(From steelers.com)

The sports-writers of the Internet are manufacturing some ridiculous drama after Hines Ward, while being interviewed on the NFL channel about his possible future as a sports broadcaster, was asked if Ben had addressed the team yet, and Hines said that he hadn’t. Hines was then asked if he felt Ben should address the whole team regarding what happened in Georgia and Hines said, “I think so. A lot of players really don’t know the situation, other than what we hear in the news or the media. I think when he addresses the whole team going into training camp, we can all put it behind us and move forward.”

USA Today said, “Pittsburgh Steelers WR Hines Ward said Wednesday that QB Ben Roethlisberger has more work to do in order to win back the faith of his teammates before training camp.”

Ron Cook said, “Then, later in the week, Roethlisberger was called out publicly by teammate Hines Ward, who said Ben needs to address the Steelers as a group about his off-field indiscretions.”

ProFootball Talk said, “In other words, Ward expects Ben to address the whole team going into training camp.”

Countless articles and blog posts about Hines Ward publicly calling out Ben Roethlisberger.

Ugh.

Hines was asked a question and he answered it. He didn’t call Ben out publicly so much as he was baited and he took the bait.

Drama, drama, drama.

How about we forget about the fake drama and focus on the REAL drama, the fact that Troy Polamalu’s young friend Heather Miller died from cancer at age 11, and he wasn’t her only Steeler friend:

Take the ones that rolled down Wendy’s face recently when she went through some of the text messages on Heather’s cell phone. She was standing in the kitchen of her Osterburg home when she came across the final text [Casey] Hampton sent to Heather.

Hampton had been in Miami, preparing to play in the Pro Bowl, and he had called Heather to check on her. Her physical condition prevented Heather from talking on the phone.

So Hampton sent her a text message: “If you’re feeling up to it, give me a call. If not, just know I love you.”

Forget Hines’ big mouth or Ben’s off-field shenanigans and the giant Cloud of Drama and Doom circling over their heads.

Remember Heather Miller and her super friends.

Wendy gets just as emotional when she recalls the call from Polamalu on Jan. 29. It came less than a half hour after Heather’s death.

“Wendy,” Polamalu said, “she’s the lucky one.”

1.  It’s that time of the year when I make up my mind to lose the weight I put on over the winter, and this winter, what with the snowmageddonness of it, was especially nom-nom-nom for me.  Oooh! A handful of year-old M-n-Ms in the couch cushions? DEVOUR!

Problem is that I keep being sabotaged in my efforts to lose the winter pounds.  Sabotaged by my mother giving me a half a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese.  Sabotaged by birthday cakes.  Sabotaged by family dinners at my parent’s house.  Sabotaged by the kids’ treat basket.

What I need is a stomach virus.  10 lbs. in three days.  Bam.

2.  The Fan interviewed my self-united husband Daniel Sepulveda, and as pointed out to me by butler Mike, Daniel basically says, when asked about his relationship with Benny, that while they will be there for Benny as a football team, he can’t really speak much to what Benny is like as a person because they haven’t spoken more than three sentences to each other in the three years their lockers have been touching.

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

As Mike said, “Maybe because Benny’s an asshole?”

3.  Ed Bouchette is filing reports on PG+ (pronounced lindar vithel in Elvish) from the NFL owners’ meeting in Orlando, and among his snippets about Mike Tomlin snubbing Pittsburgh reporters only to have him grant interviews to the NFL network, lies this snippet about Benny:

I can tell you it continues to be a hot topic in Orlando. I had a chance to talk to a handful of club officials and some from the league before their 9 a.m. meeting with Goodell today and I’ve come to the conclusion that if he is charged in this incident, his days playing for the Steelers could be over.

Can you imagine the Steelers without The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross?  WHO WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE THEN?!

4.  Roller derby is back in action with a new season and I’ll be attending the April 17th match since I missed the sold-out home opener.  Can not wait.  Going to get me a ‘Snot Rocket Science shirt!

Also, check out the mascot for her Steel Hurtin’ team.  Meet Miss Judy Squeakers who I don’t need to tell you kinda looks like a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon.

I say that with love.

5.  John Steigerwald wrote a blog post in which he called Benny a “punk” and a “jackass” and even mentioned drugs.  Mondesi’s House has an interview with John about it.  Check it out.

6.  A brilliant idea! Mix glitter with rice then feed it to the pigeons and VOILA!  Nature’s fireworks complete with a satisfying popping sound.

(h/t Stephanie)

7.  Troysus Polamalu and his doggies and his HOTNESS film a commercial for Nemacolin’s dog resort.  This video has the candid behind-the-scenes stuff.

(h/t Leo and Jim)

8.  Screenwriter Carl Kurlander of St. Elmo’s Fire fame and who was once asked by Oprah about his move back home, “PITTSBURGH?!?!  PITTSBURGH?!?!,” is showing his Tale of Two Cities, a movie about his move from Hollywood to Pittsburgh, at SouthSide Works Cinema until March 25, before taking his movie on the road to places like Capitol Hill, Delray Beach, Tempe, Arizona, and the Boston Museum of Fine Arts.

As he writes on the facebook page:

Please help us spread the word as the film has been picked up for distribution and if we can sell enough tickets this week, it could really make a difference in getting the movie out there.

Buy your tickets here!

(source)

Not to get all preachy on your asses, but have you ever noticed how shitty people can be?

Like, there are people in this world who when faced with two choices of 1. be a negative asshole and 2. DON’T be a negative asshole, they will always choose number 1.  It doesn’t matter if they’re reading a blog, waiting for some pedestrians to cross a street, or if they’re being accosted for autographs.  “THIS IS A STUPID BLOG BUT I’M GOING TO KEEP READING IT JUST SO I CAN CONTINUE TO TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE!” “HURRY UP, CRIPPLED LADY!” “EFF OFF, KIDS!”

Then there are those people who seem to be incapable of being a negative asshole and one of those people is Troysus Polamalu.

[chorus of angels vocalizing]

This story appears first in Arizona where it happened and has since been picked up by the boys at 96.1 and by my colleague over at Pittsburgh Magazine, Sean Conboy.

Go read what Troysus did for some kids, the most important part being this:

And then Polamalu had a better idea.  He gathered up some of the kids and headed outside for a game of pick-up football.

They got to play a pickup game of football with Troysus Polamalu for more than 30 minutes, which, had I been there, we would not have started that game without a long discussion of why it is vital that we play shirts versus skins and why it is crucial to the survival of all that is good and decent and nom-tastic in this world that Troysus be on the skins team.

[sigh]

Listen, I understand Troy Polamalu is human (?) and that he has faults (?) and that he can’t possibly be perfect (?).  I’m just saying that in the six years I’ve been blogging, in all the emails I have received from readers telling me about negative encounters they’ve had with various local celebrities, in all the rumors I’ve heard about certain Steelers and local politicians and newscasters, in all the swirling muck of human weakness, never once has anyone written me to let me know that that Troy Polamalu guy is a real negative asshole.

That’s gotta count for something.

Also, it looks warm there in Arizona, so I’d just like to end this post by saying, once again, EFF THIS WINTER.

Click here to view the embedded video.

If you’ve never seen the turtle that ate the pigeon, then prepare yourself for an orgasm:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Need a cigarette?

(h/t Big Bob over at 96.1)

Yeah, I’m really late with this.  There was a glitch in the Matrix: the season ended and I’m very MEH about the Miami game because it was all for naught.

But let’s talk about it anyway so that we can wrap this season up and start focusing our collective sports butt-slapping energies on the Penguins, who could clearly use our mojo these days, and then on the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management, players, money, bats, talent, exorcists, etc.

Did anyone else do any of the following during the game or was it just me?

a. Regularly scan the sidelines for any glimpse of Tyler Grisham.

b. Watch the score ticker on the bottom of the screen way more than you used to because you wanted to see how our playoff chances were faring.

c. Give a little [sigh] when you briefly spotted Tyler Grisham.

d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:

God bless Jeff Verzsyla for just laying it all out there for us.  IT’S GOING TO BE ENDLESSLY COLD!  NO END IN SIGHT!  COLD AND COLDER STILL! REPENT NOW! BE SAVED! SIT AND SPIN!

Brr.

Let’s really talk about the useless game.

1.  Mike Wallace once again comes through with a BIG. GIANT. POINTS-EARNING. PLAY!  This a 54-yard touchdown that made me go do some more research into this man to find out what he looks like without a helmet on his head, and I discovered, yummy.

Incidentally, my husband met Mike Wallace yesterday when he was fortunate enough to visit the Steelers with a few journalists visiting from Mexico City.  He tells me that Mike Wallace was “amazing” with him and the journalists.  Ridiculously nice, cracking jokes, shouting “AMIGOS!” when he learned they were from Mexico, and then making sure his faux-hawk was nice and pointy before gladly getting his picture taken with them.  The same attitude was evident in LaMarr Woodley as well.  In fact, my husband said every Steeler they met was awesome with them, save for one, but we’ll just assume that Hines was having a bad day and leave it at that. Maybe he couldn’t find his blue binky or something.

2.  Pat White went up against Ike Taylor and got knocked the eff out.  Immediately. Rag doll.

I appreciated how quickly the Steelers sideline realized he was out and motioned for help.  I appreciated how truly concerned everyone seemed.  I appreciated Benny seeming affected by the injury.

I did NOT appreciate Ike Taylor removing his helmet to show us that he let Junie B. Jones cut his hair.

WTF is that on his head?  A map to buried treasure?  A vagina?

I don’t know.

But I think Vagina-Head is a good nickname for someone.

Vagina-Head also had a crucial interception that helped us win this game that meant nothing.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3.  Speaking of, these are the only two pictures of the cheerleaders the NFL posted for this game:

Someone get that girl a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon, STAT.

Also, that photographer REALLY loves his vagina-hunting job.  Geez.  Can’t you just hear him?  “No bajingo. Delete.  No bajingo. Delete.  BAJINGOS! Publish.”

4.  After weeks and weeks of run, run, pass, punt, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, field goal, run, run — well, I should stop because I’m totally leaking the Steelers’ offensive playbook here.  Anyway, on Sunday, the Steelers tried the gadgetiest gadget play that ever gadgeted.

Benny, the quarterback, tossed the ball to Santonio, a wide receiver, who then threw a long bomb down the field into Parkway rush hour traffic to Mendenhall, a RUNNING BACK.

Quarterback tossing to a wide receiver who throws long to a running back in traffic = interception.  Every time.

I give them credit for trying something different, but that was akin to a play in which Benny lets the ball get snapped to Max Starks who runs the ball for six yards and then hands it to Tyler Grisham who strips his shirt off before running backwards ten yards where he then throws the ball BACK to Benny who spies an open Mike Tomlin who catches the ball and punts it to the end zone where Jeff Reed is waiting to score the touchdown.  You know what?  That’s brilliant.  I’m going to call that play TYLER GRISHAM IS YUMMY.

Which he is:

You’re welcome.

(Update: Offensive Coordinator, Bruce “Run, Run, Pass, Run, Run, Pass” Arians was fired today is rumored to be fired this week.  That’s because he doesn’t have the Tyler Grisham is Yummy play in his playbook.  Bye-bye, Bruce.)

5.  LaMarr Woodley has been turned into a Sack Monster which is useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

6.  Heath Miller did ballet-worthy moves to stay in bounds to score a touchdown, which was useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

7.  Meh.

8.  Oh, I can’t even pretend to care anymore.  I’m sorry.  The season is over and nothing that happened at this game really meant anything. It didn’t.  I can’t even bring myself to finish hunting through all the pictures to find the perfect one to LOL caption with, “I can haz golf nao?”

Yes, go golf, Steelers.  Enjoy the off-season and for the love of Myron, come back this fall understanding that football games don’t end in 45-minutes.

Everyone needs to come back hungrier.

Except the fat people, Benny.

Everyone needs to come back angrier.

Except the babymama beaters, Santonio and James.

Everyone needs to come back stronger, healthier, and faster, and for the love of God, Tyler Grisham needs to just come back.

We won. Season is over.  Hockey is now.

Let’s go Pens.

And ye scurvy dogs of suckitude.

Arrrr.