(source)

Not to get all preachy on your asses, but have you ever noticed how shitty people can be?

Like, there are people in this world who when faced with two choices of 1. be a negative asshole and 2. DON’T be a negative asshole, they will always choose number 1.  It doesn’t matter if they’re reading a blog, waiting for some pedestrians to cross a street, or if they’re being accosted for autographs.  “THIS IS A STUPID BLOG BUT I’M GOING TO KEEP READING IT JUST SO I CAN CONTINUE TO TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE!” “HURRY UP, CRIPPLED LADY!” “EFF OFF, KIDS!”

Then there are those people who seem to be incapable of being a negative asshole and one of those people is Troysus Polamalu.

[chorus of angels vocalizing]

This story appears first in Arizona where it happened and has since been picked up by the boys at 96.1 and by my colleague over at Pittsburgh Magazine, Sean Conboy.

Go read what Troysus did for some kids, the most important part being this:

And then Polamalu had a better idea.  He gathered up some of the kids and headed outside for a game of pick-up football.

They got to play a pickup game of football with Troysus Polamalu for more than 30 minutes, which, had I been there, we would not have started that game without a long discussion of why it is vital that we play shirts versus skins and why it is crucial to the survival of all that is good and decent and nom-tastic in this world that Troysus be on the skins team.

[sigh]

Listen, I understand Troy Polamalu is human (?) and that he has faults (?) and that he can’t possibly be perfect (?).  I’m just saying that in the six years I’ve been blogging, in all the emails I have received from readers telling me about negative encounters they’ve had with various local celebrities, in all the rumors I’ve heard about certain Steelers and local politicians and newscasters, in all the swirling muck of human weakness, never once has anyone written me to let me know that that Troy Polamalu guy is a real negative asshole.

That’s gotta count for something.

Also, it looks warm there in Arizona, so I’d just like to end this post by saying, once again, EFF THIS WINTER.

Click here to view the embedded video.

If you’ve never seen the turtle that ate the pigeon, then prepare yourself for an orgasm:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Need a cigarette?

(h/t Big Bob over at 96.1)

Yeah, I’m really late with this.  There was a glitch in the Matrix: the season ended and I’m very MEH about the Miami game because it was all for naught.

But let’s talk about it anyway so that we can wrap this season up and start focusing our collective sports butt-slapping energies on the Penguins, who could clearly use our mojo these days, and then on the Pirates, who could clearly use new ownership, management, players, money, bats, talent, exorcists, etc.

Did anyone else do any of the following during the game or was it just me?

a. Regularly scan the sidelines for any glimpse of Tyler Grisham.

b. Watch the score ticker on the bottom of the screen way more than you used to because you wanted to see how our playoff chances were faring.

c. Give a little [sigh] when you briefly spotted Tyler Grisham.

d. Really really really wish you were in Miami where their snots aren’t in a constant state of frozen due to this:

God bless Jeff Verzsyla for just laying it all out there for us.  IT’S GOING TO BE ENDLESSLY COLD!  NO END IN SIGHT!  COLD AND COLDER STILL! REPENT NOW! BE SAVED! SIT AND SPIN!

Brr.

Let’s really talk about the useless game.

1.  Mike Wallace once again comes through with a BIG. GIANT. POINTS-EARNING. PLAY!  This a 54-yard touchdown that made me go do some more research into this man to find out what he looks like without a helmet on his head, and I discovered, yummy.

Incidentally, my husband met Mike Wallace yesterday when he was fortunate enough to visit the Steelers with a few journalists visiting from Mexico City.  He tells me that Mike Wallace was “amazing” with him and the journalists.  Ridiculously nice, cracking jokes, shouting “AMIGOS!” when he learned they were from Mexico, and then making sure his faux-hawk was nice and pointy before gladly getting his picture taken with them.  The same attitude was evident in LaMarr Woodley as well.  In fact, my husband said every Steeler they met was awesome with them, save for one, but we’ll just assume that Hines was having a bad day and leave it at that. Maybe he couldn’t find his blue binky or something.

2.  Pat White went up against Ike Taylor and got knocked the eff out.  Immediately. Rag doll.

I appreciated how quickly the Steelers sideline realized he was out and motioned for help.  I appreciated how truly concerned everyone seemed.  I appreciated Benny seeming affected by the injury.

I did NOT appreciate Ike Taylor removing his helmet to show us that he let Junie B. Jones cut his hair.

WTF is that on his head?  A map to buried treasure?  A vagina?

I don’t know.

But I think Vagina-Head is a good nickname for someone.

Vagina-Head also had a crucial interception that helped us win this game that meant nothing.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3.  Speaking of, these are the only two pictures of the cheerleaders the NFL posted for this game:

Someone get that girl a black and gold hand-crocheted tampon, STAT.

Also, that photographer REALLY loves his vagina-hunting job.  Geez.  Can’t you just hear him?  “No bajingo. Delete.  No bajingo. Delete.  BAJINGOS! Publish.”

4.  After weeks and weeks of run, run, pass, punt, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, run, run, pass, field goal, run, run — well, I should stop because I’m totally leaking the Steelers’ offensive playbook here.  Anyway, on Sunday, the Steelers tried the gadgetiest gadget play that ever gadgeted.

Benny, the quarterback, tossed the ball to Santonio, a wide receiver, who then threw a long bomb down the field into Parkway rush hour traffic to Mendenhall, a RUNNING BACK.

Quarterback tossing to a wide receiver who throws long to a running back in traffic = interception.  Every time.

I give them credit for trying something different, but that was akin to a play in which Benny lets the ball get snapped to Max Starks who runs the ball for six yards and then hands it to Tyler Grisham who strips his shirt off before running backwards ten yards where he then throws the ball BACK to Benny who spies an open Mike Tomlin who catches the ball and punts it to the end zone where Jeff Reed is waiting to score the touchdown.  You know what?  That’s brilliant.  I’m going to call that play TYLER GRISHAM IS YUMMY.

Which he is:

You’re welcome.

(Update: Offensive Coordinator, Bruce “Run, Run, Pass, Run, Run, Pass” Arians was fired today is rumored to be fired this week.  That’s because he doesn’t have the Tyler Grisham is Yummy play in his playbook.  Bye-bye, Bruce.)

5.  LaMarr Woodley has been turned into a Sack Monster which is useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

6.  Heath Miller did ballet-worthy moves to stay in bounds to score a touchdown, which was useless now that we’re not in the playoffs.

7.  Meh.

8.  Oh, I can’t even pretend to care anymore.  I’m sorry.  The season is over and nothing that happened at this game really meant anything. It didn’t.  I can’t even bring myself to finish hunting through all the pictures to find the perfect one to LOL caption with, “I can haz golf nao?”

Yes, go golf, Steelers.  Enjoy the off-season and for the love of Myron, come back this fall understanding that football games don’t end in 45-minutes.

Everyone needs to come back hungrier.

Except the fat people, Benny.

Everyone needs to come back angrier.

Except the babymama beaters, Santonio and James.

Everyone needs to come back stronger, healthier, and faster, and for the love of God, Tyler Grisham needs to just come back.

We won. Season is over.  Hockey is now.

Let’s go Pens.

And ye scurvy dogs of suckitude.

Arrrr.

I’m aware that not all of you are diehard Steelers fans (May God have mercy on your souls), but I’ve got to get some Steelers news out of the way here.  But you can rest assured that my next post has nothing to do with the Steelers.  Because it is about cats.

Hand to God.

Okay, stuff:

1.  Troysus got an acting agent because he must want to be the next Terry Bradshaw.  I’m thinking, with his hair, he could totally play Slash in the Lifetime Original Movie, Blind No More — Brushing the Hair Out of My Eyes: The Slash Story.

Here’s a fun fact, with my hair, I could ALSO play that role.

I need an agent. And a penis. And a guitar. And hookers and blow.

(h/t Viv)

2.  My dad is totally going to call me about the hookers and blow line.

3.  Cabbage Patch Baby Cici Donna and James Harrison have made the Pro Bowl. And that’s it.

I call shenanigans on this because Benny has done more than enough this year to earn a Pro Bowl spot.

It’s not often you find me coming to Benny’s defense, and this must be twice in as many weeks that I’ve done it, and look at that there snowman the pigeons built in hell.

Benny needs to do or say something real douchey soon so I can get my Duke of Fug/Earl of Gross mojo back.

4.  Lamarr Woodley is obviously trying to get Cincinnati mad enough to actually play the game Sunday:

“All of them will lay down,” said Woodley, who leads the Steelers with 11.5 sacks, third in the AFC. “No one wants to see Pittsburgh in there. That’s just how it is. Everybody knows we’re a dangers (sic) team once we get into the playoffs no matter how we played throughout the whole year.”

Well, whine about it all you want Lamarr, but our playoff hopes should never have gotten this dim to begin with.

Coach agrees:

“I could care less how the Bengals approach what it is they do,” he said.  “We created this situation. What we are going to do is control what we can control, and that’s our preparation of play for the game.”

5.  Hines is hurt.

Receiver Hines Ward now has injuries to both hamstrings. Tomlin: “Hines is miserable … . He’s got two hamstrings and a myriad of other issues. It gives him a bad disposition, but he’ll show.”

Since I have only ever known Hines Ward to have two “dispositions,” that being THE HAPPIEST, SMILIEST, SUNSHINEY MAN ON THE PLANET or weeping, I’m going to assume “bad disposition” means weeping.

6.  This might be Willie Parker’s last game as a Steeler.

Hey, maybe Troysus could play Willie in his Lifetime Original Movie, More Than an Ouchie — Turf Toe Ruined My Career: The Willie Parker Story.

Me: Did you go straight downstairs on Christmas morning to see what was under the tree, or did you come wake us up first?

Son:  I went STRAIGHT DOWNSTAIRS.

Me: And what did you see?

Son:  I saw the presents that weren’t there the night before and I saw a present that looked like the same size and shape as a DSi box.

Me:  What did you do then?

Son:  I fell to my knees.

PRAISE BABY JESUS IN THE MANGER, IT’S A DSi!

2.  Lukey’s champion Jim Motznik is no longer on City Council, because God bless America, a man with only a high school diploma can become a judge.  This is the part where I reveal that I’m an idiot because I thought you had to have a law degree to be a judge.

(h/t the419)

3.  If you missed it, Iran’s Ahmadinejad said his police and military violence toward protesters in his country is similar to the violence against protesters that happened here in Pittsburgh.  Here are 38 pictures that prove Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy.

4.  Burgher cutie pie Amy Colalella has made it to the final two to win the Miley Cyrus Be a Star contest, which started out with 10,000 contestants.  Amy would win a recording contract and a recording session with Miley Cyrus.  I’m not a teen and Miley Cyrus makes me a little stabbity, but lordy, even I knew that THIS IS A REALLY BIG GIANT DEAL!

It looks like the final takes place on January 13, at which time I’ll be letting you know to go vote for our local cutie, who happens to be mucho talentoso, writes the wife of a Mexican.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Let’s help her get her recording contract!

(h/t Amy’s friend Andrea)

5. Daniel Sepulveda made Sports Illustrated’s All Decade College Football Team.  And all the men say “meh” and all the ladies say “OM NOM NOM NOM!”

(h/t Stephanie)

6.  My posting of shirtless pictures of future Smokin’ Hot Burgher Tyler Grisham, whose name we ladies have committed to our memory and written on our hearts, has brought an outpouring of WAH from the men that I don’t feature enough hot local ladies on this here blog.  I’ll see what I can do.  This is me, going to email Julie Bologna to see if she’s got a bikini picture I can post.  I bet she says,  “Bitch, please. No.”

7.  The Buccos of Suckitude did some stuff.  Got rid of Matt Capps, maybe signed some guys.  I don’t know.  I’ll care come April when I’ll be all, “THIS IS THE YEAR!  PARTY WITH ME ON THE BANDWAGON, BAYBEES!”

8.  Troysus might play Sunday, and he might not.  It might not matter.  Now, my husband informs me that there is no way that Bill Belichick will throw the game on Sunday, but that he’s not too sure about Marvin Lewis.  So the official playoff scenario is that we need a Steelers win, a Patriots win, and the Bengals to grow a collective pair.

9.  The reader that emailed me this pic informed me that the pigeons were making out …

And I say it looks more to me like one of the knowing bastards is eating the face of the other knowing bastard, and not in the “I love you, let’s publicly suck face” way but in the “I’m hungry and you’re here and Satan said I could eat Ginny’s face, but I can’t find her” way.

Tomato, tomahto.

(h/t Nate)