cat Deeley, THE CHOICE is the ultimate blind date for celebrity bachelors and bachelorettes competing for the hearts of attractive singles—they can’t see.

Ndamukong Suh? Did someone have their fingers placed incorrectly on the keyboard before typing that?

Which, my God, that’d be a great way for George Lucas to come up with Star Wars names. Let me try it.

Hsr Hsr Vubjd.

The Dark Lord Hsr Hsr Vubjd.

Brill.

Also:

2. Hines Ward took batting practice with Clint Hurdle.

 The guy pitching batting practice early Thursday in PNC Park to Hines Ward, and gregariously enjoying it, was Clint Hurdle. Unlike some others who maybe couldn’t ignore their athletic-challenge DNAs against the recently retired NFL and Steelers great, the Bucs manager figured he’d be good for teeing up some cookies.

“I tried to throw it where he’s swinging, trying to find his happy spot,” Hurdle said. “Hey, he’s a top-of-the-lineup guy. He can really run. Like I tell our young players, if they can run and hit fly balls, there’s a job for them: It’s at WalMart.”

Is there a sign-up form somewhere at PNC Park or do only retired athletes get to do this?

Lucky.

3. The Duke of Fug is still whining about Haley. At least that’s how I read this:

“That one’s a little harder than the Miami ones I was doing,” Roethlisberger said after he left another of Haley’s classes Wednesday at the Steelers facility on the South Side. “I joke and say that my final paper for Miami on Tibet was a lot easier than the Rosetta Stone we’re doing now here.”

“Right now, we’re practicing the pass because it’s more complicated,” Roethlisberger said. “Steelers fans and coach Tomlin and the Rooneys apparently thought B.A. was throwing the ball too much. But yesterday in coach Haley’s office, we were talking about using the no-huddle and throwing the ball and how much we have to use our weapons.”

That sounds like Ben is saying the Steelers claimed to get rid of Bruce Arians because he was passing too much, but that Haley is all about the pass too. Which to me sounds a lot like whining.

You?

I mean, I love Bruce Arians, but shut up about Bruce Arians, Ben.

4.  A Murrysville girl who has officially been dubbed the Freaking Luckiest Girl Alive by me, won the opportunity to take father-of-four Pascal Dupuis to school!

How come I never had or have this kind of luck? I’ve never won anything by chance. I’ve never once gotten through on the radio to win a contest. The busy signal is my earworm. I’ve never won more than a buck off of a scratch off. I’ve never even found a bag of money on my doorstep. WHAT GIVES, UNIVERSE?!

5. The Pittsburgh Passion have begun that thing where they decimate their opponents by 49-0 as they did recently to Cleveland.

They’re 3-0 for the season so far.

[snap] You go, goils. [snap snap] [head swivel]

Check out their commercials. All kinds of awesome:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

6. And so we make sure we hit all the professional sports teams in Pittsburgh … The Power still exist.

There you go.

Because as you can see, I honestly don’t know what the hell a wallaby is other than P. Sherman lives there at house number 42.

Do you?

A. 

B.

C.

D.

Now go Google it and see if you got it right, you uneducated mate.

Then go Google “baby wallaby” and OMG. THE CYOOOOOOOOOOT!

I have named him FooFoo and he is my tootsiepoppet.

Everything I know about successful prison escapes, I learned from the movies.

And what I have learned is that after you escape prison, your first goal is to get out of your prison uniform and into something that will allow you to better blend into the general non-criminal public. A track suit. Some dockers, a t-shirt and a ball cap pulled low over your eyes. Your goal is to look like every single person around you so that you can simply blend in and disappear like cream being stirred into a cup of coffee. That is a fantastic metaphor. I’m going to use that in my forthcoming book Prison Breaking for the Epically Stupid.

Conversely, here’s guest lecturer David McFadden from Goshdarn Fayette County to give you a lesson in what NOT to do upon your escape from prison:

McFadden was taken into custody late Tuesday afternoon after he jumped from a counselor’s office window at the Fayette County Prison in an escape attempt that was over almost before it began.

Police said McFadden leaped from the window and landed 20 to 25 feet below on the street.

Then, it was off to the races. But it was a chase that went only for a few blocks.

Several blocks from the prison, McFadden ran into a parking garage where he took off his prison uniform and emerged from the structure wearing only his underwear, socks and shoes.

Has this man never seen a prison-escape movie scene in his life? Quite possibly the only thing more conspicuous than exiting a parking garage wearing a standard-issue prison uniform, is exiting a parking garage wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes.

At the very least, if he wanted to blend in in Fayette County, he should have been carrying a confused and slightly offended sheep.

That way when he exited the garage and the locals told the police, “Just saw a dude walk out of here wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes,” they’d be all, “That’s our guy!” But if the eyewitnesses said, “Just saw a dude leave wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes. And he was carrying a sheep,” they’d be all, “Nothing out of the ordinary here. Keep searching.”

God bless you, Fayette County. Fly your freak flag.

1.  ”I’m pretty sure it hissed at me” is what I said to my husband this morning when I frantically jumped on him in bed to wake him up and beg him to come to the basement to kill a spider as big as a golf ball. And I don’t mean a spider with a teeny tiny BB body and long skinny legs. I mean a spider with enough meat mass that there is currently a big blob of yellow guts on the floor of my basement. A Texas-sized spider. A spider with a big bulbous body and short thick, surprisingly fast legs. A spider that looks like a tarantula and a cricket had weird bug sex.

It oozed. It crunched. It spurted. It screeched. It returned to the Devil from whence it came.

[shudder]

I might have to set fire to my basement.

2. I don’t have any idea why the new Primero Noticias weatherman dresses like an airline pilot, do you?

These are the things you learn in a semi-Spanish-speaking home.

I miss the weathergirl who called it “Ponx-soo-tway-nee.”

3. Dancing with the Celebrities of Pittsburgh was held this past weekend, which allowed me to stumble upon this video that not only shows dance god Bob Pompeani in practice for the event, but also shows Sonni Abatta’s past performance in which she is seriously too hot.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Well, that was a special treat!

I’d like to see a dance off between Bob, Sonni, and probably Big Bob from 96.1. He’d kill that shit.

4. Leadership Pittsburgh’s Pop-Up Pittsburgh project “We Do. (Take Two.)” is a mass vow renewal celebrating Upper Lawrenceville love:

An Upper Lawrenceville Love Story invites Upper Lawrenceville residents, their friends and families, along with other Pittsburgh-area lovebirds, to make a commitment to each other, and this vibrant neighborhood, through a mass vow renewal.

Other cool things:

• Live music (3-5 p.m.) by Upper Lawrenceville’s own, Slim Forsythe and his New Payday Loners;
• A collaborative-baking attempt at Pittsburgh’s Largest Cookie Table (there’ll be treats for your furry friends, too!). Help us by bringing a dozen or two of your favorites;
• A documentary highlighting Upper Lawrenceville will premiere at the event;
• Family friendly food and drink, fun and games!

They had me at cookie table. Learn more and register at popuppittsburgh.com.

5. Internet, there is a God:

… and he has blessed us with the plentiful, quenching rains of the Flyers’ tears.

6. Those of you out near Robert Morris might enjoy this:

Just Between Friends consignment sale is coming up next weekend (May 18-20) at the RMU Island Sports Dome at Neville Island. Prices are heavily discounted (50-90% off) and a majority of items that don’t sell are donated to Focus on Renewal in McKees Rocks.

I love consignment sales.

7. Always, always, always … when you walk in Downtown Pittsburgh … look up.  You might spy Abe Lincoln!

(h/t Jen)

8. Best use of alliteration in a headline ever?

Did they also pick a peck of pickled peppers? Bravo, Trib.

Now, go shit yourself. 

I’m JUST KIDDING.

Get Depends first.

(h/t Angry Mongo)

9. Burgher Jesse Landis-Eigsti continues to blow my mind with his incredible reviews over at Jesse Reviews the World. Right now, Jesse is reviewing all three episodes of the Star Wars prequel. He has the first two reviews up and they are just phenomenal. A snippet from the review of Episode II:

I just want to have want to play a quick game here with George Lucas called You Might Think…But!

You Might Think that the most romantic place for your leads to fall in love is in a beautiful fairy-land paradise But it actually removes any sense of danger (remember how Natalie is being pursued by assassins? Neither does the movie; that plot point does not reappear) while making your heroes seem like spoiled sophisticates who thought it would be a lark to travel to Thomas Kinkade-land.

You Might Think that having Anakin describing his love in superlatives (“The thought of not being with you…I can’t breathe! I’m haunted by the kiss you should never have given me…you are in my very soul.”) means his love is extra special, But it actually makes him seem like a teen scribbling love notes in his binder he got from Hot Topic. Remember, you can tell a love story with only five words (“I love you!” “I know.”) or no words at all (WALL-E holds EVE’s hand, everyone cries).

You Might Think that comparing Natalie’s smooth skin to sand is really hot But I am not sure why you would think that.

Go read them both. He seriously has George Lucas’ number.

10. After spending a fortune on wine kiosks that laughed in your face and made it harder for you to buy wine, the PLCB (slogan: “We say who. We say when. We say who.”) has spent $100,000 on an iPhone app to make it easier for you to find your alcohol of choice. They either want to stand in your way with their big shield of obsolescence, or give you a boost up on the horse that will speedily deliver you to the sweet nectar of hops.

Is the PLCB the most schizophrenic government entity in all of America?

Phrase your answer in the form of HELLS YEAH!