I cannot take another newspaper ad or another ridiculous scary-sounding television commercial by either Highmark or UPMC. Like, I haven’t been this stabby since Mayor Luke learned what a hashtag is.
I am sick of both of them. I don’t care who wins at this point, because they’re both going to lose; King Solomon is going to cut their baby in half.
We are not opening the Sunday paper to read these ads in the hopes of finally coming down on either side of the fence. I hate to tell you this, but there is no fence. It’s like the final three days leading up to an important election when we are mercilessly bombarded with scary-sounding ads at every turn. We start to hate everyone, even the person we’re going to vote for. We would get sick of our own father’s face if he was the one running for office. “Not this guy again. Ugh.”
Go read my message to UPMC and Highmark. Spread it. Share it. Make sure everyone reads it so that it will reach who it needs to at Highmark and UPMC and their eyes will open and they’ll say, “Wait. So you’re saying THE COMMERCIALS AND ADS ARE MAKING YOU HATE BOTH OF US?! HOW CAN THIS BE?!? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DUMBER THAN THAT! WHERE IS MY SECURITY BLANKIE MADE OF STITCHED-TOGETHER HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLZ?!”
It is time for the ad war to stop and working toward a solution to start, and that’s not going to happen until they realize I am speaking the truth. So let them hear it.
We’re sick of both of ya, Highmark and UPMC. At this point, we’re rooting for an asteroid.
A big one.
P.S. CAN YOU BELIEVE THE EDITOR ALLOWED THAT LAST GIF?!!?!?!?!?!? WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?!?!? I CANNOT STOP SHOUTING AT THE EPICNESS OF THAT!!!!!!!! ALL YOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS ARE BELONG TO US!!!!!!
Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl enters, spies the Secretary packing up her office into boxes.
“Her office” = donuts. “Boxes” = her mouth.
Mayor Luke: [sighs]
PittGirl: “Pick your shoulders up, Champ. There is a very very good chance this is the last time you’ll ever visit my office.”
Mayor: [eyes brighten] “Really?!”
PG: “Really! But before we hopefully say goodbye to the Office of That’s Church — the office of truth, of snark, of ‘telling it like it is no matter what,’ we need to discuss how INCREDIBLY, EPICALLY, MONSTROUSLY STUPID YOU ARE ON TWITTER.”
Luke: “I hate you.”
PG: “I bet you do! Have a seat.”
Luke: “Have we met?”
PG: “Fine. Stand.”
Luke: ”I will.”
PG: “Do you know that I used to hate your politician-speak? That weird ‘myself and others like myself’ vernacular you used to spout like a robot? I used to call it Politicobot 2000 or something like that. I hated it. You took 30 words to say something that could have been communicated in five words. I thought if we stripped away that important-sounding facade, we’d find you normal. Dare I say, likable. A regular Pittsburgh guy just trying his best to do the job he was, in some ways, thrust into. Are you seriously giggling because I just said ‘thrust?’”
Luke: “Shut up.”
PG: “I will not. So now your political aspirations have been snuffed out like a candle in the wind, Elton, and along with those aspirations went your Robot Politician Facade, and guess what was behind that facade? Guess. Go ahead. I’m telling you to guess. Say words.”
Luke: “What’s a fac–?”
PG: “BZZZZZ! Time’s up! What we have found behind the facade is what some suspected all along — a weird fratboy/meangirl hybrid with the grammar of a first grader and an addiction to useless hashtags.”
Luke: “Oh! Fratmeangirlboy!”
PG: [headdesk] “I hate you.”
Luke: “I bet you do!”
PG: “So you took to Twitter to publicly whine that a city police officer uses his off-duty time to ref NCAA basketball games and the media doesn’t care, but they bug you mercilessly about your schedule. You, in your holy righteous indignation, salivated as you thought you were about to make the media feel so so foolish. You linked to a schedule of his games and wrote. ‘Imagine if I was out of town this much!’ You hashtagged it with #justsayin — which, that alone is enough to make my bitchslapping hand feel kinda itchy, Luke. You manufactured this controversy mere DAYS after tweeting about how terrible it was that the media manufactures controversy. You also missed an important thing: that if city police officers are doing things you feel they shouldn’t on their off-time, YOU AS THE MAYOR SHOULD HANDLE THAT. THE FINAL BLAME FOR THAT SHOULD REST ON YOUR SHOULDERS. The irony of this is just about killing me, Lukey — like an anvil is going to fall on my head at any moment.”
Luke: [looks up hopefully]
PG: “What are you? Right at this moment. What are you?”
Luke: “A fratmeangirlboy!”
PG: “Lieutenant Scirotto is a police officer. YOU ARE THE MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY. This is beyond apples and oranges. This is bikes and pumpkins. The Pope and Kim Kardashian. POOP AND DIAMONDS. You’re trying to compare how much the media cares about a cop versus how much the media cares about the mayor. It’s LAUGHABLE. The media doesn’t really care where Lieutenant Scirotto is during his off time because he’s a police officer. However, the MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY answers to we the people. His schedule should be public. He should show up. He should lead. He should be as transparent as air. He should work so hard he ages before our very eyes. He should not, at any point in time, giggle at the word thrust.”
PG: ”I hate you.”
Luke: ”I hate you to infinity no backsies.”
PG: [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk]
Luke: ”Are we done?”
PG: ”No. I’m going to need you to hand over any hashtags you have on your person.”
Luke: ”Even #7yearsofsuccesses?!”
PG: ”ESPECIALLY #7yearsofsuccesses.”
Luke: “Fine. But I’m keeping #noclue.”
PG: “Knock yourself out.”
Luke: “Now are we done?”
PG: “My God, I hope so.”
Luke: “Bye. #itsbeenreal.” [turns to walk away]
PG: [rises, runs, tackles Lukey to the ground and rips the hashtag from his hands]
1. The other night, while listening to my son read his book-report book aloud (if I don’t make him read it aloud, he’ll skip chunks of pages at a time on account of laziness), he got to a part where one kid calls another kid a jackass. The look of pure joy on his face as he, without getting yelled at, uttered the word jackass three times … well, that’s the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m kidding, Dad. I know what the true meaning of Christmas is.
PRESENTS! DIAMONDS! CASH DOLLAH BILLZ! [makes it rain on the strippers]
And my phone will be ringing in three, two–
2. The winner of the Yinzer Gift Guide giveaway was notified and has accepted the prize. Shop the guide here!
3. It drives me insane — PURPLE MINION INSANE — when people refer to the Roberto Clemente Bridge as the Sixth Street Bridge, so I wrote about it for Pittsburgh Magazine, hoping to convince these lazy butts to stop being such jerkfaces:
This is not Snoop Lion Doggy Dogg Hedgehog Owl changing his name every time he moves his bowels. This is not the year of our Lord changing its name every 365 days. This is an iconic bridge whose name was changed once more than a decade ago. At this point, if you’re still calling it the Sixth Street Bridge, you’re just stubbornly refusing to put forth the same effort you do when writing the correct year on a check in early January.
4. Barebones Productions has to be having a hell of a time advertising this play in the local media:
“Things are starting to look up for recovering alcoholic Jackie and his girlfriend Veronica…until Jackie spots another man’s hat in their apartment and embarks on a sublimely incompetent quest for vengeance.”
I’m a big Patrick Jordan fan.
Can’t wait to see it. Tickets here.
I kinda love ‘em. Gonna do a giveaway of them soon.
(Not a paid ad.)
6. Interactive map of Pittsburgh’s lost inclines! Historygasm.
7. Community Human Services Holiday Gift Card drive is underway. It’s so easy to just buy a few gift cards for those in our city who need them the most. Check it out here.
I’m going to try to get my butt to the Hough’s party again this year.
8. Just me, putting a bug in your ear that in early February I’ll be begging you for some of your dollars to donate to the next phase of Make Room for Kids with the Mario Lemieux Foundation and local Microsoft folks. We are going to be outfitting two units at CHP with gaming and other tech distractions … the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit (CICU) and the Trauma Unit. More soon on that. Just do me a favor and set a few bucks aside for it. LOVE YOU!
9. Shut up! Fallingwater has a satellite holiday gift store downtown for the holiday shopping season!
I’m so there.
I like this one too:
11. Let’s check in with Jeff Reed on Twitter:
12. Has anyone heard from Shaun Suisham lately? Did he get the trash I left for him on his lawn?
Not at all.
UPDATED to include three new items donated by their respective shops: The Xmittens, the Alternate Histories print, and the Yinz mug!
It’s here, it’s here, it’s here, it’s here!
The 2013 Yinzer Gift Guide is up at Pittsburgh Magazine and look at all these gorgeous things I’ve hunted down for you. Affordable Burgh-made or Burgh-inspired gifts guaranteed to earn you some serious hugs and smooches this holiday season. Click the picture to be taken to the list, or scroll down to see which items I’m giving away because I love yinz like pigeons love pooping.
I’m giving away a few items from the official list, and one from the UN-listed list.
One lucky winner will receive:
– Heinz Christmas Pickle ornament, $15, paid for with my own moolah. Give this to pretty much anyone in your life:
– Heinz Ketchup ornament, $15, paid for with my own moolah.
– Moop Tiny Clutch No. 1 in charcoal and blue, $31, donated by Moop AFTER I picked them to be on the list. Perfect for moms, wives, sisters, friends and the like.
– Moop Tiny Clutch No. 2 in grey and orange $31, donated by Moop AFTER, etc.
– Fear the Beard socks $10, donated by Fresh Factory AFTER. Perfect for a Steeler fan:
– Penguins earrings from Perfectly Simple, $8, donated by Perfectly Simple AFTER. Pens fans will love!
– SmallTower Pittsburgh Skyline Print, $30, donated AFTER:
–Alternate Histories Monongahela Monster Print, $20
– Pittsburgh Pottery Yinz Mug, $20
– The wildly popular Xmittens, $35. You may receive a different color than that pictured.
That’s a retail value of $217 bucks saved on your gift list! If any other vendors from the list offer up a few goodies, I’ll update this post and the same winner will receive those items too.
To enter: Leave a comment, one comment per valid email address, and so you have something to say, you can do any of the following in your comment:
1. Shout out which item on the 2013 Yinzer Gift Guide is your favorite.
2. Shout out a locally-made or Burgh-inspired gift not on the list that you think I should consider for next year’s list.
3. Leave a generic comment, preferably one in which you say nice things about me.
4. Type the word “toot.” You’ll understand why when you go read the list.
You have until next Friday, November 29 at noon to enter, at which time Random.org will pick the winning comment number. Since none of the items are too big or heavy, guess what? If you’re not living in the Pittsburgh area, I’ll mail the prize pack to any of the contiguous 48 states.
If you live in Portland, I’ll probably include a little handwritten note that says “SUCK IT.”
[swishes cape and runs off in dramatic fashion]
My 2013 Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide will be up this week over at PittsburghMagazine.com, giving you plenty of time to get orders in to be delivered in time for the holidays.
This year’s list was especially hard to compile what with so many great Burghy gifts entering the market since last year. As you know, the goal of the list is to show you gifts that are either made BY Burghers, ABOUT Pittsburgh, or IN Pittsburgh.
Suck it, China. And for the hell of it, you too, Portland.
While these items didn’t make the list this year for one reason or another, I still wanted to share them with you because they’re all worthy gifts:
Category: ABOUT Pittsburgh
Why it’s not on the list: Holy pricey, Batman! I have trouble recommending you spend $80 on a pair of socks unless those socks have a 50 dollar bill inside of them.
Why it’s awesome: Most black and gold gear looks like Steely McBeam either puked or died on it. Not at Slaterzorn where classy, upscale team-themed apparel is available to gift to the people in your life who love the Steelers, Pens, and/or Bucs, but who wouldn’t wear a bedazzled hypocycloid even if you threatened to take away their country club membership.
Here’s a sampling of the pricey, but oh so gorgeous gear for men and women:
Want. I don’t know. I might include the scarves on the official list. But still … $85?! Wah.
Category: ABOUT Pittsburgh, BY Burghers
Why it’s not on the list: It’s a PG-rated magazine.
Why it’s awesome: [snicker]
Category: ABOUT, BY, and IN
Why it’s not on the list: I chose different jewelry to feature on the list …
Why it’s awesome: … but these are funky and adorable and come in a crazy cute variety. The mustache ones are just knocking my socks off.
Category: ABOUT, BY, and IN
Why it’s not on the list: I featured their 2012 fundraising ornament last year, and wanted to put a different non-profit-benefiting gift on the list this year.
Why it’s awesome: This ornament, like last year’s, was designed by one of their program members. There are only 500 available, so get one while you can for a suggested donation of $20. $25 if you want them to mail it to you.
Category: BY Burghers, IN Pittsburgh
Why it’s not on the list: ALL. OF. THE. DOLLARS.
Why it’s awesome: I was hunting for a watch made in Pittsburgh (I feel like some Burgher somewhere should be Kickstarting a line of steel watches or something. Get on that.) These watches are local and they are incredible. AND ALL OF THE DOLLARS! So if your middle name is McMoneyBags, these are for you, ranging in price from a bit over $2,000 to ALL OF THE DOLLARS:
Seriously gorgeous. Seriously out of my budget.
Now I’m off to spend my day at the History Center, the Incline gift shop, Wildcard, and possibly the Pittsburgh Public Market for one final hunt for cute Burghy gifts that I might have missed, and then the Yinzer Gift Guide will be ready to go.
Be prepared to repent of covetousness.