What They’re Really Thinking: Woodland creatures edition

As I’ve indicated before on my blog, my best friend from college lives in Cincinnati and is a die-hard season ticket-holding fan of the Bungles, the Beagles, the PUKE-ITTY SUCKY SUCKS or any other manner of names I’ve thrown at him over the past 15 years (and now that I have just done that math … HOLY EFFIN’ BLIPPITY BLIP BLOOP, I’M OLD!).

He sent me a text last Tuesday asking if I could get him tickets because he wanted to come visit to see the Bengals/Steelers game.

I of course responded in my standard class-ay fashion:


It ended up being that he got called away on a business trip and wasn’t able to come for the game.  When the final whistle blew, I was sure I would be hearing from him via text or email, letting me know that NEENER NEENER NEENER.  But it didn’t come.   All day.  I thought perhaps I had escaped the taunting, but being evil like he is, he ever so softly tagged my facebook wall when I wasn’t looking:


Like I said, I’m a classy broad.

Let’s talk football.

1.  Jimmy Fallon can die.

Bringing up the stupid Madden cover and the Madden curse just when Troysus finally seemed to shake it and BAM!  Injured again.


Look how scared Troy is just being in the same room as that cover!

I suggest that Madden 2011 have Tom Brady and a flock of pigeons on the cover.  And Marian Hossa.


2.  Rashard Mendenhall came back to Earth after several weeks on Cloud Bettis, running for just 36 yards. Meh.

3.  I would just like to take a moment to talk to the ladies about how nice it was when Greg Warren screwed up the field goal snap a bit, forcing Daniel Sepulvedanomnom to have to make a grab for it before setting it, forcing the NFL to show us a nice slow-motion replay where we got to look at Daniel’s body and his nice hands and arms for an extended period of time, especially if you paused and played the already slow motion replay in additional slow motion, and then we got to watch him on the sidelines talking and smiling and just being nom-nomable.  Gosh.  I love football.  Group hug.

Okay, let’s let the guys back in the room.

4.  Benny, Benny, Benny, wherefore art thou fair King of Quarterbackylonia?

Were’st thou so mad with schizophrenia that thou didn’t know whether to throw the ball or not thus resulting in sacks and interceptions?

Were’st thou engaged in frivolities with the village wenches?

Werest thou angered and thusly unfocused because you were tackled by your penis?


Were’st thou distracted because thou was busy waiting for thou’s leapfrog partner?

Hey, I didn’t know Logan was a little person!  Man, you learn something new every day.

I don’t know what happened (I suspect it had something to do with a dismal O-line), but I miss our king and he better be back ruling with a pump fake by next week lest I start hating his fug, gross guts again.

Does that make me fickle?

5.  James Harrison lost his cool and punched a guy for no reason other than to punch a guy.  Stay classy, James.

6.  Jeff Reed managed to both score all of our points AND make a complete ass out of himself once again by missing a tackle while looking like a chunky gerbil trying to chase down a puma.

Did I hit that nail on the head or what?

Let’s take a look.

Here we have our fat gerbil and our puma.  Note the gerbil is looking in the opposite direction of the approaching puma and is running AWAY from the puma.

I can’t even be sure what’s going on in the gerbil’s mind at this moment, but I imagine every third word is slut or maybe “It’s Electric! Boogie woogie woogie.”

Now, here the puma has overtaken the gerbil and once again, the gerbil is looking and running AWAY from the very puma he is to be pursuing:

This is confusing.  Does the gerbil just not give a damn about the puma?

And finally, the gerbil is concerned he might be having a heart attack from the exertion he put forth in pretending like he wanted to catch the puma:

Whew.  Someone get that boy a Gatorade.

So, reader carpetbagger has an idea and that is this, why doesn’t Daniel Sepulvedanomnom kick off?

Can you guys answer that for me?  Is a punter incapable/not allowed to handle kickoffs?

Anything would be better than this sexed-up gerbil, considering how dismal our special teams are at not letting the runner get as far as the kicker.

7.  I can’t handle this losing to the Bengals shit.  I really can’t.  And losing in this fashion — the complete utter lack of an offensive touchdown. It’s embarrassing.

Something needs to be fixed and Mike Tomlin best get to fixing it.

8.  Finally, if I ever write a children’s book called The Fat Gerbil and The Puma, in the end, the puma will eat the gerbil and the forest will cheer and fairies will dance.

And finally finally, The Sexed Up Gerbils would make a fantastic punk rock band name.


  1. unsatisfied
    November 18, 2009 8:35 am

    I’m just happy that the troll is actually using his usual sign-in name instead of trying to pose as someone else. GOOD for YOU!

  2. Scott R Priester
    November 18, 2009 11:47 am

    red pen mama Says:
    November 18th, 2009 at 8:07 am

    I have to wonder why people who do not like this blog and do not like what Ginny writes about keep coming back to this blog…………

    Well Red Pen MAMA….Here’s a bit of a lesson for you. First a question……

    Do you think that everyone who reads some of the greatest columnists in the world read because they like that person? Here’s a hint…they don’t. A great example………Ann Coulter…you think everyone reads what she writes because everyone likes her? Hardly. How about Rush Limbaugh, you think people listen to or read his rubbish all listen or read because they like him? One more example, Sara Palin……do you think everyone who reads her book is going to read it because they like her? I watched an interview with her the other day, just because she’s such a fool. My eyes and ears were bleeding by the time it was over, but I sure as hell didn’t tune in because I’m a fan.

    Some people find entertainment in foolishness just as they find entertainment in things they approve or agree with. So, you see, I get a kick out of the constant bashing of Jeff Reed. I should say, I get a kick out of the predictability of the Jeff Reed bashing. It’s definitely beyond old. I think there is an underlying reason for it, but of course, couldn’t prove it.

    There’s one commonality between Ginny and her followers……everyone is quick to be critical or insulting of one’s performance or career or lifestyle. Just like when I post something, a certain person posts immature remarks about my career. If you believe in Karma…something I wouldn’t be doing considering the job market as we head in to 2010.

    And by the way, all she has to do is block me :)

  3. spoon
    November 18, 2009 12:21 pm

    So you’re saying that Ginny is one of the greatest columnists in the world?

    That’s so sweet. See I knew you had a crush.

  4. e$
    November 18, 2009 1:03 pm

    ginny- i just cried my ‘effin eyes out reading the ‘callapittar’ blog, so thanks for making me feel better with ‘fat gerbil’ pictures/comments… jeff reed can suck it.

  5. red pen mama
    November 18, 2009 1:48 pm

    SRP, You’re also not out there telling Ann Coulter, Palin, or Limbaugh what to say. Neither are their critics. On the other hand, you are asking Ginny to stop bashing Jeff Reed.

    I despise Coulter et al, and I refuse to give them a listen. They piss me off beyond belief. As do you. I don’t need effing lessons from some letters-to-the-editor published writer. I’m not sure what you’re implying with your all caps MAMA, Scott R. PRIESTER. But I also think we’ve hogged Ginny’s space enough. Why don’t you give me your email address — or, hey, your blog url — and we can take it up there? thanks!

    and Ginny doesn’t block anyone. Not even trolls. God bless her little heart.

    @spoon, I love you. That is all.


  6. mindymin
    November 18, 2009 2:19 pm


    You are operating under the delusion that anyone gives a rats patootie about your opinion of Ginny’s blog. I think i can safely speak for most of us in saying we really dont care. You obviously have some social awkwardness & superiority issues that you really should talk to someone about…just do us all a favor and discuss it elsewhere. The entire tone of what you write is snarky, intentionally ignorant & amazingly snide and to what end? Do you think youre better than anyone here? The word Troll is so damn appropriate in this scenario. You get off on getting people all riled up…good for you, go bother someone else’s blog. I applaud Ginny for NOT blocking you…i think you’d get some kind of twisted pleasure out of knowing someone gave enough of a shit about you to block you. Continue to spew your bile if that’s what makes you feel better; but rest assured its not going to make you any more important, its not going to make your dick bigger, its not going to make women adore you (or men if thats what your into…i dont know you so ya know), its not going to make anyone listen or give more value to your thoughts or ideas…its just going to make you continue to look like a horse’s ass. The impression you leave is not one of maturity, intelligence or originality…its more trite arrogance, combative stupidity & egomaniacle idiocy.

    So please…if you find nothing of value here, nothing amusing here, and nothing worth reading then go the fuck away. having to scan past your responses int he comments is just friggin annoying…

  7. red pen mama
    November 18, 2009 2:24 pm

    Sorry for feeding the troll. I went against my own mantra!


  8. Bojack
    November 18, 2009 2:43 pm


    Ya know, I don’t begrudge or belittle anyone working and making an honest living, (so obviously Lukey, Dan-Whore, & ALL polits are out!,) so I was feeling just the tiniest, slightest twinge of guilt re: your work (although I didn’t realize kiosk sales is actually a career as opposed to a job;) and I sorta felt the same guilt I feel when I laugh at retards, but then you went and opened your mouth again!!!!

    It’s ON like Donkey Kong you goofball !!!!!!!

  9. Scott
    November 18, 2009 4:27 pm


    So in other words, you’ve just admitted that you do, in fact, work at the Verizon Wireless kiosk.

    If you were, indeed, this witty, intelligent and relevant, you’d have a big boy job, instead of slinging mobile phones at the mall.

    Suggestion: channel your obvious issues toward improving your lot in life rather than slag on everyone here who in most instances has made far more headway in their own lives than you have in yours.

    From now on, I’ll view your comments the same way I’d view them if they came from a typical mouth-breather at the Verizon store, by ignoring them as irrelevant.

    ‘Nuff said. Game over. Done and done.

  10. jmd301
    November 18, 2009 6:34 pm

    this is my first time reading your blog. i sit and type this thru tears of laughter from reading the tale of the fat gerbil and the puma. you couldn’t be more right. he is a turd and needs to go. thanks for making me laugh about that complete mess of a game!

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