In which I read 197 ridiculous comments about deer so you don’t have to.

First, I’m very angry with myself.

I went back to read my last post about the flu virus where I was talking about how you simultaneously fear and want to French-kiss death, and I didn’t say, “Like if Ryan Gosling was portraying Hannibal Lecter.”

For shame. Flu virus just sucked the good writing out of me for a while.

Moving on, let’s talk about all those bonkers people in Mt. Lebanon who are still collectively losing their elite elitist shit over the deer cull AKA OPERATION BAMBI EXECUTION.

Not only did someone spray urine on the deer bait, but the residents are also sitting at their computer keyboards just …

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LOSING THEIR SHIT.

The Post Gazette published an article that the first deer had been culled, and yes, Mt. Lebanon residents on both sides of the issue went BALLISTIC in the comments. I mean, by their nature, comment sections are train wrecks. Add animal-killing to the mix and glory glory hallelujah happens. And if you think these people won’t find a way to work abortion or the holocaust into the comments, you are very very wrong (I’m not posting the holocaust stuff because no).

Here’s Beth, who warns your next life might find you ruled by pigs.

capture1

Here’s Francis, realizing the next logical step is to CULL THE HUMAN HERD.

capture2

Donna needs to take the scotch tape off of her caps lock key.

Capture3Francis fed the deer and then indicated they were frolicking. And then Mike is all, “TELL ME HOW THEY FROLIC, DAMN IT, FRANCIS.”

Capture4

Dan is sick. SICK.Capture5

Sandy is up on the grassy knoll calling out the MONEY HUNGRY KILLERS. (If Money Hungry Killers isn’t a goth rock band name, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.) And then Donna shows up again all THE KARMA BOOMERANG IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR CHILDREN.

Donna might need to get a grip. Capture6

Here’s Pitts Burgh thinking about throwing dead dear in the Elite Elitist Gardeners’ gardens.

Hey! Tulips are living things too!Capture7

Mike ironically gets the mic drop. Derp. Capture8

TEAR YOUR HOUSES DAHN!Capture9

Abortion. Of course. Capture10

Oh, God. Now Todd has gone and done it.

Capture11

Oh, Alan.

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P.S. Ryan Gosling wants you to donate $5 to sick children. He told me so in my fever dream.





9 Comments

  1. Pingback: Just Pittsburgh News / In which I read 197 ridiculous comments about deer so you don’t have to.

  2. bucdaddy
    March 13, 2015 12:18 pm

    Just for fun, in all the pro-deer rants, replace the word “deer” with the word(s) “timber rattlers”or “coyotes” or “wolves” or “wildcats” or “grizzly bears,” then try to imagine those people writing thee same defenses when the wonderful world of wildlife comes to their backyards to do what such animals do, like instead of eating pansies eating the family dog or cat.

    I’m imagining rattlesnakes frolicking on Francis’ deck right now. Rattlesnakes must frolic, right? Else how to get baby rattlesnakes? Dozens and dozens of baby rattlesnakes. Frolic, rattlesnakes! Frolic in Francis’ kitchen! In the bedroom! In the BATHROOM!

    I’m imagining I could hear the scream from down here.



    • Noelle
      March 13, 2015 1:02 pm

      I think snakes lay eggs, right? Does it take frolicking to do that?



      • NewBurgher
        March 13, 2015 11:36 pm

        Snakes don’t lay eggs, they give birth to live young. So I think there is in fact some amount of frolicking that goes on at some point.



  3. Noelle
    March 13, 2015 1:01 pm

    OMG, I miss living in Pittsburgh so much.



  4. Michelle
    March 13, 2015 2:55 pm

    I didn’t hear a thing about the deer and the deer ticks that they carry which can spread Lyme’s disease. Not that I care either way about the Mt Leb deer. I live out in the country where one neighbor chases away the deer, while the others feed them. We all get along perfectly respectfully. The fanatics crack me up. Where do they think their supermarket and butcher meat come from? Frolicking cows and pigs, I suppose.



  5. David
    March 13, 2015 5:39 pm

    Assume you have seen this already but in case you haven’t. (NSFW:Language)

    https://youtu.be/ln1ucGoPvWk



  6. Janelle
    March 14, 2015 1:56 pm

    Man, there’s so much going on here.

    I’ve said it before, but I’m a vegetarian, so obviously I lean toward not killing the deer. That said, if the concern is car accidents because of the deer, humans trump deer. and the commenter who said they can guarantee the accidents were caused by people speeding and not paying attention has obviously never hit one. I’ve been fortunate to only have close calls while driving, but my parents have both hit a few, and every single time it was due to deer jumping straight out onto the road and hitting a car rather than them speeding or not paying attention. In my experience, the deer hit you, you don’t hit them.

    As for PETA, Alan’s on the extreme side there, but they are genuinely terrible. I mean, I’ve already established that I’m a vegetarian, but I hate PETA, so that should tell you a lot.

    I’m glad Holocaust comments were left out, because that’s a level of ignorance I just can’t handle.