What They’re Really Thinking: Super Bowl XLV Edition

SPOILER ALERT: We lose.

If drinking Arbor Mist Sangria Zinfandel while writing What They’re Really Thinking at one o’clock in the afternoon the Monday after the Steelers lose the Super Bowl is wrong … I really don’t give a crap.

As a wise man once almost said, “Zero percent fruit juice, bitches.”

So, tell me, what did YOUR family do when the final seconds ticked down on yesterday’s game? Did they scream? Pout? Cry? Groan? Sit in stunned silence?

My family, with Terrible Towels over our faces, bellies full of wings and chipped chopped ham (srsly), watched the clock hit zero, at which time my nephew burst into tears and then the rest of stood up, looked at each other in silence, and began furiously cleaning the house like the President of the United States was stopping by for a visit.

Dishes were quickly carried away, tidy up this, tidy up that, scrub that, repaint that, reaarange that, hey, someone go in the bathrooms and clean the soap scum off the bars of soap.

I guess we’re stress cleaners. Or de-stress cleaners.

Either way, my sister’s house in Wexfordshire was president-ready by the time the couple dozen people left her house to go home and grief-puke.

Grief-puke. It’s totally a thing.

Let’s talk football?

1. The big news prior to kickoff was the fact that the Stadium basically oversold the game. I guess they took a hint from the airlines and hoped maybe 900 people would decide not to attend the Super Bowl?

Other things I heard:

  • That 9,000 people were without seats.
  • That the fire marshall declared seats unsafe.
  • That Jerry Jones got into a fight with the contractor the morning of the game, and the contractor walked out, thus never completing the seats.
  • That people began peeing upon each other.

Gotta love twitter.

Let’s see what Jerry Jones has to say about this debacle.

Stab.

2. We interrupt this WTRT to inform you that the official caption on this Getty Images photo is “Atmosphere at Hooters during the broadcast of Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 2011 in New York City.”

Is “atmosphere” how the kids are saying “boobs” these days?

Check out the atmosphere on that babe.

Also, somewhere, the lady from Sit and Be Fit is looking at that girl’s pantyhose, socks, and shoes and is all, “Bitch stole my look!”

3. The game kicked off with Wexford’s own Christina Aguilera’s extra special rendition of The Star Spangled Banner: Now With More Cowbell.

Let’s listen:

Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Let’s fast forward.

Hee. Couldn’t NOT take a dig at the former President of US Americans could I?

4. It was all downhill from there. Then it was a little uphill. Then the gates of hell opened up and swallowed a screaming Steeler Nation.

Ish.

We’re going to keep this general, because I’d much rather not get into the grim specifics.

I mean, you get run over by a car and you don’t want the doctor to be all, “Your brain is damaged. Your throat collapsed. Your lungs did too. You broke some ribs. Some legs. You lost your big toe. You –” I’d much rather hear, “Girl. You screwed.”

So consider this a very general, “Ew. We sucked.” kinda recap.

5. The turnovers are what did us in. You can’t turn the ball over three times in the Super Bowl, and allow 21 points to be scored off of those turnovers, and expect to leave the stadium as winners.

That’s against the laws of Football, which state, “The team who turns over the ball zero times will always beat the team that turns over the ball three times.”

That’s in Amos. Where all the Football laws are.

Amen.

6. Shaun Suisham missed a 52-yard-field goal.

Which is forgivable on account of how long that is and because it ended up not mattering in the end.

Had it mattered? Not even Hines would have found a way to smile about it.

7. How many times did you say it? I said it and tweeted it and prayed it.

Where is Troy?

It’s time for Troy.

Troy owes us.

Troy is going to come through for us.

Troysus will save us, Amen?

Except he didn’t. Again. Three or four games now where we haven’t seen any heroics from Troy, leaving us to ask, “What’s wrong with Troy? What medical condition is he suffering from?”

Migraines?

Bruised donkey omelets?

Narcolepsy?

Zombie-ism?

Constipation?

Acute constipation?

What Troysus?! What is your Kryptonite?!

I love you, but I miss you.

8. We interrupt this WTRT to gaze upon this Packers fan wearing a cheesehead, wearing a Packers fan, wearing a cheesehead, wearing a cheesehead.

How meta.

9. Halftime show.

HOT MESS OF BLOVIATED SELF-IMPORTANT POOP.

I’d rather watch the Sit and Be Fit lady lead a bunch of the drooling elderly in chair exercises than listen to that poorly delivered seizure-inducing cornucopia of musical vomit and discordance.

Not that I’m bitter.

10. Down 21-3, we managed to go into the half only down 21-11, I think it was. I’m not going to confirm that because who gives a rat’s ass?

Not me. But that might be the zero percent fruit juice talking.

Thanks to some nice plays by Ward and maybe one by Heath? I think I saw Heath make a catch. And a few good catches by Randle-El and Wallace and a two-point conversion gift from the football gods, the Steelers managed to fight their way back to a 28-25 game after Coach used every trick in his Book of Badassitude.

The Stare.

The Lasers.

The Miyagi-Do:

Holding the Packers to a field goal late in the fourth quarter meant a 31-25 game with two minutes for Benny to march the team down the field to win it with a touchdown.

It has happened before; it can happen again.

Ish.

Fourth and five just like that.

4th. And five.

First down or go home as losers.

Benny addresses Steeler Nation in this our hour of terror.

Wearing Canadiens gear to a football game in Dallas between the Steelers and the Packers? Kill them with fire, indeed.

An aside: Arbor Mist apparently makes me very violent and desirous of seeing people killed with fire.

Benny lets loose the ball heading toward Mike Wallace.  Half of us in my sister’s house hold our breaths and the other half cover their eyes, planning to learn the outcome of the throw by either the screams of joy or the stunned silence of being sucked down into hell.

Hell it is.

Confetti hell raining down on the Steelers and Aaron Rodgers.

It’s just confetti, Aaron.

The thing is this. It wasn’t that we were terrible; we just weren’t good enough. The Packers took advantage of our mistakes and we couldn’t come up with the antidote to whatever disease of mojo it was that was causing us to play flat.

No miracles.

No hail Mary.

No Jedi magic.

No gift from the ghost of Myron Cope.

Just poop.

But playing like poop in the Super Bowl is better than not playing in the Super Bowl. Like poop.

Or something.

Ah, screw it.





72 Comments


  1. Ms. Redd
    February 7, 2011 5:59 pm

    Living in the frozen tundra made today unbearable. Did not dare to turn on the radio or TV, and could not look at a newspaper. My three kids called early to make sure I wasn’t suicidal. But, you know, it is what it is, towards the end we made a game of it – altho I was positive that they were going to pull it out. Ginny- I could not agree with you more on anything you said- I asked every single defensive play-“Where is Troy?” until I got the big sign and eye roll from the hubby. I also commend Ben for afterwards #1-shaving, and #2- manning up to take responsiblilty. But they are a team and a team wins as a team and loses as a team. They will be back for #7 trophy and ring again. Really….



  2. Heather
    February 7, 2011 6:03 pm

    Word.

    I deleted a lot of obnoxious Packer fan ‘friends’ on Facebook last night, which helped a little.



  3. Kathy
    February 7, 2011 6:06 pm

    I think John Madden was hoping for a fighter jet to drop something on her. How embarassing. I’m pretty sure President Bush was wondering when we got a NFL team in another country, as that surely wasn’t our national anthem.

    Sorry Steeler/s Nation/s.



  4. lisa
    February 7, 2011 6:08 pm

    I’ll admit I haven’t quite wrapped my head around it yet. And suddenly, I can’t remember what it is that I do on offseason Sundays..



  5. KKinLA
    February 7, 2011 6:08 pm

    poop is right. ooooof. that one hurt.

    glad to hear that you’re drinking mid-day. am planning to do the same thing.

    sigh. And now 7 long months until football reappears.



  6. GoBobbo
    February 7, 2011 6:09 pm

    Great. I laughed and cried.

    But I don’t know about this: “But playing like poop in the Super Bowl is better than not playing in the Super Bowl. Like poop.”

    I’d sooner not go than lose on the world’s biggest stage.

    I’d love to keep a good Super Bowl record in tact and not continue adding to the loss column. Sure, 6-2 is a good record in the Super Bowl, and it sure beats Cleveland’s record, but I want a win.



  7. Rachel
    February 7, 2011 6:11 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you

    I laughed the whole way through your WTRT! I think this should be mandatory reading for every depressed Steeler fan.

    I like to think this loss is going to make them even hungrier (that does not look like it is spelled correctly) next season (assuming the owner..minus the Rooneys… aren’t complete jagoffs and force a lockout.

    Thanks again Ginny!



  8. Jamie461
    February 7, 2011 6:15 pm

    My first thought when I opened my eyes this morning: “Oh god, we lost.” That’s pretty much my whole day. I am shortly going to go get a martini. Or three. Anything to numb the pain. Make it stop.



  9. Steverino
    February 7, 2011 6:16 pm

    I’m so glad it’s over. The whole time I was watching all I could think of was that we provide government subsidies to these billionaire owners, build them stadiums, let them keep all the parking and revenue concessions, and basically cater to their every whim. Yep, the football business is socialism for free enterprise capitalists. They have a great racket going.



  10. Noelle
    February 7, 2011 6:17 pm

    I would like to tell you all a very honest story.

    This morning I woke up and found my 19 year old cat dead of an apparent stroke. I am not joking in any way and have just now stopped crying.

    Worst. Monday. EVER.



  11. gunnlino
    February 7, 2011 6:18 pm

    Sadcakes for sure.



  12. VAgirl
    February 7, 2011 6:19 pm

    Thanks, Ginny, I needed to laugh. This one song has been running through my brain all day. How do you mend a broken heart… Yes, poop but at least it was the Packers. I was impressed with how our guys handled the interviews after the game. It will be allright Steeler Nation, chin up we still have our Pens and the boys of summer.



  13. bucdaddy
    February 7, 2011 6:21 pm

    Nice of the Steelers to give the Lombardi Trophy to the team that actually had, y’know, Lombardi. And to give someone else a turn.

    2. Oh, sure, that’s obviously Super Bowl Sunday at Hooters. It looks nothing at all like the other 364 days at Hooters.

    3. Methinks Christina needs less Sit and more Be Fit. Unless that’s just a mean Photoshoppy trick you played to make her look like she weighs slightly less than Casey Hampton and about as appealing nekkid.

    7. Brilliant. No other words needed.

    Steelers Nation.

    Never never never never never give up.



  14. Butcher's Dog
    February 7, 2011 6:26 pm

    @Steverino: You ain’t seen nothin’ in the racket game yet. They’ll still get the TV money next year whether there’s a lockout or not. Wash that down with the Arbor Mist.

    Stupid penalties (can’t decide whether the block in the back that put us on our 6 and ready for the interception was worse than the one at the end that lopped 13 yards off the field position), wasting two times-out in the second half, and missing two or three passes by inches that would have stopped Packer drives…none of this would allow you to win a game in September much less the Super Bowl. We didn’t deserve to win, and we didn’t.

    Off season could be raucous even without owner malfeasance. I won’t be the most surprised person on the planet if Troysus retires this year. He’s way too proud to play at less than his best and he has way too much going for him as an individual to risk permanent damage. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m just sayin’.

    Meanwhile, Go, Pens! At least we have another legitimate team to follow for a while. And thanks, Ginny, for all you do and your incredible perspective on sports and life in general. We love you, Zima-less or not. But seriously…Arbor Mist?



  15. Amy
    February 7, 2011 6:31 pm

    Girl, I cannot believe you’re drinking Arbor Mist!! But seriously, thanks for making me laugh. I needed that, for sure :-)



  16. Heather
    February 7, 2011 6:38 pm

    Troy is ‘way too proud’? I completely disagree. He’s one of the most humble men in professional sports. Pride is in direct conflict with his religious beliefs.

    He might decide to retire – I don’t think so myself – but I highly doubt it will be because of his pride.



  17. empirechick
    February 7, 2011 6:59 pm

    I don’t know if he will retire or not, but I agree with Butcher’s Dog that Troy isn’t going to be one of those guys who plays way past his prime (Brett Favre). Not pride as in ‘full of himself’, but as in ‘it’s not right for me to take all this money when I’m not performing up to my high standards’.

    And I have to say, Miyagi-Do FTW!!

    Another fabulous WTRT – thanks Ginny!



  18. JillM
    February 7, 2011 7:02 pm

    “You can’t turn the ball over three times in the Super Bowl, and allow 21 points to be scored off of those turnovers, and expect to leave the stadium as winners.”

    These were my exact words while watching this game…

    My biggest pain in the arse were my extended family and friends who spend the other 364 days of the year cheering for the Browns who “all of a sudden” were Packer’s fans.

    Oh well, it’s an honor to be nominated :) I’ll take 6 of 8 Lombardi trophies than sit at home every year!



  19. BeauJacques
    February 7, 2011 7:10 pm

    @Noelle- Sorry to hear that.

    @My bookie- hope you choke and die slowly, you prick!



  20. BeauJacques
    February 7, 2011 7:17 pm

    @Virginia-
    Great post!! :-)

    (ps- I have a love/hate relationship with my bookie, today is a LOT of hate!!)



  21. tw
    February 7, 2011 7:23 pm

    Okay Ginny…I’m impressed you were able to watch the last seconds. The moment that pass on 4th and 5 fell incomplete we were done…put the half asleep kiddies to bed, clean up the crap (because what else are you gonna do…listen to the Packers accept the trophy, watch the glee comments on your stupid fb friends, see what nfl.com has to say), and say good night. The only bright side was waking up knowing you would put up a WTRT edition. Thanks…it helped. :)

    btw…alcohol suggestion for you…Twisted Tea. It’s basically alcoholic iced tea that’s sold in the beer store…very tasty.

    p.s. Noelle…sorry to hear that – what a bummer of a day. :(



  22. Magnus Patris
    February 7, 2011 7:31 pm

    Pssst! Pirates first Spring Training game in 18 days. Shhhhhh! (This will be the year).



  23. BeauJacques
    February 7, 2011 7:48 pm

    @Magnus Patris-

    Virginia will proclaim the newly-single, ex-Gov. Ed Rendell her
    next ‘self-united’ husband before the Nutting Family’spublic cash-cow ever wins anything besides besides “worst” records!

    Rendells tell friends they are separating
    Monday, February 07, 2011
    By Tracie Mauriello, Post-Gazette Harrisburg Bureau
    HARRISBURG — Their marriage survived years of speculation about Ed Rendell’s never-confirmed affairs, but today — 20 days after the former governor left office — he and U.S. Circuit Judge Marjorie O. Rendell told friends they are separating.

    Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11038/1123742-100.stm?cmpid=latest.xml#ixzz1DJsxCyro



  24. Boones Farm
    February 7, 2011 8:03 pm

    Looked forward to your post all day and you did not disappoint. I think the Karma Boomerang can be blamed on Luke shredding the Cheese at the Steeler Rally on Thursday. We’ll have to make amends to the Cheese Gods if we want to ever win again.



  25. YinzerInExile
    February 7, 2011 8:06 pm

    @Noelle– :( :( :( That. Is. Awful.

    I was also done after we failed to convert. I threw the remote at SO and told him to change the channel. To anything. And then he didn’t. So I said it louder. And he still didn’t. But then he did.

    And then I sat around and felt very, very bad for myself, despite not having, you know, actually played a football game.

    And then I realized that this is what it must feel like to be a Ravens fan.

    And then I went to bed.

    Very sadcakes.



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  27. LeeInIrwin
    February 7, 2011 8:31 pm

    Hey, we cleaned too! We shut the TV off before the last few seconds and then we got down to it. The dishes were scraped and washed. The food wrapped up and put away. Cans and bottles rinsed for recycling. My husband actually scrubbed the nasty BBQ wings baking pans, dried them and put them away…even the kids took their showers. I took down all the Steeler pennants, decorations, pictures and packed them away. My husband commented that I was certainly quick to do that – I told him it felt like breaking up with a boyfriend and I had to just get rid of his stuff.



  28. Rachel
    February 7, 2011 8:38 pm

    @Noelle – you have my sympathies :-(



  29. ky
    February 7, 2011 8:39 pm

    It feels wrong to laugh on such a sad day. While the entire post made me laugh inside, it was the picture of Rodgers and the confetti that finally brought it out. Thanks!



  30. Aileen
    February 7, 2011 9:08 pm

    @Boones Farm – I had the same thought last night -that the debacle was Ravenstahl’s fault for messing with the cheese.

    Can someone prescribe something that would prevent Playoff Bi-Polar Disorder?

    Ravens game: Lousy 1st half; great 2nd half;
    Jets game: Great 1st half; not so good 2nd half.

    Super Bowl: Feh. They hole they dug themselves the 1st half was not a good one – especially when the QB for the Pack is a whole lot better than Joe Flacco.

    I’m disappointed because they lost. However, I’d be lying if I told you that last August I thought they were a Super Bowl team. No way.



  31. Leenyburgh
    February 7, 2011 9:12 pm

    Your coverage is way better than local news, and it made me laugh the last of my bitter tears. Thanks for verbalizing what WE’RE all thinking.



  32. Christina
    February 7, 2011 9:24 pm

    The only way to get over it, is reading this post.

    Thanks for making me laugh on a sad day.



  33. Angry Joe
    February 7, 2011 9:39 pm

    The Steelers will be back. They need a playmaker on offense and help in the secondary but they will get Colon, Pouncey and Starks back on the o-line and hopefully Troy and Aaron Smith will stay healthy all season. They play the NFC West next year. Can’t imagine they’ll lose more than 3 or 4 games.

    Troy retire? He is only 29. He ain’t going anywhere.



  34. Pa-Pop
    February 7, 2011 10:19 pm

    Blame it all on me and my old college roommate. Because of recent deaths in our respective circles, we were unable to be in our bar seats at Zookies in Fallston where we watched XL and XLIII. After the game he texted me that the Rooney’s will pay us to be at Zookies next time.



  35. Noelle
    February 7, 2011 10:28 pm

    Thank you everyone, that is very sweet of you to mention your condolences. Tomorrow will be a better day.



  36. PittCheMBA
    February 7, 2011 10:37 pm

    #3 – I would have preferred to hear 10 year old Jackie Evancho from America’s Got Talent.



  37. bluzdude
    February 7, 2011 11:16 pm

    When, exactly did Christina start looking like Cyndi Lauper?

    (but Cyndi would have gotten the words right.)



  38. red pen mama
    February 7, 2011 11:23 pm

    My SIL, at whose house we watched the game, actually had to go clean the kitchen in the last few minutes of the game. And she doesn’t even like football.

    @Noelle, that stinks, and i’m sorry for your loss.

    I think you captured a lot of feelings of Steelers Nation, Ginny. Good job, and can you pick a hockey game or two a month to do a WTRT? Because they are hilarious.



  39. Gina
    February 7, 2011 11:34 pm

    OK, the Bush one nearly killed me. LOVE!



  40. It's Time!
    February 7, 2011 11:36 pm

    Just read this post for the fourth time! Read it first time when only one person had commented, read it again immediately and still laughed so often and so loud that my husband came downstairs to see what was going on. So we read it together — he’s now a convert.

    Went to dinner and a movie, to forget our sorrows, and read it along with all 38 (so far) comments. Just SOOO brilliant (except for your choice of alcohols)

    So I second the motion that you should do some WTRT for Pens’ games.



  41. It's Time!
    February 7, 2011 11:39 pm

    Also? Did anyone else think that Xtina looked jaundiced? Check out “the oceans red waves”– She should fire her makeup/wardrobe people.



  42. Burghbird
    February 8, 2011 12:05 am

    Do those poor Hooters girls have to cover up their legs with those awful aerobics tights to compensate for the lack of material on their upper body?



  43. Sam
    February 8, 2011 1:27 am

    You are awesome!
    I know nothing about you and I’m an Eagles fan (who stumbled on this link on an Eagles messageboard) but after reading this SB recap I am completely in love with you…in a totally harmless non stalker kinda way.



  44. bucdaddy
    February 8, 2011 2:03 am

    I am completely in love with you…in a totally harmless non stalker kinda way.

    We all do here, but only I have the restraining orders to prove it.



  45. BeauJacques
    February 8, 2011 2:26 am

    OMG!! Bluzdude is soo right!!!

    If Xtina had started stomping one foot and singing “…well, well, well…” from We Are The World when she blew the line, and segued into True Colors I totally would have thought it was her, (except of course Cyndi would have got the words right!)



  46. BeauJacques
    February 8, 2011 2:33 am

    PS- @Virginia-

    That missed field goal might have made an eensie,
    weensie difference……to those who had LOTS of $$$$$
    on Steelers +3 !!!!!



  47. POLITICALPARTYPOOPER
    February 8, 2011 9:10 am

    hey Ginnie, and Steeler fans here, just wanted to say thanks for this post. It was hilarious and made me think we need Ginny in Green Bay on days that the Pack loses.

    I didn’t come here to gloat. Even though I think your QB is an idiot, I think your team is great. You guys should be proud of the way they fought. They overcame 3 turnovers to have a chance to win the game in the last 2 minutes. No other team in the NFL would have stayed close to the Packers once down 21-3. If you don’t believe that, ask the Atlanta Falcons.

    As for the Steelers playing flat, I don’t think they played flat at all. They were simply up against a great defense. Great defenses make offenses look flat, or bad, or whatever other way you want to describe it.

    Your defense made our offense look flat at times, too. We dropped five passes, several of them that could have led to huge plays. I tend to think that those dropped passes are the result of the defense imposing its will on the offense, and making an easy catch an impossible catch even when it’s dropped right into the ol breadbasket.

    Give some credit to our defense, and some to yours, too. You guys had a number of plays that could have been big gainers if not for open field tackles that were made. That’s what good defenses do to good offenses. You’ve all been watching football long enough to know that by now. It may be frustrating, but scoring 25 points against a defense that ranked just behind yours is nothing to sneeze at.

    Yes, the turnovers were huge, but our defense forced all of them. In the end, this game came down to defense, not offense, and ours just played a bit better than yours. That’s how I see it.
    You guys should be proud of your team, and the NFL should ignore every other team in the league and put the Steelers and the Packers in the Super Bowl every year, where they both belong. I have nothing but respect for the Steelers (except for Benny) and in my mind, the Packers and the Steelers are the only two teams worthy of the Trophy. They both play the game the way it should be played, with 9 or ten men of 300 pounds beating the crap out of each other in the trenches while the rest of the league hopes those nine or ten never escape the trecnhes. :D Real men play football, and the only real men in this league are in Green Bay and Pittsburgh.

    Thanks for making this Super Bowl the one that meant the most to fans all over the world. You guys are great.



  48. Butcher's Dog
    February 8, 2011 9:21 am

    @empirechick: Thanks! You understood what I meant by “proud” for Troysus. His standards for his play are too high to allow him to play below those standards for very long regardless of the money he makes.

    While I’d welcome with open arms a hockey WTRT or two a month, they have to be draining for Ginny to compile. Also, the amount of pictures available wouldn’t be as great as there are for a football game. Whatever she decides is fine with me.



  49. Liz
    February 8, 2011 9:54 am

    I think that is Bill Hillgrove hiding under that hat with the Canadians!!!!!!



  50. Dave
    February 8, 2011 10:12 am

    Thanks for this Ginny it helped my woes a lot. Though I think the real reason Rodgers looks so stunned when the confetti started to fall was he noticed Tomlin had used his laser powers to set off the confetti droppers.

    So my fiance and I have a question for all you Burghers out there. Does everyone from the Burgh clean when they are stressed? I saw Ginny’s family did and we did as well. Our place was President worthy in about 10 minutes.