… I suddenly had childbirth PTSD.
Shudder. That shit is not fun. (And some of you moms are all, “LITERALLY!”)
The Internet is hard these days.
It’s loud. It’s crowded. Everyone and every brand is using their voice and sometimes it is hard to be heard from within that noise.
You’ve got Facebook just LITTERED with ridiculous game requests all “PLEASE HELP ME EARN MORE FEED FOR MY HEADLESS CHICKENS SO THEY CAN GROW HEADS ALTHOUGH I’M NOT REALLY SURE HOW MY HEADLESS CHICKEN IS GOING TO EAT THE FEED WITHOUT A HEAD.”
Facebook is full of hoax picture after hoax picture immediately considered as truth, stolen recipes, relentless sales pitches, political bickering, and humans trying to craft the perfect online life full of travel, money, perfect children, perfect jobs, and perfect “taken from an attractive above angle” selfie, while in reality, their crazy life and 1.5 chins are just as normal as yours.
Twitter? Well Twitter is lots of selling, promoting, link baiting, angry customer service tweets, and too much shouting and not too much listening.
Social media these days sometimes feels like you’re standing in a room full of people screaming “GET YER [FILL IN THE BLANK HERE]! [FILL IN THE BLANK] HERE! FRESH [FILL IN THE BLANK HERE]! ONLY NINETEEN NINETY FIVE PLUS TAX!” And in the center of that room, you’re whispering, “Hey, look. I have a cool thing here and it’s something you might actually care about?”
I realize how very “GET OFF MY VIRTUAL LAWN” that sounds and I will wear that orthopedic shoe in a sexy flesh color.
But I’m hoping that from within that noise, you might hear me now and help me. We are SO close to raising $10,000 for Make Room for Kids. $10,000 that will allow us, through the Mario Lemieux Foundation’s Austin’s Playroom Project and through a partnership with the regional Microsoft office, to provide a complete multimedia overhaul to THREE units within Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh.
We’re going to help the scoliosis kids who are undergoing painful, bed-confining spinal fusions.
“Imagine for a second that someone took a flagpole, covered it in spikes, used a blow torch to rip open your back, slammed the spike-covered pole into your back, then used rusty fishing hooks to sew you back together. That’s what spinal fusion feels like.”
We’re going to help the kids who are often required to remain mostly motionless for days in a row.
We’re going to help the kids who are using artificial hearts while they await a new heart that will give them their lives back.
We’re going to help every single heart patient that enters the doors of Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh.
We’re going to make sure they no longer have to wait for the shared Wii to be available to them to provide some distractions from the fact that their friends are outside those windows living their lives and growing and learning and soaking up the sun while they lay there ordered not to move.
We’re going to make it better for them, but only if you pitch in the cost of your morning latte. Can you do that for them? I promise you’ll be rewarded in some fashion, because that’s what the Karma Boomerang does. It’s the only thing on the Karma Boomerang’s resume. “Reward and punish reciprocally.” That’s it. And maybe, “Excellent Microsoft Office skills.” I don’t know.
Please hear my whisper and donate via the button under the thermometer. All funds go directly to The Mario Lemieux Foundation. We’ll use that money to outfit these units and to upgrade the games of the units we’ve already outfitted over the years. The Cancer kids are just begging for some new Madden. Let’s get it to them.
I’m going to embed this video and I ONLY WANT YOU TO WATCH FROM 1:06 until the Child Life Specialist is done talking. Then you click pause and stop watching. Because otherwise, it sounds like I’m bragging and I’m not trying to do that, otherwise I would have posted this video way back in November.
I just want you to hear directly from CHP about this program.
Group hug! I love you all.
Your Pittsburgh Pirates have generously donated to Make Room for Kids a prize pack chock full of goodies including game tickets and an autographed Pedro Alvarez baseball.
And instead of shoving these things into my closet while hissing “my preciousssssssssss,” I am going to be a good person and give the prize pack away to one lucky reader.
You can enter by commenting. I’ll keep this giveaway open until the moment the $10,000 is raised at which time random.org will pick a lucky winner who will receive:
- Pirates Cooler bag filled with:
- Pirates replica BP hat
- Starling Marte Fat Head
- Andrew McCutchen Bobblehead
- Raise the Jolly Roger Flag
- Pirates t-shirt
- Pirates wine set
- Pirates beach mat
- Pirates Tervis Tumbler travel mug
- 4 tickets to a Mon-Thurs game (except Opening Day)
- Autographed Pedro Alvarez baseball
I don’t know what the value of all this stuff would be, but I’m conservatively guessing it’s about four million dollars.
Keep them all for yourself. Dish them out as gifts throughout the year. Let your kids fight like Zappalas and Ories over them.
And since I am being so kind as to give this stuff away, PLEASE PLEASE donate a few bucks so our sick kids in the CICU, trauma, and ortho units at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh can receive a multimedia overhaul that will bring them gaming and distractions.
If you donated today before we switched the contest to comment to win, no worries. You’re entered! Good luck!
I wanted to take this opportunity to share with all of you while I’m on vacation a deep, soulful confession.
I love Portland, Oregon! LOVE IT! When I see these photos, my heart rises as high as the Cascades.
I mean, look at it! There’s mountains, trees, and even buildings. Not to mention literally tens of thousands of hipsters! I may just book a flight directly there from vacation and call movers to have all my shit shipped there. Doesn’t it look like a Best Places to Live? So much love!
You should go there today. Like right now.
(photos from Wikipedia)
Yesterday was … weird.
I’ve been busting my adorable jiggly ass to get this $10,000 raised for the kids at Children’s Hospital, so I’m constantly tweeting and Facebooking and social-media-ing like a 15-year-old Belieber.
Also, the word Belieber makes me want to kill things.
Hide your pigeons, Mike Tyson.
Anyway, you know that instead of writing “Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?” for years now I’ve written, “Anyone? Anyone? Zober?” because I like to pick on the Dread Lord Zober because I do not fear his mystical powers of darkness and destruction. Much.
And I was flabbergasted. The Dread Lord … giving his cash to the sick kids.
But would Lukey follow suit?
I died so hard I couldn’t even capitalize the i in “i just died.”
Either we’ve stumbled into some weird alternate universe, or this snow really is making everyone batshit crazy.
The Dread Lord, the wizard of doom, donated. Luke Ravenstahl, my sworn enemy — the Joker to my Batman, the Swiper to my Dora, the Newman to my Seinfeld, is donating. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if a pigeon tried to Paypal me some stale french fries or something.
Maybe you too want to throw a few bucks into the pot so we can give these suffering kids a bit of fun and diversion to help along their healing process?
Click the “Donate” button to donate directly into the Mario Lemieux Foundation account. Every little bit helps!
I love you guys.
This just happened.
The Dread Lord.
The Ruler of Darkness.
The Destroyer of People.
Donated to Make Room for Kids.
He DOES have a heart!
Your move, Lukey.
Your move too, readers.
For sick kids.