Category Archives: Mike Tomlin

What They’re Really Thinking: Noodles edition

Yesterday, we watched the first part of the game at my sister Pens Fan’s house where we dined on the best kept secret wings in the eastern burbs: Black and Gold wings from Colonial Grille ┬áin downtown Irwin.

Then we listened to the second quarter on DVE in the car heading to Upper St. Clair.

Then we watched the rest of the game with my in-laws who are visiting for a month from Cancun, Mexico (as you can imagine, this weather is not their favorito mucho mas queso. I think I got the Spanish right on that, si?).

This conversation happened as we all sat around the table eating while watching the game:

Sister-in-law, gesturing toward my mother-in-law: “Did you see her Halloween costume when she went trick or treating with the kids?”

Me: “No! Is it on Facebook?”

SIL: “Yep. She was a witch.”

Me: [gets out phone to go to Facebook] “Una bruja! Nice.”

My Spanish-speaking mother-in-law: “Si. A bitch.”

SIL: “No. Witch.”

MIL: “Bitch?”

Me: “Wah-itch.”

MIL: “Witch?”

Me: “Yes, witch.”

MIL: “No bitch?”

Me: “No bitch. WAH-ITCH.”

MIL: “Witch.”

Husband: “Bitch es perra”

Four Spanish-speaking nephews and nieces at the table: [GASP!]

So that was an AWESOME conversation and I didn’t even have to ask anyone to say “fock-yous.”

Although on the way home my husband and I had a five minute conversation on how to pronounce raccoon.

Me: “Rack-koon.”

Him: “Rrrrrrrah-ken.”


Him: “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrah-coin”

Me: “Stop rolling your R!”


He’s such a jerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk.

Let’s talk football.

1. Due to the crazed nature of the day yesterday, I was in and out of the game. Catching some things, missing others, so I don’t have a whole lot of detailed game analysis to offer you, and I know how you read these things for detailed game analysis that you can whip out of your pocket and sound football-smart the next time you’re around the watercooler all, “But seriously the Duke of Fug couldn’t be fuglier on the secondary offensive tight end touchback mucho mas queso bitch.”

2. Speaking of weird faces, is Eli Manning always so terrified?

These are Benny’s game faces from yesterday:

That’s the face of a man who has the munchies somethin’ fierce, if you get my meaning, Ricky Williams.

Here’s Eli Manning yesterday, shitting the shit out of his pants:

Poor Casey. Now he’s all distracted.

3. The game started out scary with the Steelers going down 20 to 10 at one point with lots of things going wrong with the Steelers. They seemed out of it, especially Benny who allowed two turnovers. He wasn’t himself. Like someone was hypnotizing the players or something. Even the Giants were acting a bit off.

He couldn’t even throw the ball properly.

That’s how my three-year-old niece throws a football. After I spin her around in a circle 20 times real fast.

4. Ike Taylor had an actual, honest-to-God interception yesterday, which hasn’t happened in a long time. So long, in fact, that even the ball was confused:

5.And here’s where we’ll have a “Choose Your Own Adventure” section!

It’s fourth and inches near the endzone and the Steelers are down by three.

Do you want A. the Steelers to go for it or B. the Steelers to line up for a field goal?

You chose B. Smart choice. Safe choice.

The Steelers line up for a field goal. Do you want A. Suisham to kick the field goal or B. Suisham to fake a field goal and attempt to run the ball through a throng of enormous football players hell bent on bashing his face into the turf?

You chose A. Good choice! The field goal is good and the Steelers have tied the game!

What? You chose B?!?!? WTF is wrong with you?

Here’s what happens when you choose B:

Dumb move by Tomlin for sure. Now, don’t get me wrong. If it had worked and Suisham had run the ball in for a touchdown, I would have started this post with a SQUEEEEEE and a huge picture of him running with the ball and I would have circled a random taut body part of his and I would have put some smiley faces next to it and I would have high-fived Tomlin for his baddassitude and balls of steel.

But this ISN’T a choose your own adventure book, so “dumb move” and terrified noodles it is.

6. Terrified Noodles would make a great band name.

But not as good as Petrified Noodles.

7. I missed the questionable call on Ben Roethlisberger’s tuck or non-tuck, so you’ll have to discuss that amongst yourselves in the comments.

8. Make a note. This is the new “blow to the head” in the NFL. (gif here)

Ribs are the new heads mucho mas queso bitch. — Roger Goodell

I’m going to get that embroidered on a pillow.

8. No matter. The Steelers still won despite those calls and we go to 5-3 and have a Monday night date with the Chiefs.

My sister and I had an actual conversation yesterday that maybe the oft-injured, rapidly aging Troysus needs to retire after this season.

What say you, Pittsburgh?



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What They’re Really Thinking: Fresh Hell Edition


You there. With the face.

Are you blaming Shaun Suisham? Have you said to yourself something like “stupid Shaun Swissmiss?”

Have you put any substantial weight for that loss on Shaun Suisham’s up-until-last-night-perfect shoulders?

(And now I’ve said that in my head with an English accent and went straight to my Princess Bride happy place where Westly is all, “… will echo in your pehr-fehct eee-ahs.”)

Did you say, “Man, bet Jeff Reed would’ve nailed that?”

Well, you stop it. Right now, you stop it.

The only thing Jeff Reed would have nailed yesterday would have been the slut with Jeff’s face tramp-stamped on her lower back, which would have gone along nicely with the picture of boobs Jeff probably has tramp-stamped on his.

1. If however, after the blocked punt that eventually led to a Titan touchdown you said, “Man. Bet Daniel Sepulveda never would have let that happen,” then to you I say, “That’s freaking church.”

First, it wouldn’t have been blocked.

Second, if by some power of Satan and a legion of pigeons it was blocked, Daniel would have DESTROYED the Titan who attempted to retrieve it, grabbed the ball from the ground, and wailed that mother to the end zone 98-yards away where Mike Wallace was, by some football miracle, standing there wide open, and that touchdown, that one right there and ONLY that one right there? Would have been worth 13 points.


YOU shut up.

2. I need to calm down. Let’s look at something beautiful.

Soothe me, Ed.

3. Ike Taylor enrages me sometimes. Like, real rage. Like choke a bitch rage.

First, when he successfully defends a pass near the end zone, why does he then get in the Titan’s face and knock helmets with him? Does he realize this is not MMA? That he’s not going in for the lights-out, Chuck Lidell punch?

I don’t care what that Titan said about “yo mama” or “yo sister” or hell, even Myron Cope. You shut up and get back to your team and stop taking the stupid, stupid penalties, you sack of —

I need to calm down again. Hang on.

All better. Thanks, Ed.

Probably I shouldn’t call Ike Taylor a sack of shit.


4. The big story of this game, other than the fact that we lost to the Titans (PUKE!), is the injuries. Everyone got injured yesterday.

Maurkice on the first play. Rashard who knows when. And down they went like toy soldiers being trampled upon by a T-Rex. It got so bad at one point that Ed Hochuli invoked the pee-wee football rules for borrowing players:

5. The Duke of Fug had a pretty good game, with over 300-yards passing, a beautiful long bomb to the waiting hands of Mike Wallace who suddenly remembered he could catch long balls, and the surpassing of Terry Bradshaw for the most yards thrown by a Steelers quarterback over the course of their time with the team.

But all of that of course overshadowed by the fact that we lost. To the Titans. By a field goal.


6. We interrupt this WTRT to say, “This is what football in hell looks like.”

7. With all of our running backs out, Baron Batch got his chance to shine, finally. And he didn’t disappoint.

Do you know how much it takes for me to unfollow a Steeler on Twitter? But being a jerk to pretty much everyone that dares disagree with you and then telling an overweight fan to start working out will pretty much do it.

8. We interrupt this WTRT for an angry bird.

9. So we lost a lot of players, our defense shit the bed like a diaperless newborn, Coach Haley wants to make love to the bubble screen, and the Steelers are faced with a Shaun Suisam 54-yard field goal attempt to win the game. He nailed a 52-yarder earlier in the game.

But 52 yards is less than 54 yards.

Suisham lines up.

I freak out a little and quickly look at a photo of Ed Hochuli to calm me down:

Steeler Nation tenses:

And he misses it. STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Could not have been straighter. But just a bit short.

And there’s less than a minute on the clock and that’s all the time Tennessee needs to destroy our defense, march down the field and line THEIR kicker up for a 40-yard field goal.

40 is less than 54.

By a lot.

He kicks.

All of Steeler Nation invokes juju and spells and evil eyes and eyes of newts (newti?) and they pray to all of their gods and …


Sigh. We’re 2-3 now and no amount of gazing at Ed Hochuli is going to make that feel any better.

Our defense is injured and miserable.

Our offensive line is just decimated.

Ike Taylor is a giant sack of turds.

And we’ve just completed the EASY part of our schedule.

The line for flinging yourself from the Rachel Carson bridge forms here.

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What They’re Really Thinking: Close enough edition.

My sister Pens Fan went to the doctor today and was told she needs to gain weight.

So I ate a cinnamon roll this morning and told her to absorb the fat through osmosis.

I am nothing if not a giving person.

Also, I wish my doctor would tell me I need to gain weight. I’m so good at it! He’d give me an A+ for sure and would probably write a medical journal article about my superhuman ability to pack on the pounds using only Little Debbie and Starbucks.

What does that have to do with yesterday’s Steelers game? Not a damn thing. But I guess we gotta talk about the game?

I watched the game at home with my husband, who had this to say about Ben Roethlisberger on more than one occasion: “He’s such a moron.”

1. The big story was Peyton Manning. The commentary was all about Peyton Manning. Cris Collinsworth loves Peyton Manning. So does Al Michaels.

I hate Peyton Manning.

In fact, I wrote a song about him. It goes like this:

I hate Peyton Manning with the Colts.

I hate Peyton Manning with the Broncos.

I hate Peyton Manning …

Jump in when you know it.

2. Officiation (spellcheck says … NOT A WORD. Don’t care. Using it.) of yesterday’s game was brought to you by replacement refs, who seemed a bit confused at times:

(source: Post-Gazette)


3. They went so far as to let Mike Tomlin challenge a play that happened prior to a new play being run. This didn’t sit right with the Bronco’s coach who started challenging things that didn’t even happen to his team:

4. We interrupt this WTRT for the first stripey throwback sighting of the season!

5. The Steelers seemed … blah? Like blah. Nothing awesomely incredible happened. Other than Antonio Brown’s game face:

(Photo: Post-Gazette)

That’s the face of a man who could kill a diplodocus with his bare hands.

6. Jonathan Dwyer seemed to be the go-to rusher in Rashard’s absence, almost scoring a touchdown at one point, but it was negated because his knee was clearly down. Even Vladimir Putin was like, “Nyet!”

I guess the ball guys are on strike too?

7. The Steelers were in it right up until Ben had the game in his hands with three minutes left and I said to my husband, “This is the part in the game where Ben either throws a touchdown pass or he throws an interception. There is no middle ground.”

From my lips to the Karma Boomerang’s perfect ears (I always say the phrase “perfect ears” like Wesley in the Princess Bride.) because …

And Coach desperately tries to stop what’s happening, but not even I Dream of Jeannie can help:

8. With that interception returned for a touchdown, nothing could save us short of a miracle or a superhero.

(Photo: Post-Gazette)

If only, Hines. How’s retirement? Prune juice doing it for you?

But seriously, if I were a man who wore a business suit to work, I’d ONLY wear Superman undershirts. That’s just common sense.

Printer is jammed again? [Rips open shirt, popping all the buttons] I got this.

9. Again, it was all so blah. Troysus didn’t save us, nor did he damn us. Haley didn’t amaze us, nor did he greatly disappoint us. We just didn’t do enough and Peyton Manning did more, because he had something to prove.

10. Next week, we take on the Jets, again with Haley’s offense which includes a fullback which is apparently a big deal according to my husband, except I don’t know what a fullback is. Or a halfback for that matter. I assume it has something to do with … backs?

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What They’re Really Thinking: Mini-camp Edition

While we’ve all been wrapped up in the glory of the Pittsburgh Pirates — That’s right. The GLORY of the Pittsburgh Pirates, although if you believe any of these analysts, this is an early-season fluke that will wind up with us anywhere from fourth place to the seventh circle of baseball hell where demon-scavengers feed on our carcass. I choose to believe that all those so-called baseball experts can bite me and the ghost of Roberto Clemente. (Also, Tabata’s throw to second in the 9th to nail the Indian trying for a double? I wonder if that’s how Roberto threw.)

While we’ve been wrapped up in baseball, the Steelers, minus Mike Wallace who is holding out, have been holding mini-camp where some things are the same and some things are not.

Casey Hampton continues to host zip codes in his belly button while hunting down his ever-missing fluffernutters.

Meanwhile, there’s a new punter wearing Daniel’s number 9 and he has wisely chosen to shield us from his non-Sepulvedian face lest the ladies of Steeler Nation lose their collective shit.

That bubble better never pop, sir.

Ben, forever missing his TLA B.A., is having trouble understanding his new coach Todd Haley who might as well be Charlie Brown’s mom:

Even worse? Haley introduced Benny to his new offensive line which now includes a little person, a dog, and a Mexican Lucha Libre.

Neither Charlie nor Ben seem too happy with Haley’s methods right now:

I can’t wait for the first time Haley and Ben go at it on the sidelines.



P.S. I intentionally left this picture out because DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, JAMES HARRISON?!?

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The badassitude … is in.

YouTube Preview Image

Oh snap, indeed.

While the rest of the world is referring to this as a “bad attitude” or “prick behavior” or “douchebag behavior,” I refer to it as “awesome.”

You know they probably had the camera on him for minutes prior to this, just waiting for the announcers to cut over to him, and he’s no Kim Kardashian who would shrivel up and die if the camera didn’t properly appreciate her presence at the game for an appropriate length of time, so yeah, “You got enough, bro?”

Get on with your badass self, coach.

[snap snap]

[throws signs]

(h/t Charles)

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